The green-eyed monster is a common problem in relationships.
Far from a fleeting twang of envy though, this reader’s wife has become so jealous that it’s taking over their relationship.
The more she casts suspicion on his every move, the more he feels like he wants to stray – and the constant accusations are taking their toll on their connection in the bedroom too.
Before you go, read last week’s dilemma, where a man claims he feels ‘cheated’ by his wife’s weight gain.
The problem…
My wife has always been a bit insecure, but I thought this side of her character would settle down once we got married in summer 2022. Unfortunately, it’s made no difference, and I don’t know how much longer I can cope.
I’ll give you a couple of examples. A few weeks ago, we bumped into a colleague of mine who had clearly just had her hair done. I complimented her on the new look, she smiled, we had a bit of a chat, and then we parted company. It was embarrassingly noticeable that my wife did nothing but scowl during this encounter, and as soon as we walked away, she started giving me grief about how I clearly fancied the colleague (I don’t).
She hates me going for an innocent drink with friends, and recently, I caught her going through all my pockets, looking for evidence of an affair. When I asked what she was doing, she said she knew I had a stash of condoms, and she was trying to find them!
There really is no reason for my wife to feel so threatened, as I’m not the womanising type and wouldn’t normally think about cheating on her. However, I do feel lately that she’s pushing me into it, because with each round of accusations I get more and more sick of her.
Sex-wise, she’ll do anything to please me, but sometimes I feel she’s just trying to ‘buy’ my affection, and I’m struggling more and more to get turned on.
Laura says…
Jealousy is a miserable emotion and often leads to what the sufferer most fears – that their partner gets so fed up with all the suspicion and accusations, they end up being driven into someone else’s arms.
Your wife’s insecurity stems from a deep-seated lack of confidence and a feeling that for some reason, she is not loveable. Arguing about her irrational behaviour will just make her even more insecure and tormented, so keep calm and don’t deny her feelings, which to her are real.
Marriage doesn’t mean giving up your independence, so don’t give in to her demands of never speaking to someone of the opposite sex or occasionally socialising without her. In any case, this could have the opposite effect of making your wife believe she was right to be suspicious all along, and you have merely changed your behaviour out of guilt.
To sort this out, you need to reassure her that you love her and hate to see her unhappy. Make it plain that the problems are all in her imagination, and encourage your wife to seek counselling, which will help get to the root of her troubles.
Talking to a counsellor will help her separate past hurt from the present relationship, so that eventually, she’ll be able to control her behaviour.
Don’t be pushed into an affair or use your wife’s conduct as an excuse to have one. Helping her better deal with her feelings is the key to mending your marriage.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
source https://metro.co.uk/2024/02/24/cant-cope-wifes-jealousy-even-searches-pockets-20322259/
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