Being cheated on is perhaps the ultimate betrayal in a relationship – and the injured party is often left wondering ‘why?’.
There are lots of reasons why someone might be unfaithful – from wanting revenge, to pure selfishness – but this week’s readers is struggling to understand his wife’s excuses.
She says she was feeling neglected, which he feels puts the blame on him.
The pair have children together, so now he faces a dilemma: does he forgive his wife, and keep the family together? Or move on?
Read the advice below, but before you go, check out last week’s dilemma to hear about another couple grappling with the heartbreak of infidelity.
The problem…
I was interested to read last week’s problem, from the guy whose fiancée couldn’t forgive his cheating.
I didn’t have much sympathy for him and thought I’d tell you a similar story from the other side – from a person who has been cheated on, and is struggling to forgive.
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My situation is different, in that I’m married and have two small children. I work long hours so that my wife can stay at home, but she often complains about the stress of looking after everything on her own.
So a couple of months ago, I thought I’d give her a break and take the kids to my parents for a few days.
Everything was fine, or so I thought. But when we got back, she broke down in tears and blurted out that she’d slept with some random guy she met on a wild night out with friends.
I can’t explain how I felt – it was all so devastating and bewildering, I just went into a sort of shock mode and after a few choice words, walked out and am currently staying with a mate.
She keeps phoning me, begging forgiveness. She has tried to explain that it was all a drunken mistake and this guy just flattered her at a time when she felt low and neglected. In other words, it was all my fault!
I work extremely hard so that she doesn’t have to, and it feels like she is trying to blame me for her own poor behaviour. I really struggle to even talk to her, although I do still love her deep down and want to reconcile.
I also miss the kids like mad and know that living with my mate is not a long-term solution.
The advice…
I’m glad you emailed in, because you’ve taken the first step towards sorting out your problem. Now it’s time to accept that living with a friend and being apart from your wife and family, is not going to help resolve your situation.
The way you reacted to your wife’s shocking news is understandable, but now the dust has settled you must ask yourself what you really want and how you’re going to achieve it.
You say you still love your wife, and on top of that you have small children, who are probably already suffering terribly from the fall out. Children are always collateral damage in situations like this, and it’s them I feel for most.
So personally, I think it’s time to go home and start repairing your marriage.
No one is suggesting that by working long hours, you’re responsible for what has happened; but you don’t seem to understand that your wife works hard too. Maybe she really did feel neglected and unappreciated.
The fact that she keeps phoning you shows how remorseful she is, so why not give her the opportunity to help repair the damage that’s been caused. Couples counselling will allow you both to see the part you had to play in this drama.
Give your wife, and family life, another chance. Your children really need their dad, and it might just have taken this crisis to reset your marriage to where it should be.
Should this husband forgive his wife for having sex with a stranger?
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Yes, it was a one time thing and she feels terrible
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No, you can't come back from cheating
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