We’re all for unique ways to save money, but putting a price on your partner putting out is a step too far.
A Facebook post last week, The Kelly Mac Show revealed how one couple are trying to boost their savings fund using a ‘honey money jar’ – a method many found distasteful to say the least.
The media personality shared that she’d spotted a jar of cash while visiting a friend and her husband, and when she asked about it, he said he’d devised the plan after getting ‘tired of hearing her complain about the repetitive, cheap birthday trips I’ve been giving her over the years.’
‘So, I created an incentive: the honey money jar,’ he explained. ‘Each time she gives me some, I put $20 in the jar. When we get to a month before her birthday, we’ll use the money for her trip.’
Kelly was in disbelief at the admission, but the couple assured her it was true.
‘The craziest part?,’ she continued, referring to the seven or eight notes pictured in the container. ‘They’ve been using this jar since January.’
Commenters were equally bemused, including Zawn who said: ‘Imagine being so bad at sex that you have to pay your wife for it. And then thinking that’s some sort of alpha flex.’
‘They’re not in a relationship – they’re business partners,’ added Gen Lyfe Skeme, while Bailey Bunny wrote: ‘If a man tells me that, I’m divorcing him.’
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Another, Carlos AndStacy Grimes said: ‘If I was told that I had to pay for my own birthday gift by “giving him some,” there’d probably be less than that in the jar and I’d be planning my birthday trip without him.’
Others highlighted that the husband’s scheme clearly hadn’t worked given the amount they’d saved over the course of the year. Some also blamed the wife for not getting on board, such as Jäy Reyes who commented, ‘It’s her fault she’s not going nowhere,’ and Kel Ken who joked: ‘New wife please asap.’
While we can’t know this couple’s situation, it appears the husband is the one putting the cash in but his wife is considered to be responsible for their sexual frequency – almost as if it’s her job.
Language like ‘giving [them] some’ can be a turn off in itself, implying it’s not a mutually satisfying act or putting pressure on the other partner to perform. But a honey money jar becomes particularly problematic if it’s one-sided or part of a pattern of controlling behaviour.
‘If at any stage, the jar is being used to coerce – or even encourage – the other to have sex, then it has become a big problem and must immediately be stopped,’ Annabelle Knight, sex and relationships expert at Lovehoney, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘There’s also the potential that it could cause one, or both, partners to view sex as a chore or a requirement for the relationship.’
Annabelle's top tips for couples to improve their sex life
Communication is key: ‘Practise active listening with your partner rather than passive, and ensure that you’re acting on whatever they are telling you. Prioritise quality time with one another, and really be present when you are together – put the phones down for a while.’
Scheduling sex: ‘Although the idea might give you an ick, this can give you something to look forward to, and the build-up can be incredibly exciting. It may start out by scheduling a day or night for some quality time together, but before you know it, you might be slipping between the sheets.’
Spice things up: ‘Is there something new you can incorporate into the bedroom that one or both of you have been dying to try? This could be an exciting new sex toy, maybe you want to christen a different room in your house, or perhaps there’s a position that’s on your sex bucket list that you can’t get off your mind.
‘Step out of your sex comfort zone – with communication and consent always prioritised – and you might just reignite that spark.’
Although there could be benefits to a honey money jar, these are contingent on both parties being on board – no guilt, shame, or expectation, just an extra reward on top of intimacy that helps you reach your shared financial goals.
Annabelle adds: ‘You could even spice it up by giving each “act” a different amount of money, for example, £1 for making out versus £10 for sex. Then, a year or six months later, you empty out the jar and spend it on something romantic together!’
One of the main advantages of a honey money jar is how it provides ‘a literal gauge of how your sex life is doing.’
‘Having this visual representation reminds couples that it’s important to prioritise sex and romantic time with one another,’ explains Annabelle. ‘And walking past a big ol’ sex jar in your bedroom is guaranteed to put it front of mind.
‘Even if it doesn’t end with you actually being physical, it might just spur one of you to send the other a flirty text message during the day or hold that hug for a little bit longer when you say goodbye.’
If you’re going through a bit of a dry spell, Annabelle recommends broaching the topic sensitively and positively – after all, hurt feelings or the sense that the relationship might be struggling are only going to kill the mood further.
‘Begin by talking about a recent intimate time you shared that you enjoyed, and really focus on what you loved, to create a positive atmosphere with as little anxiety as possible,’ she says.
‘Remember that a healthy sex life is the responsibility of both partners, so a strong way to approach it is by sparking a conversation on how you can support one another to make space for intimacy and sex in your hectic lives. This takes away the perception of blame, and is less likely to make your partner defensive.’
Use ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ statements and try to focus on your own feelings and experiences, putting a ‘why’ behind your desire by explaining what you miss about sex, from the emotional connection to the shared vulnerability.
And a word of warning from Annabelle: ‘“You never want to have sex” is a one-way ticket to an argument,’ so steer clear of accusations.
Finally, she says: ‘Remember that your partner’s wants, needs and desires are just as important as yours. Don’t just talk about what you want – ask if there’s anything they’d like to do or try in the bedroom.
‘This will open up a healthy dialogue, and may even get you both feeling hot and bothered.’
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