I recently had a friend get in touch with the following problem: at her gay brother’s wedding, her best friend – and godmother to her children – exposed her homophobic beliefs.
My pal was completely confused: should she say something? Cut her best friend out of her life? Or simply accept a difference in opinion?
As far as friendship conflicts go, this is a humdinger. It’s a shock to find out anyone you know has abhorrent beliefs but when they’re a close friend, you can throw in hurtful and bewildering too.
And it’s a dilemma that can be applied across the board. What do you do if a friend makes a sexist joke? Uses a racist term? What if they are offensive about a certain religion?
There are a few schools of thought on how to address this but address it you must, so let’s get going.
Know that you’re in the right here
Let me be clear: homophobia isn’t a ‘difference in opinion’. That’s too generous a term to describe what we’re talking about here – this sort of prejudice is worse than that.
You and said friend are standing on either side of a line that divides right from wrong. Sometimes there is a morally correct way of looking at something and homophobia is just plain wrong.
In my pal’s circumstance, a wedding is a jubilant, gorgeous event (so long as both the betrothed are happy and safe and willing and all that). Everyone should be able to have a glorious day and bask in the happy couple’s love without judgment from anyone – let alone someone meant to be a friend.
Look, I don’t know what reasons anyone would have for being homophobic, but frankly I think we’re long past the point of any living person having a legitimate one.
It’s inexcusable and unforgivable in general, but even more so that a friend might choose an LGBTQ event as the time to promote their ideas. I’m absolutely not here for it – and neither should you be. If you’re dumbstruck, angry, hurt – or all three – you’re in the right here, please take strength from that.
Confront your friend
The first thing to do, before you bust a move to cut this person out of your life for good, is confront them.
They have expressed something deeply offensive and I don’t think you can let it stand. Tell them that you are shocked to hear they feel this way and profoundly hurt.
Say whatever you need to say right now. It’s OK to be angry. Find a way of articulating how this has made you feel and also, by the way, why it’s so outdated and horrifying to be homophobic these days.
You can do this in person if you’re feeling brave. It would be best. If not, and you need the slight comfort of distance between you, craft a text that succinctly communicates how you feel. It might even help to type it all out because we tend to think more carefully about what we’re trying to convey when we’re writing it all down.
Challenge their views
For the sake of compassion and in the name of friendship, maybe try to understand why your friend feels the way they do. Challenge them on their beliefs, particularly if they’re inherited from family.
Ask questions, if you still care enough to hear the answers. Try to understand, if you can, where this kind of intolerance comes from. It might help to have closure on this friendship if you can at least contextualise the homophobia.
Then try and get them to see that they are wrong. One of the most effective ways to diminish intolerance is to come at it with compassion.
If you can convert a friend here, coax them into being accepting and tolerant and loving, it would be a profound victory.
See if you can possibly talk them round, see if you can make them see that anyone getting married is a brilliant, powerful, wonderful thing – and, in this country, something LGBTQ people are legally entitled to do.
Time for the cut
If your friend won’t listen, won’t hear that you’re hurt and won’t acknowledge your logic then, yeah, it’s time to cut this person out.
Honestly, truly, especially as we get older, we just have to be discerning about the kinds of people we keep around us as friends.
Nobody has time – or space, or tolerance – to deal with someone who espouses bigotry.
Surround yourself with people who have integrity, and kindness, and goodness and love. You want your children to look at you and look at your friends and see the sorts of adults they’d like to be one day.
You cannot afford to have a toxic friend in your life, especially around children.
As for the logistics of cutting someone out of your life, start by explaining that for the time being you cannot see them anymore.
Again, this can be by text if that makes it seem possible to you – just put something together saying that you can no longer consider this person a friend so long as they insist on being homophobic.
And then tell them that you will always respect them if they change their stance.
That you will welcome them back into your life if – and only if – they decide to update their views on love.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/28/how-to-deal-with-a-homophobic-friend-11233282/
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