Drunken sex can be a fun and fumbled affair – but not when it’s always one-sided.
This week, we hear from a reader who is struggling with her partner’s drinking – especially when it comes to their sex life.
It’s even starting to affect their relationship, but what should she do?
But before you read on, check out last week’s dilemma, where a reader who married a much older woman says his feelings have changed towards her – and the way she looks.
The problem…
When I met my boyfriend, I thought he was the man of my dreams. He’s handsome, funny and seemed like a really nice guy.
And he is, mostly. The trouble is, he likes a drink – not usually in front of me, but when he’s out with his friends. They joke about how he gets absolutely paralytic and he laughs it off, but because it’s starting to affect our relationship, I don’t find it all that funny.
Two things really bother me. Firstly, when he’s been out with his mates, he sometimes comes knocking at my door helplessly drunk, and then can’t perform in bed. His efforts amount to no more than an embarrassing fumble, and once he even fell asleep on top of me.
Secondly, I’ve discovered that even when he’s with me and apparently not drinking, he has actually had a few beers outside in his car beforehand. Sometimes he even makes an excuse to go out to the car, just long enough to knock back a beer, and then returns to the flat as though nothing has happened. I know this because I’ve found empty cans shoved under the seat, and when I confronted him, he sheepishly admitted it, claiming it was ‘no big deal’.
I’ve asked him if he thinks he has a problem with alcohol, but he says he doesn’t and has a go at me for making a fuss. He’s only 26 and I worry about what he’ll be like in ten years’ time.
Laura says…
Frustrating though it is, this is something you can’t sort out for your boyfriend. He has to want to do it himself, and until he accepts he has a problem with alcohol, it’s unlikely you’ll get him to cut down or stop. I know you’ve tried talking to him, but did you talk or nag? Unfortunately, anything he interprets as nagging will just make him defensive.
Behind excessive drinking are often problems that a person finds too painful to face, so a serious but understanding talk when he’s sober, might get you a lot further. Drinkers (or other addicts) can’t always say what lies behind their self-destructive behaviour, but make it clear he either gets help, or he will lose you.
Don’t be an enabler either, by opening the door to him when he’s drunk, or otherwise accepting his poor behaviour. Being handsome and funny when he’s sober, is not a good enough excuse for turning a blind eye when he’s paralytic. Tell him the next morning if he’s fallen asleep in the middle of sex; it might be embarrassing and awkward, but it needs to be said.
Please don’t help him pretend to himself that his drinking is harmless, when actually his problem is damaging to his health and your relationship.
I hope he gets the help he clearly needs, but should he refuse, your best bet is just to leave him. As you rightly say, if he’s like this now, what will he be like in the future?
Laura is a counsellor and columnist. Got a sex and dating dilemma?
To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk
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Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2023/05/20/my-boyfriends-secret-drinking-means-he-cant-perform-in-bed-18807226/
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