Our bodies tend to change as well get older, but this reader says his sex life is suffering due to his wife’s weight gain.
After she gradually put on weight over the decades they’ve been married, he’s no longer sexually attracted to her.
And his attempts to bring his feelings up in a ‘jokey’ way have caused further problems within their relationship.
Before you go, read last week’s dilemma, where a threesome is threatening to ruin a friendship.
The problem…
I haven’t had sex with my wife for nearly four years, and it isn’t because I’ve gone off sex, I’ve just gone off my wife.
When we met over 20 years ago, she was absolutely stunning. Not only was she pretty with a fabulous figure, but she was great company too. However, since we’ve been married, she’s gradually put on weight until she’s almost twice the woman she used to be.
A few years ago, I tried mentioning to her in a jokey fashion that she was getting a bit lardy. She acted all upset and accused me of fat shaming her, so after that I felt I couldn’t say anything.
Since being direct doesn’t work, I’ve tried showing her old holiday photos so she can see what a babe she used to be, and when a friend boasted that she could still get into her wedding dress after twenty years, I jokingly asked my wife if she could still fit into hers. She just gave me daggers and changed the subject.
I know it’s not PC to judge people on their weight, but I can’t help how I feel. I take care of myself, whereas while I’m out for a run, she just settles down in front of the telly with a bag of crisps and some chocolates. I honestly feel cheated and that she married me on false pretenses.
She tries to turn me on in bed, but even though I still love her, all those rolls of fat put me off.
Laura says…
Sorry, but calling your wife ‘lardy’ is cruel, and I’m not surprised she was upset.
That aside, I fear that avoiding the subject of weight isn’t necessarily the right approach, not least because people with serious obesity problems leave themselves open to all sorts of medical conditions.
But it’s important for your wife to feel you love her for herself and not just for her appearance. Giving up on how you look can be a sign of depression, and if she senses rejection, she’ll feel more down and more likely to reach for the snacks.
Don’t reject your wife sexually; reassure her that you love her, and say it worries you that she isn’t looking after herself. Ask how she feels and actually listen to her response. You might find that your own attitude has contributed to the problem, so be prepared to do some changing yourself.
Meanwhile, stock up on healthy foods, choose restaurants with healthier choices and prepare more meals at home. Instead of going for a run alone, suggest you do some sporting activities together. A visit to the doctor might help, to ensure she has no underlying health problems, but let the GP suggest a gym or weight loss programme if they think that’s what she needs.
You can’t force your wife to lose weight, but you can support her if it’s something she wants to do for herself.
Most importantly, remember to be kind.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
source https://metro.co.uk/2024/02/17/my-wife-put-weight-can-go-longer-face-sex-her-20286060/
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