The death of a parent can be devastating – and for this reader, their grief was compounded by some shocking news.
They learnt that their ‘perfect’ dad had been cheating on their mum for over 10 years.
The reader wants everyone to know the truth, but will that do more harm than good?
Before you read on, check out last week’s dilemma, where a reader is struggling with how her partner’s drinking is affecting their sex life.
The problem…
My dad died recently at only 61, leaving Mum devastated. I moved home temporarily to help her, as she’s in no fit state to cope with everything that needs doing.
On the surface, my parents had an ideal relationship. They lived on the same estate as kids, and have known each other over 50 years, so you can imagine how Mum feels at losing him.
But to add to the misery of my father’s death, something else has shattered me. While helping Mum clear out his stuff, I came across some romantic cards from another woman, which made it plain Dad had been having an affair for over ten years. The cards were in an old toolbox in the garage, somewhere Mum would never look.
I immediately phoned my brother, who brought his car round and took the toolbox away on the pretext he wanted it. I made an excuse to go to his house later and together we read everything, to the point that both of us felt sick.
We confronted Dad’s best friend, who admitted he knew about the affair and had told the woman about Dad’s sudden death.
Our father clearly had a secret life for years and now we feel we didn’t know him at all. Both me and my brother are full of anger and really want to tell our mum that Dad was not as perfect as we all thought.
The trouble is, she’s already grieving, so can we really add to her distress?
Laura says…
Every so often, I hear from a reader whose problem is best answered my colleague, family expert Dr Angharad Rudkin.
She feels it’s important to remember that your dad remains the father he always was to you, and to remember this his betrayal was not to you or your brother, but to your mum.
‘Secrets are killers of family life, so wait until things have settled down and then talk to your mother.’ says Dr Rudkin. ’She may be angry with you both initially and say she’d rather never have known, but it’s still kinder to tell her yourselves, than for her to find out some other way, as is likely to happen.’
Our expert feels you may wish to call on your father’s friend when you talk to her, as he might be able to answer any questions she may have.
‘Your mother may well have been aware that something was going on but be prepared for this all to be a shock.’ she says. ‘Keep the cards as evidence, should she want to see them at some point in the future.’
‘Meanwhile, don’t discard happy memories of your father, as these are important to your emotional well-being as you go through life. Your father had secrets, but our parents are always more complex than we realise.’
Let your mum decide whether she wants this out in the open, and in the meantime be discreet. All you can do is support her, not just through her grief but this unwelcome shock too.
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist and co-author of What’s My Child Thinking and The Split Survival Kit.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk
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source https://metro.co.uk/2023/05/27/i-discovered-my-late-dad-had-an-affair-should-i-tell-my-mum-18850926/
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