(Picture: Ella Byworth)
So you want to get out of giving your mate a gift, then, huh? Absolutely fair enough.
Let’s be honest, there are altogether too many occasions at which a gift is allegedly required. Birthdays, Christmas, engagements, baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, hen dos, anniversaries, house warmings and miscellaneous other happy times when frankly a hug and a high five should suffice.
Not to mention – Carrie Bradshaw was entirely correct in that episode where she argued that married people are entitled to too many presents and single people deserve to have expensive high heels bought for them.
We’ve all gone a little mad on the materialism front and truly, we could be getting away with a sentimental card rather than splurging on a burnt orange Le Creuset pot for someone whose betrothal we don’t even fully condone.
It’s time we did away with the unspoken pressure to validate every occasion with the presentation of a gift and perhaps even limited ourselves to giving presents only when we truly want to.
I will quickly say that giving a gift can be a jolly old feeling, sometimes, and it is a nice thing to do. If you’re into giving gifts, absolutely go for it, my friend.
Getting the perfect present for someone you actually cherish and seeing their face when they open it is a real delight. But on so many other occasions, it’s a straight-up nuisance.
Expensive, superfluous, inconvenient. An affront to your bank account and potentially even your principles. So, let’s trot through some circumstances in which you have my permission not to buy your mate a present.
When your presence is present enough
Destination weddings. Your best friend’s birthday dinner at a posh restaurant. Hen dos with multiple locations, activities and outfit changes.
Sometimes, your presence at a celebratory occasion ought to be present enough, especially if you’d had to pay for the pleasure of being there.
It really is your call here but I think we should be quietly rebelling against the social convention that we must lavish everyone in gifts, when attending someone’s event is actually a lovely (and expensive!!) enough gesture as it is.
Truly, if you’ve paid for flights to Ibiza, drinks all night, a spa day and then a Beyonce dance class (for which you also paid in dignity) to congratulate your friend on getting hitched, I don’t believe you owe them an extravagant present.
Maybe a little something, maybe a heartfelt card, maybe a promise to love them forever more, but really they should appreciate your physical presence more than anything.
We should not feel the need to mark every significant day with a tangible gift; might I suggest simply enjoying each other’s company and perhaps saying a nice thing, instead?
When you can’t afford it
There are always pay disparities in friendship groups. If some of you are minted and others less so, then it truly is only fair that people feel comfortable staying within their own budget.
If you cannot afford to treat your mate on her birthday or wedding or whatever, then simply do not. You might like to explain, if you’re into that sort of transparency, but equally you could just tell them how much they mean to you and make sure they know they matter instead.
You especially shouldn’t feel as though you must match someone’s own spending habits in the gift you get them.
Why do rich people always get the most lavish presents? It makes no sense.
It’s perfectly acceptable to give small, affordable gifts – in fact, they’re often the loveliest because let’s remember, if you’re measuring your friendship in monetary value, you’re doing it all wrong.
When in doubt, bake, write something genuine or get a houseplant.
When you don’t really like the person very much if you’re honest about it
Oof, buying a present for someone you don’t even like very much is a total injustice. A small one, in the scheme of things, but an injustice all the same.
Presents should really be gestures of love – a happy little physical object that signifies how much you like or adore a person. A treat, for both giver and recipient.
If you stick to that logic, you hereby have permission not to purchase items for people you don’t care for, people you actively dislike and people you have perhaps even chosen as a nemesis.
If social convention suggests that you should buy a present for someone you don’t like, think to yourself, is this really in the spirit of presents?
Would the patron saint of giving gifts (I don’t know, Santa Claus) approve this kind of behaviour?
I don’t think so. Go on, give yourself a cheeky little policy of only ever buying things for people who make your heart warm. Either that, or get this awful person something objectively terrible, if it’ll make you laugh.
When you have taken a no-present pact
Do you know what? If you routinely do not want to give your friends presents and you’d like to feel comfortable with that decision, you could consider setting up a no-present pact among your group.
You could all pledge to just spend time with each other and shower your birthday, engaged, pregnant friend with compliments and borderline inappropriate affection instead of handing them something wrapped.
You could set a monetary limit for birthday presents and just exchange mince pies at Christmas time. You could do a Secret Santa style setup, where you’re all only responsible for one person’s gift.
Do whatever feels right for your friendship group, but a no-present pledge could work. That way, you know what to expect and you can just do away with any guilt or awkwardness altogether.
You should relax into your anti-present stance. There’s no point being scrupulous about this if you’re arbitrarily going to feel guilt alongside it.
If you decide not to give gifts to your mates, stand by that choice and simply try to be extra pleasant company instead.
If we are friends and you’re going to see me on my birthday week, though, I’d like a personalised limerick about how much you love me – and a cookie.
source https://metro.co.uk/2019/10/10/there-are-only-four-times-you-can-get-away-with-not-getting-your-friend-a-present-10887923/
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