Last week, a parent reached out to me on social media with a message about her child wanting a binder (a garment that flattens a person’s chest and provides compression around the torso) as a holiday gift.
She angrily told me that her child, who was assigned female at birth, now ‘wants to be a boy’ and that it was my fault that her child was ‘sick’.
Despite her approach being incredibly volatile, the driving force behind it is understandable. This person is a parent – it is her job to protect her child at all costs.
And the way that the LGBT and GRSM (gender, romantic and sexual minorities) world is painted can be terrifying.
How can a parent feel good about the future of their child when almost every TV show about us narrates that we are raped, murdered, poor, unfaithful or living a life of fear?
What it takes to change someone's mind pic.twitter.com/rHznwXV7zF
— Dr Unburnt Poorman (@DrPoorman) December 3, 2019
When this mum came to me full of anger, I could have returned the tone. It would have been fair of me to do so, too.
But while rage is not necessarily the wrong response, it is often the least effective and ultimately just fans the flames for perpetual hate to exist.
After some back and forth, where I explained what her child might be going through, she calmed down. She also decided to talk to her child about getting a binder.
Binders are now medically tested and carefully crafted. If the child can’t get hold of one, they may turn to alternatives, including bandages, fabric, belts, and duct tape, which can cause collapsed lungs, bruising, chafing, lacerations and deformations in growth.
I have myself used these methods when I didn’t have access to a binder and still have scars on my body from their tearing embrace.
If this conversation had gone differently, this child might have harmed themselves to get the result they were after.
I once experienced a case in which a child was denied the right to speak about their feelings about their identity journey at home. In response, they attempted to remove their breasts with scissors.
Another time a teenager reached out to me to talk about their feelings regarding their body. They were 15 and wanted to get top surgery, to remove their breasts, but knew their parent wouldn’t provide that for them.
I spoke to their parent and suggested a binder as a more affordable compromise. Unfortunately, this chat didn’t have a good outcome; the parent sent their child to get corrective therapy and uploaded a post to social media, saying that their child was mentally disabled.
At the age of 17, just three months from adulthood and freedom to make their own choices, this child took their own life.
It’s natural for you to feel afraid when your child is expressing potential LGBT/GRSM identity traits.
However, while you might believe that you are protecting your child, by denying them the right to explore their lived experiences verbally or physically, the truth is that you’re just putting off the inevitable.
Your kid will likely explore their identity regardless, and if denied the opportunity to discuss their path, they may not involve you in future decision-making.
One of my family members is a white, hetero, gun-toting Trump supporter. They are also openly anti-black, anti-Muslim and anti non-binary gender identity.
They haven’t always accepted me for the person that I am and I was passionately, verbally violent towards them over their prejudices.
However, a near-death experience made me change tack. I visited them in person, brought along some whiskey and told them they could talk for 10 minutes uninterrupted.
The conversation ended up lasting several hours. I didn’t agree with everything they said, but I began to realise that the more I listened, the more they listened in return. They invited me to Christmas after that conversation – for the first time ever.
Through giving them this opportunity to talk freely, I was also able to reaffirm why I saw some of their behaviours as harmful.
I want people to take a collective deep breath and stop seeing each other as labels – but rather as complex, trying and compassionate lives, that are trying to make sense of the chaos we were born into.
Above all, I want parents to know that by creating a safe space for their kids, they can save a life.
MORE: It was easier to accept my son was gay than my daughter, but it made me a better ally
MORE: Being LGBTQI and Muslim is no easy ride
MORE: One in four adults ‘would not feel proud to have a gay child’
source https://metro.co.uk/2019/12/15/when-i-receive-messages-full-of-hate-and-misunderstanding-i-respond-with-kindness-11275024/
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