For 55-year-old James Hay*, the thought of crafting a breakup message is… a lot.
Some opt for cliches; others go for a quick text (or Post-It, in the case of SATC’s Jack Berger) to sever ties; and more still avoid it altogether and simply ghost their partners.
But while James was keen to give an explanation and not just disappear off the face of the earth, the words just weren’t coming to him. And so he turned to technology – more specifically, ChatGPT.
‘It was after the third date and I decided I really didn’t want to be with her,’ he tells Metro.co.uk. ‘I just thought I’d rather word it nicely so that she didn’t hate me, so I got ChatGPT to break up with her instead.’
Using AI, he drafted what he calls ‘a Dear Janice letter’.
‘I can’t remember the exact words, but it was basically an expanded “it’s not you, it’s me”, talking about how I’m not ready to commit, that I’m not mentally in the right place, and I don’t want to waste your time whilst I figure things out,’ he says.
The digital firm owner, who is single and actively dating, said it was a ‘beautifully crafted’ breakup letter – and it was actually well received.
‘She was like “that’s really nice of you to say”,’ he adds.
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Obviously James didn’t tell his date she’d been dumped by AI, otherwise it may have been a less positive reception. But her reaction emboldened him and made him feel like it was a good way to let women down easily, and took some of the pressure away from him.
Relationship coach Gemma Nice tells Metro.co.uk she’s had a few clients ask if using ChatGPT is appropriate when breaking up with someone.
‘It depends how long you’ve been together and dating,’ she explains. ‘If it’s longer than a year and you decide things aren’t going right and want to go your separate ways, your partner receiving the breakup text or email may know that it’s not you who has written this.’
‘Although, I have had a couple of clients breakup using different ways, as in getting a writer to write a text to their partner ending things,’ Gemma adds. ‘This concept has been around for a while but only now are we starting to use AI for it.’
While people have done it, the relationship coach said using a bot to breakup with your partner is ‘a cop out’.
‘People like to be told in person the whys of the breakup. If you use AI to draft a text it’s not you personally coming through,’ she explains. ‘I know it’s not easy to do it face to face, but AI loses the personal touch.’
It can also be pretty cruel. On a ChatGPT subreddit, one user shared they asked the bot to suggest some funny ways to breakup with someone. When it comes to feelings, it’s never a laughing matter, but the tech had no issue with suggesting some VERY sarcastic one-liners.
It suggested things like: ‘We’re like a bad Netflix series – it’s time to cancel us,’ and ‘let’s face it; our relationship is like a rollercoaster, and I need to get off before I throw up’.
It’s safe to say you’d be largely unimpressed if you got that line over WhatsApp – although you’d count your lucky stars you got out when you did.
But it’s not just dreaded dumpings that AI is being used for. James uses ChatGPT in all areas of his dating life.
‘I use it on [exclusive dating app] Raya for creating the perfect bio and to create the perfect replies or introductory messages. It’s basically like having your own copywriter next to you,’ he says.
‘You brief it, so you might say, “okay, this girl is in wherever – Rome, Paris – and she’s into modelling. Her likes are XYZ”, then it will come up with a really good opener.’
You might think that these replies are going to be painfully cringe, but James doesn’t seem to think so.
‘They aren’t cheesy, not really, because it will know not to do cheese.’
Gemma, however, believes this AI approach to dating will backfire and create superficial relationships.
She says: ‘You’re relying too much on AI and not coming across as yourself. You can only keep that persona up for so long before the cracks begin to show, and then how are you going to explain that to your partner?’
Of course, James has never told any women he’s spoken to that he’s used AI to win them over.
‘Maybe at the altar, I might tell them, “Oh I haven’t written my vows, ChatGPT did them”,’ he jokes.
‘I’m making an effort. I mean, God knows I don’t want them to meet the real James at the beginning – plenty of time for them to be disappointed in the future.
‘What’s funny is, I never know, maybe their response is a ChatGPT too; like AI having a relationship with AI.’
When it comes to providing helpful relationship advice, the singleton turns to his favourite bot for help yet again.
‘I’ve had friends message me and go, “Oh God, what am I going to do with my girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever.” And I’ll just ask ChatGPT to reply, and they’ll go, “Thanks, James, that’s really good advice!”,’ he says.
‘You have to brief it properly though.’
His friend was going through a tough time with his girlfriend, who was struggling with some issues. So James put in the specific things she was struggling with into ChatGPT.
It offered this answer: ‘What you should do is you should really offer your support to her. She’s going through a very difficult stage, she doesn’t know what she’s doing, she’s obviously struggling with some issues. Maybe you can suggest some therapy.’
James shares that, as a friend, he would’ve just said ‘dump her, mate’, but instead he offered his pal the AI advice, and the couple ended up reconciling because of it.
For all its drawbacks, Gemma does suggest a way that AI and people can work together to benefit relationships.
‘Sometimes we can get flustered and mix up our words when dealing with a breakup and using AI can help put your feelings into words,’ she explains.
‘I think if you do use it, read it over and over again and use it more of a template rather than actually send it. Use words that you would normally use and come from the heart even if you are writing a breakup text.
‘AI can act as a mediator when you are going through a breakup and it can help you draft a nice text to come over thoughtful and kind rather than shouty.’
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