When you fall in love again after heartbreak, you hope you’ve finally found your happy ending.
And when this week’s Sex Column reader met a younger woman on a dating app — and got married — he thought she was The One.
But then, his son-in-law revealed a shocking secret: long before anyone had laid eyes on their respective partners, his son-in-law and now wife had slept together.
Check out our expert’s advice below, and before you go, take a look at last week’s dilemma, from a man who managed to have his heart broken twice by the same woman.
The problem…
I’ve just discovered that my son-in-law has had sex with my wife, and my head is all over the place.
Even though this happened long before I met her, I feel angry and betrayed. Why didn’t she tell me herself?
My first marriage broke down many years ago, and my ex went back to Canada, leaving me to bring up the children. It wasn’t always easy but I managed to make it work, and both of them are now adults with successful lives of their own.
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Once they had flown the nest, I decided to look for someone to share my life with and met a much younger woman on a dating app. We’ve now been together for three years, and until my son-in-law dropped this bombshell, I thought I was really lucky to have her.
Prior to this devastating news, I liked him immensely and looked on him as a second son. We play golf together so I’ve got to know him well, and always felt proud that my daughter had found someone so special.
My own son now lives in Canada with his mother, so this makes my son-in-law even more important to me.
But recently, when we were drinking in the golf club, he made a joke about sleeping with my wife when they were in their teens. The shock must have shown on my face, as he was then profusely apologetic and made a series of excuses about how it happened, and why he hadn’t told me before.
I introduced my then-girlfriend to my daughter and her husband long ago, and they must have realised that they knew each other already. Yet neither said anything, leaving me feeling such a fool.
The thought of him having sex with her makes me feel so upset and angry. I haven’t spoken to my wife about it, although she knows there’s something wrong.
I feel so betrayed by the pair of them.
The advice…
I understand why you feel so upset, but just ask yourself what either of them did wrong. It was long before they knew you and obviously meant little to either of them, as they didn’t continue the relationship.
Please try and get this in perspective. Your wife didn’t cheat on you, and by your own admission you felt lucky to have her until this incident. So why aren’t you lucky to have her now? We all have a past and hers unfortunately involves your son-in-law, which – given the fact that everyone is tiptoeing round the issue – makes things a little tricky.
Wait until you’ve calmed down, and then talk to your wife about what you know. Don’t be accusatory or angry – on the contrary, you should be accepting and understanding.
Yes, perhaps she should have told you that she had a past life with your daughter’s husband, but she had her own reasons for keeping quiet. Maybe she feared your reaction and decided to let sleeping dogs lie.
Encourage your son-in-law to tell his wife, and although things may feel a little weird for everyone at first, with time it will become an old story that no one cares about any more.
You were very happy before, and you can be happy again – as long as you don’t let something that happened years ago, ruin the life you have now.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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