The ‘chair theory’ has women online questioning all of their relationships

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First there was ketchup, then birds, now it’s chairs (Picture: Metro/ Getty)

We’re living in the midst of romantic crisis, and it’s making us rethink everything.

Whether it’s obsessing over a quiz to determine our boyfriends’ intelligence or struggling through a week-long vulnerability hangover, it’s as though we’re constantly seeking answers to that dreaded question:

Are they right for me?

The latest theory doing the rounds on how to spot ‘the one’ was sparked by a recent social media clip from influencer Nardose Mesfin.

‘Everyone has a table in their life and the people who truly value you pull up a chair the moment you arrive,’ she says in the post, which has been watched over 1.4 million times on Facebook alone.

‘When you walk into a room tired, carrying things, overwhelmed, or needing support… Do they offer you a chair, or do you have to ask for one?’

Do you think online theories are helpful? (Picture: Getty)

Nardose claims this simple test will weed out partners (or friends) who ‘never offer support, make you explain your needs. give you the bare minimum, only “help” if you remind them, and act confused about why you need comfort.’

‘A chair is not a luxury — it’s a sign of respect,’ she adds. ‘If someone won’t give you even that, they don’t deserve you in their space.’

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Comments supporting the content creator’s theory quickly began piling up, with one user, Cory Legall, writing: ‘Where you are wanted, you will not have to audition.’

‘I’m resonating with this on a deep level,’ added Natascha Parris. ‘Time to reevaluate some relationships in my life.’

@nardosemesfin

Have you heard of the chair theory? When you walk into a room tired, carrying things, overwhelmed, or needing support…do they offer you a chair, or do you have to ask for one? Everyone has a table in their life and the people who truly value you pull up a chair the moment you arrive. They make space, they notice that you’re standing so they shift over without being asked. But some people They let you hover on the edge, make you wait, ask for permission and act like your presence is an inconvenience. Which means? If you constantly have to ask for a chair, you’re sitting at the wrong table. 1. The right people make room for you. You don’t have to prove yourself. You don’t have to earn comfort. You don’t have to beg for basic effort. They see you, they care, they show up. The chair is already there — without you asking. ⸻ 2. The wrong people act like you’re a burden. These are the people who: • never offer support • make you explain your needs • give you the bare minimum • only “help” if you remind them • act confused about why you need comfort You’re always asking for a chair because they never planned on giving you one. ⸻ 3. If you constantly have to ask, you’re in the wrong room. Healthy relationships don’t require begging. If someone truly values you, their actions will naturally say: “Sit. Rest. I’ve got you.” If someone doesn’t value you, their actions will say: “Figure it out.” “Deal with it yourself.” “You’re asking for too much.” But you’re not asking for too much — they’re offering too little. ⸻ 4. You should never have to fight for basic support. A real “chair” should be: • sturdy • consistent • already there • reliable • effortless If every relationship in your life feels like you’re standing while others sit, you’re around people who don’t mind watching you struggle. And that is your sign to stand up, leave the room, and walk into a space where someone says: “I saved you a seat.” ⸻ **5. The lesson: Stop begging people to treat you right.** A chair is not a luxury — it’s a sign of respect. If someone won’t give you even that, they don’t deserve you in their space.

♬ originalljud – user9283848281934

Does the ‘chair theory’ work?

There’s definitely some validity in the ‘chair theory’, which speaks to the idea of pouring energy and time into a nonreciprocal friendship or relationship.

But as psychologist Dr Madeleine Roantree explains, it’s better kept as a metaphor — and you probably shouldn’t base your relationships with people on their table manners.

This theory requires people to read between the lines (Picture: Getty Images)

‘While this theory captures an emotional truth about feeling noticed and valued, it’s far too simplistic to predict relationship health,’ she tells Metro.

‘One gesture can’t represent the complexity of how someone shows love, effort, or respect over time. For example, some people show their care by providing financial stability and fidelity.’

Dr Roantree points out that this concept is, at it’s core, about ‘attunement’; the ability to understand and respond sensitively to another person’s feelings without being explicitly told.

In an ideal world, we’d all be automatically aware of our partner’s needs, but many relationships ‘have lasted decades’ without mastering the skill —  and it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no respect or connection between them.

Things to look for if you're questioning your relationship

Instead of relying too much on online debate or ‘test’, Dr Roantree recommends looking for these reliable indicators that show whether your partner is right for you:

• Emotional safety

• Responsiveness
• Conflict resolution and repair
• Reciprocity in effort to show care
• Contentment

Despite its flaws though, ‘chair theory’ has taken off on TikTok, with a number of people reflecting on times where they were made to feel neglected by romantic partners, in-laws, friends, or siblings — as though there wasn’t enough space at the table.

‘My mom has never offered a chair, pulled up a chair, wow it does hit hard,’ wrote @nikkiandknox, while @Hollieandthevan added: ‘I wish I had thought about things deeper before I settled down, got married, had children. I wish I’d loved myself enough to know I deserved more than the scrapings of the barrel.’

Is the ‘chair theory’ problematic?

One thing Dr Roantree reminds people to remember is that although these viral ‘tests’ can be useful for prompting self-reflection, they shouldn’t be relied on as diagnostic tools.

For example, if someone were to end a relationship solely based on this — it could potentially jeopardise something worth saving.

Do you believe in the ‘chair theory’? Let us know Comment Now

The literal interpretation – where pulling out a date’s chair is seen as chivalrous, alongside walking them to their door or paying the bill- is also somewhat old-fashioned.

‘This theory leans on performative acts of care and assumes everyone should express support in the same way,’ notes Dr Roantree.

‘In reality, many people show love through quieter, less visible forms of attunement that don’t fit this metaphor.

‘What matters is consistent, reciprocal care— not whether someone offers a symbolic “chair”.’

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