When my ex-boyfriend and I got together, we were students. If we stayed at each other’s houses overnight, we’d crowd into a single bed, limbs entangled, and try, in vain, to sleep.
We were both insomniacs to begin with – restless, anxious sleepers – so it was truly a disaster to share a narrow mattress.
We tolerated it, as you do, especially when you’re 20 years old and in love. By the time we decided to live together three years later, we made the call to sleep in separate beds.
It seemed sensible – and the best possible way to reduce the chance of bedtime fighting. We didn’t really think about the emotional impact of the decision; we just wanted to get some sleep.
We had our own bedrooms, which I liked especially because it meant our elderly dog, Lady Fluffington, could sleep beside me without my then boyfriend’s objections. We’d snuggle on the sofa in front of the telly and then trundle off to our separate beds alone (or in my case, with the ageing shih tzu).
Let’s just say, the arrangement wasn’t exactly conducive to intimacy. I rarely went to sleep beside my boyfriend and almost never woke up to see his face first thing. It meant we had to agree on a venue for sex, which in hindsight I can see isn’t terribly romantic.
Our friends and families thought our set-up was very odd and in fairness, I didn’t know anyone else who slept separately from their partner.
I’d always get asked about it parties and even at work. People were fascinated by it; they knew, perhaps better than I did, that it was probably not the most intimate arrangement. Still, it worked, for us – for a time.
We were together for seven years and we lived in two separate places. Our breakup, like any, was complicated. There were many reasons we didn’t end up together, but I do actually wonder if we’d have lasted longer – or perhaps not as long? – if we’d shared the same bed.
I’ve noticed a surge in articles recently about something called a ‘sleep divorce’. It’s really just what my ex and I had, where partners sleep in separate beds.
A 2018 YouGov poll revealed that one in seven British people would prefer to sleep in a separate bed from their partner. Women were more likely to want to sleep alone – something that was largely attributed to their being lights sleepers, while married to snoring men. Another, earlier study suggested that one in four British couples sleep separately because of stress.
Still, a whopping 76 per cent in the 2018 research say they’d rather sleep alongside the person they love. It’s still very much the popular thing to do. Couples obviously started sleeping together because it makes financial sense. It’s practical and it’s intimate, so it just became the norm.
And now I get why people want to share a bed. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for three and a half years, and we’ve been sharing a bed for more than two. I was scared at first, thinking that I couldn’t possibly share my bed with someone, even someone I adored. I worried we’d disturb each other’s sleep, or worse, our entire relationship.
It was a real adjustment for me, because I’d become so used to having my own space at night time.
It was strange, when we first started having sleepovers at each other’s places, to fall asleep beside someone. I hadn’t done it in so long. I’m a terrible sleeper anyway – I probably get by on four or five hours sleep most nights.
The thing I’ve noticed is that I don’t feel quite so lonely when I’m awake at 4am now.
I get dreadful night-time anxiety and often fixate on problems for hours. It’s a serious comfort, to feel the presence of my boyfriend next to me. I feel safer and more comfortable, just knowing I could wake him if I needed – and I have, on a few occasions, when I genuinely feel scared.
Sometimes I just reach out and hold his hand but let him stay asleep. I like knowing he’s there (and luckily, he doesn’t snore – only the occasional bout of sleep-talking).
I now cherish the little moments we have together before we switch the light off, rather than just rolling over on my own. I love the sleepy things we say to each other when we’re drifting off.
I like that the first person I see in the morning is him (and then our dog, who sleeps just outside our bedroom in his own little bed and comes in for morning snuggles). Those moments are precious and I don’t know how I went without them for so long. I sort of regret missing out on them in my previous relationship and wish we’d had that twice-daily, bed-bound affection.
Now, I don’t think I could ever go back to sleeping in my own bed. Sometimes, when I make a particularly bad pun-based joke at bedtime, my boyfriend pretends to make me sleep somewhere else.
It’s a running joke because he knows how much I treasure being in the same bed as him. Sharing contributes to the overall loveliness of our relationship. I hope, to be honest, we’ll be sharing that bed for the rest of our lives.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/02/02/slept-separately-ex-never-complain-sharing-bed-12167760/
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