It was the Sunday morning before Boris Johnson announced UK lockdown when I received this message: ‘Yeah I agree. I think it’s a wise move.’
It was my boyfriend’s response to an eight-minute voice note I had pored over, after debating with myself for the past week about whether or not to end our relationship.
We were 6,000 miles apart when the pandemic hit: him in Africa for work, me in New York visiting friends. I knew soon into our respective trips that things might come to an end.
Despite being together less than a year, it felt serious. Our relationship had snowballed quickly in London; he had made things between us ‘official’ within a matter of weeks, and we had plans to travel to Spain and Kenya later this summer for safari. We spent most of our time together (a benefit of our apartments being only 20 minutes apart by tube), and his jokes would make a regular appearance on my housemate’s ‘quotes of the month’ board in our kitchen.
But one week before the UK went into full lockdown, I was in New York with friends when I received a stream of WhatsApp messages from people at home, telling me I needed to book an emergency flight back – President Trump had extended the restrictions on European travel to include the UK.
Panicked but typically solutions-focused in the face of a crisis, I messaged my boyfriend for support as I struggled to get through to my airline. He met my concern with jokes of staying put and a ‘f*ck it’ attitude. In hindsight, it was the first sign, under the strain of a global crisis, that our relationship would not survive.
Over the first few days after my return from New York, I watched as airlines continued to cancel flights, and regions of the country he was visiting began to close. With the UK now under lockdown, his scheduled return date of early April felt less likely every day.
I was equal parts frustrated that we hadn’t discussed the possibility of one of us being stuck abroad, and scared of what it might mean for us long term.
Unreliable phone signal meant we could only speak to one another every five days. My best friend reminded me that, whilst I am not a Tamagotchi in need of hourly attention, this was pushing the boundaries of social distancing quite far.
In the end, the catalyst for my decision to end the relationship was hearing the news that, while the country he was working from was re-opening its borders for two days, he would be staying put.
‘What would I do in London now?’ was not the response I expected to my suggestion he fly back sooner than planned.
A month ago, I felt that his rugged individualism, as well as his desire to travel and report from areas of conflict was – if daunting – incredibly attractive. Now, I was re-evaluating those attributes in an entirely different light.
When it seemed to me that he liked the chaotic feel that coronavirus had brought to the globe, it was telling of a personality that didn’t complement my own.
Under ‘normal’ circumstances, I wouldn’t consider a life-changing decision during a period of uncertainty
It’s inevitable that we will uncover difficult personality traits of our partners while in quarantine. In fact, there’s an entire Instagram account dedicated to venting lockdown relationship woes that has amassed over 28,000 followers in a month.
But, when my friends were discovering quirks about their significant others whilst holed up in zone two apartments, I was faced with navigating the end of a relationship oceans apart.
Under ‘normal’ circumstances, I wouldn’t consider a life-changing decision during a period of uncertainty. My flatmate once offered sound advice that we can only navigate two big life ‘things’ at once. So, for example, circumventing a work project whilst unpicking the rationale of a £1,200 pm electric bill for a three bed apartment in SW2.
Throw a global pandemic into the mix with doubts about a relationship, and it’s almost impossible to process emotions about the two situations side by side.
The reality was that once I returned to London, with nothing but a government-sanctioned daily run and my friends on scheduled Houseparty chats to distract me, I was able to look at the situation with much-needed clarity.
The crisis of Covid-19 was shedding light on a disconnect in our priorities that I hadn’t spotted pre-pandemic because our relationship had been defined by keeping busy. In this new normal, I could no longer hide from my vulnerabilities.
All I wanted was proximity to my boyfriend from at least a medically advised two metre distance and, at the most basic level, some emotional support.
Was it fair to break up whilst he was in a country under partial lockdown, with no means of return because the airport was once again closed?
Conflicted, and riddled with guilt, I soon came to the realisation the next morning, after he blocked my number, that it was in fact okay to make myself a priority.
We both face a slew of concerns right now, but I know that as a freelancer, his are primarily financial. The importance of our collective happiness as a couple fell by the wayside in the face of the pandemic, and his seemingly personal choice shifted my perspective on our compatibility long-term. I still don’t know for sure whether he might have chosen to stay there long-term for financial reasons had I not ended things between us.
I have been wondering to myself whether we broke up purely as a result of the crisis, or whether actually, things have been out of sync with us since before we both left the UK.
I also find myself questioning whether I ended the relationship out of fear for our future together, or self-love.
With further time alone ahead, I am hoping that by the time all this ends, I’ll be able to say it was the latter.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing claie.wilson@metro.co.uk
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/04/13/locked-different-continents-end-relationship-12511741/?ITO=squid
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