Getting older means, inevitably, our looks change. We might gain – or lose – weight, change hairstyles or switch up our wardrobes.
But this week, we hear from a reader who says that, after 30 years of marriage, he no longer finds his wife attractive.
While he doesn’t want to leave his marriage, his wife’s friend is turning his head, and he’s left wondering: is an affair the answer?
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a single mum who is struggling to find a lasting relationship.
The problem:
I’ve been married for over 30 years to a woman I met in my teens, and have an adult daughter who lives in Australia.
My wife and I used to have a good sex life, but for the last few years, I’ve found it increasingly hard to fancy her. It probably sounds horrible and sexist, but she just doesn’t really turn me on any more. She rarely wears makeup and makes little effort with her hair or clothes unless we’re going out.
She has a friend who is divorced with no children, and we’ve socialised a lot with this woman over the years. I guess because she’s on her own, she has always tried to stay young and attractive, and I find myself fancying her more and more.
I think the feeling is mutual because when we’re out in a group, she flirts with me a lot when my partner isn’t looking. It’s gotten to the point where, even if I do make love to my wife, I just fantasise that I’m with her friend.
I think about the practical implications of divorcing, like what would happen to the house, whose side our friends would take, and so on. I’m not 100% sure if I want to break up the marriage, but I’m seriously thinking about having an affair with this woman.
In the last year, I’ve lost both my parents, which has made me realise that life is too short to mess about. I can’t bear to think that at 54, my life feels like it’s over when I know passion and excitement are within reach.
The advice:
It doesn’t sound as though you’ve done any more with this woman than just fantasise, but acting on the fantasy is another matter, and I wonder whether your feelings for her would survive if she were part of your everyday life.
You should never underestimate losing your parents, which has reminded you of your own mortality. You wouldn’t be the first person in your situation who suddenly behaved in a reckless and unexpected way. People take up extreme sports or throw in their jobs to go travelling, just because they feel they have to cram in lots of excitement while they can.
As you say, having an affair might satisfy your fantasies, but the ripple effect would change your life. And by the way, do you even know how this woman feels? Maybe she wouldn’t dream of taking things further than a mild flirtation; your partner is her friend, after all.
I think you need to have an honest talk with your wife about your feelings and let her talk about hers too. Maybe you’d both benefit from some pampering – she may have her own concerns about you.
Having an affair would be destructive and hurtful, so arrange some couples counselling and see whether your marriage can be revitalised.
If you end up feeling you have no future with your wife, then bite the bullet and go your own way before you do anything else.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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