You’re smart, funny and full of great first-date anecdotes – so why do you have zero luck on the dating scene?
Well, according to one dating expert, there’s one common behaviour that means you’re ‘undateable’.
Janet Martinez, who goes by ‘The Cursing Counselor’ on TikTok, says if you’re not ‘fully healed’ from your last relationship, you shouldn’t be diving head-first back into the dating pool.
And how can you tell if you still have work to do? Well, if you’re still checking your phone to see if your ex has texted, it’s a clear sign you’re not quite there yet.
‘If you are still looking at your phone and checking your messages and checking your emails every few minutes to see if they’ve reached out, you are not healed, you are not dateable,’ Janet said.
‘You are not dating material, you should not be in the dating world. You haven’t done enough work on yourself yet. You’re accepting the crumbs off of somebody else’s table.’
The ‘main giveaway,’ your prospective partner can spot, Janet added, is anxiety.
‘It is the constant checking. It is always wondering,’ she said. ‘They’re always in your head and you tell yourself, ‘I’m gonna go no contact,’ and you block them for like a day and then you unblock them just to see if they reached out.’
She continued: ‘I see you. You know what I’m talking about. Again, my love, you’re just not healed. You’re not healed, you’re not.’
Bumped into your ex? Here's how to feel grounded again
Caroline Plumer, psychotherapist and founder of CPPC London, previously told Metro.co.uk: ‘Try your best to accept that seeing an ex is bound to bring up emotions – you don’t need to ignore those emotions, but you can choose to acknowledge them, not judge yourself for them, and move on.’
She recommends using mindfulness to get in the present moment, away from your ex, by focusing on the sights, smells, sounds, and textures around you.
Noticing emotions, but not judging them, is also a popular mindfulness technique, used frequently by the app Headspace.
You can also try breathing techniques, like box breathing, to help yourself get grounded again.
Box breathing works by: inhaling through the nose for a count of four, holding it for four, then releasing for four, and repeating the process.
‘For some people, once they get over the initial shock of seeing an ex, and the adrenalin drops, they may feel fine pretty quickly.
‘For those who have more complex feelings about their ex (even if they weren’t aware they did), it may take longer to get back to an even keel – perhaps they might struggle throughout the rest of the week.
‘If it is taking longer than this to feel better, this is when it is probably worth taking a closer look at your feelings and trying to investigate what is really going on for you, perhaps with a friend, or ideally with a professional counsellor or therapist.’
‘When you go out into the world in this state, you are not going to find the peace and happiness that you admire in others. You will never find it for yourself’
As viewers grappled with this hard truth, many of them took to the comments to vent their frustrations. ‘I can’t handle the truth,’ user @VittoriaC4 admitted. ‘Yep! I’m definitely not ready,’ @Kristi_from_Colorado added. ‘Deleted the 🐝 app last week.’
But it wasn’t all bad news and hard truths, as other commenters shared how they’ve been through this, and successfully came out of the other side.
‘I can honestly say that I’m free then!’ @JaniesGotACinnaBun enthused. ‘You won’t recognise this until you’re healed’ @TitanZeke added.
It just serves to show that while the path to healing might be rocky sometimes, it is definitely worth it.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2024/03/16/this-dating-behaviour-proves-youre-undateable-says-therapist-20477142/
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