As my friend turned her phone screen to face us, my heart sank.
There, beaming back at me in his tuxedo at a friend’s wedding was Tom*, the guy I’d been on a date with on Friday night.
I wasn’t sad because we’d ended up dating the same guy – this happened about six years ago when everyone seemed to be on Bumble – rather, I was upset because I knew the truth.
She had just been gushing about her night with him and how excited she was for date number two, but I knew it was never going to happen.
Back in 2019 I matched with Tom. On first impressions, he seemed great: He was handsome, fun, well-dressed and had his life together with a good job, his own flat and seemingly a life packed full of sport, hobbies and friends.
After a couple of weeks of texting, we decided to go on a date to a fancy pub.
I was dating quite a lot then (as were most of my friends) but he had really made me laugh over our messages so I had pretty high hopes that this was going to be a good date.
When I turned up to the pub on the Friday night, the green flags were all around.
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Not only was he already there, which is a big tick for me – there’s nothing worse than nursing a drink on your own while watching the door – he also looked exactly like his profile pictures and was dressed in a nice suit.
He’d even already text to ask me what I wanted to drink and had it waiting for me. So far, so good.
Luckily things only continued to improve from there. He had lots of funny stories about his Wolf of Wall Street-esque colleagues and was flirty and complimentary about my outfit without being sleazy
Things were going well and he suggested heading to a restaurant nearby for food. I’d never normally do this on a first date as it’s far harder to get out of a dinner than it is to make a hasty getaway from a pub or bar, but I definitely felt a spark so agreed.
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At dinner we then got onto the subject of other dates we’d been on. Now for some, this would be a big no-no, but I don’t usually mind this for first date chat. In fact, I think it can be a fun icebreaker.
I’ve heard hilarious stories about a woman whose front tooth fell out mid-way through dinner and she didn’t notice, and about one woman who turned up with two friends and demanded drinks for the three of them.
Even though those dates didn’t work out I took comfort that they weren’t that bad!
I also think it’s a useful way to tell if someone’s brand new to dating, which can sometimes be a sign they’re not over their ex.
Tom’s tale, though, didn’t fall into either category.
When he started telling me about a date he’d been on earlier that week, his whole demeanour changed.
I’ve heard hilarious stories about a woman whose front tooth fell out mid-way through dinner and she didn’t notice
He went from being laid back and considerate to being completely furious in a way that was totally over the top.
You’d think something horrific had happened on this date, but no, he was mainly angry that she hadn’t looked like her pictures.
I agree that we should be honest in how we picture ourselves, but he seemed fixated on all the flaws he saw in her body.
He wasn’t ashamed to say that she was, in his eyes, ‘a lot bigger’ than her pictures showed or afraid to ridicule her for how and what she ate and drank. He even mocked her laugh.
Frankly, my opinion of him completely changed in an instant. I was totally put off.
After seeing that side of him I knew I wasn’t interested but, in an attempt to be polite, I changed the subject and the conversation limped on until we’d finished our dinner.
I ordered an Uber before the bill even came and made my swift exit soon after, he didn’t seem to pick up on my mood and said ‘we should do it again’ but on the journey home, I promptly blocked him.
I would have quite happily forgotten all about him then and there but, later that weekend I met up with a group of friends and discovered something awful.
One of my friends was gushing about a date she’d recently been on. She was telling us all about how ‘great’ it had gone, how funny and cool the guy was, how he’d been a real gentleman, opening doors and paying for the drinks.
And although she hadn’t heard from him since, she was going to ask him for another date.
I was happy for her, right up until she started describing how he looked and where he worked.
‘Surely, it’s not the same guy?’ I thought to myself. And then she showed us a picture and my heart sank.
That was the same Tom I’d just been out with and, worse still, she was his ‘awful date’.
I felt both furious and guilty all at once.
I’d already been horrified that he could be so vile about a girl, but now I knew he was talking about a friend, it made me even more mad. But was it my place to tell her?
I couldn’t think of a way to tell her the truth and debated for ages what to do; ultimately though, I just didn’t think any good could come of it so I left it for him to ghost her.
She was disappointed but not devastated as it had only been one date, and I still think I did the right thing – that it would have been more hurtful to hear what he said.
However, a few weeks later I still felt guilty, so I suggested we look at our profiles together and help each other update them. When I saw her pictures they were all about five years old so I gently suggested she put some new lovely ones up just to be safe.
She needn’t have worried though, she’s married now to a work colleague and I’m sure has never given Tom another thought, and nor have I.
In hindsight I wish I’d told Tom on the date how judging someone so harshly on their body was completely out of order – the fact she turned out to be my friend is almost beside the point – people deserve to be called out for this kind of behaviour and I definitely would if it happened today.
*Name has been changed
This article was originally published February 8, 2025
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