In my teens, I remember watching my friends in awe as they took dating in their stride, gracefully navigating their way through sweaty house parties and clubs just to bag themselves a snog.
Me? I was the shy girl my friends came to for boy advice, even though I hadn’t had a relationship of my own yet. Constructing, editing and over-analysing texts seemed to be my USP.
When it came to my own love life, I wasn’t ready to settle for anything less than perfect.
I fell hard for my boyfriends but my head was filled with Disney fairy tales and Hollywood love stories, and it always fizzled out when they realised sex was something I wanted to wait for (sixth form pressure, eh?).
My ideals of perfection didn’t stop there. When I was 18 and one of my exes forgot our three month dating anniversary, I ignored all of his apology texts – then I broke up with him.
I searched for the perfect man everywhere, from trips to the newsagents to family holidays, yearning for that film scene when we’d lock eyes, kiss in the rain and the rest would be history.
But between my first boyfriend who broke my heart and a short-lived fling with a South African chef (who broke up with me during an episode of The Hills, but his grilled asparagus was always on point), I knew I was yet to experience true love.
Then at 19, I read the self-help book The Secret. The book teaches readers how to manifest and visualise whatever they want in the understanding that our thoughts send out a magnetic signal that brings back what we turn our attention to.
It instantly made me feel understood and resonated with my beliefs. I finished it in a few days and it dawned on me almost immediately that I could use it to manifest the love of my life.
I painted a picture of my future husband in my head: a mix between my two celebrity crushes, Robert Pattinson and Liam Hemsworth. I created a collage of our life together and printed out ‘our’ future on one A4 piece of paper, which also featured a husky, a camper van, a house in the countryside and, obviously, ‘our’ wedding photo.
My debut piece of husband art hung directly opposite my bed so that every morning when I woke up I’d be reminded of it.
Visualising my future became my daily dose of mindfulness – I’d tune into these thoughts as I sat on the bus or blagged my way through my university lectures.
Of course, there were moments when I thought it wouldn’t work and doubted myself completely, but my mind just wouldn’t let it go.
Eleven months later, I met the man in my head.
It was 20 June 2013. I had agreed to go on a trip to Israel for young Jewish people with my friend from university, and was standing in line for security at Luton airport when the guy in front of me caught my eye. He had hazel-green eyes and was wearing a white tank top with army-style shorts. Turning around and introducing himself to me, we shook hands.
It’s hard to describe what love at first sight feels like, but I believe it happened to me
It transpired that Phil was on the trip, too. He seemed extremely familiar and as I walked through security and found my bag at the other side, I realised he was the man I’d created in my mind, the man on my board.
It’s hard to describe what love at first sight feels like, but I believe it happened to me. It was overwhelming, emotional, comforting and spine-tingling all at the same time. I wasn’t scared or taken aback – it just felt right, like the missing piece of a jigsaw I’d been looking for.
We landed in Tel Aviv and headed straight to The Western Wall, one of the holiest places to pray for Jewish people.
Something came over me as I stood in front of it – I had a vision of myself and Phil with three kids sitting on a sofa at our home. Bearing in mind that we had only exchanged a few words so far, I was almost certain that I’d lost the plot.
Over the course of the trip, Phil and I became friends who both secretly fancied each other. We’d sneak away from our tour group to chat about our lives, families, hobbies and goals, and discuss the importance of heritage and tradition at poignant landmarks across the country.
Whenever our eyes met, there was undeniable chemistry, but I knew it would be a ridiculous idea to admit I’d been dreaming of him for just under a year.
One night, we found ourselves separated from our friends, deep in conversation, wandering down the cobbled alleyways of Jerusalem. Phil reached for my hand and we swayed side by side, hugging each other… at a rubbish dump.
It was eerie, with a single erratic street lamp blinking and cardboard and flooring scraps strewn on the ground, but when Phil pulled me into him and kissed me, everything around us disappeared.
Back home neither Phil nor I could imagine life without each other. Cue boyfriend jumpers, mushy couple names and openly planning the rest of our life together. We became a team and seamlessly slotted into each other’s lives, with Phil’s family and friends becoming mine, and vice versa.
One evening, as we were sat on the sofa, I decided to tell Phil about how I had manifested him.
He was shocked, intrigued and a little creeped out but agreed that whatever force had brought us together had changed both our lives. And similarly, he said he’d known we were meant to be together after our first meeting.
By November 2016 we were engaged and a year and a half later, I married my soulmate.
Manifesting love worked for me but my views on the ‘perfect’ man have shifted. The truth is, it doesn’t exist.
I had been wishing for something I’d never seen in real life but still hoped it could happen for me. Perhaps it was because I was a hopeless romantic, or a daydreamer, or a bit late to the dating game.
My relationship with Phil has its ups and downs, challenges and struggles. We’re extremely passionate people, so we love hard and have intense, heated moments. Our marriage is far from vanilla but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Besides, whose relationship is plain-sailing? For true love to thrive, I’ve learnt I have to stop putting pressure on our marriage and understand that respect, appreciation and being each other’s rock is the recipe to a healthy and happy relationship.
Manifesting is quite commonly known about now, especially when it comes to looking for love. I’d recommend it to anyone who is searching for their future partner but I’d also urge caution: you have to be prepared to fully commit to the process, and for whatever it might bring.
I’ve come to accept that my love with my husband is perfectly imperfect – and I’ve never been happier.
Last week, in Love, Or Something Like It: Why I’m never getting married
Would you like to share your love story?
Love, Or Something Like It is a new series for Metro.co.uk, covering everything from mating and dating to lust and loss, to find out what love is and how to find it in the present day. If you have a love story to share, email rosy.edwards@metro.co.uk
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/03/28/i-manifested-my-husband-12465404/?ITO=squid
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