It may only be March, but 2024 has kicked off with some very bizarre drama, as the whole world watched in morbid fascination as families in Glasgow were ripped off with a haphazard production of a Willy Wonka experience.
And then, the internet was collectively obsessed, and a hunt to find the stars at the centre of it all began.
The clips went everywhere and the memes were born, with thousands of social media users obsessed with the chaos, and finally discovering who was behind it all – with the organisers behind the project having the police called on them.
Eventually, the actors involved in the production were brought on national television – taking a seat on the Good Morning Britain sofa like hundreds of A-listers before them, as they reached new heights on fame.
The anonymous star of the show, The Unknown, even released a ‘face reveal’, which has amassed more than two millions views on TikTok.
It even took over Hollywood, with Chrissy Teigen calling for the infamous Oompa Loompa to start a Cameo.
If there was anything to kick off the year and bring the world together, it was utter shock at the shambles that went on.
Now there’s a film about all the drama – or rather, loosely based on some of the characters – set to be released this year.
Kaledonia Pictures told Bloody Disgusting they are hoping for a late 2024 release for their film The Unknown, which follows ‘a renowned illustrator and his wife who are haunted by the tragic death of their son, Charlie.’
‘Desperate to escape their grief, the couple leave the world behind for the remote Scottish Highlands – where an unknowable evil awaits them.’
Right, okay. Our opinions about that aside, it’s got us thinking about, should the actual production be turned into a film and who would absolutely smash the roles.
Casting directors, take note of the below…
Willy Wonka
Actor Paul Connell got his big break in a surprising way – playing Wonka in the farce that was the Glasgow experience.
But it’s brought him international attention, and there could be a feature film on the way – but who would take on his role?
Ncuti Gatwa
Ncuti has already proved himself as a brilliantly barmy Doctor, and if anyone can save the ’15 pages of AI gibberish’ the Glasgow Wonka experience came up with, it’s him.
Charlie Day, but in character as Charlie Kelly from It’s Always Sunny
The shambolic experience was already compared to something you’d see in an episode of Always Sunny, they may as well lean into it. And yes, he has to wear the Day Man costume.
James Corden
Dress James in a top hat and cane, make him a little bit evil, and give him so many musical numbers. It’s a horror movie, after all.
Sad Oompa Loompa
For a lot of people, their first introduction to the horror that was the £45 Willy Wonka Glasgow experience was of Kirsty Paterson, in what was dubbed the Oompa Loompa Meth Lab. Which stars could accurately portray the defeat in her spirit?
Florence Pugh
Oscar-nominee Florence would be the perfect choice for the Sad Oompa Loompa – just imagine the iconic Midsommar frown in this context.
Karen Gillan
Doctor Who and Marvel star Karen literally announced that if a movie was ever made about this shambles, she wanted to be involved. Plus, she’s proven she has no trouble shaving her head or wearing mad makeup for a role.
Hugh Grant
Hugh played an Oompa Loompa in 2023’s Wonka epic musical – and by his own admission, hated every minute of it. We’d love to see him do it again.
Other Oompa Loompa
While she didn’t go as viral as the downtrodden Oompa Loompa, the second Oompa Loompa played by Irish actress Jenny Fogarty is just as crucial to the Glasgow Wonka experience and, we hope, to the upcoming movie. But who could play her character?
Sheridan Smith
Not just hopping on the meme bandwagon that Sheridan Smith always gets a role in British dramas – we can see it, and you can too.
Lindsay Lohan
She’s making her comeback to movies and she may as well do it right, with a cheesy romcom, followed by a cheesy romcom, followed by a cheesy horror.
Daisy May Cooper
Okay, this is mostly because of her unfortunate experience with expired self-tan. But we think it would work.
The Unknown
Doug Jones
Doug has played plenty of iconic monsters and this could be his next big role: from the Pale Man in Pan’s Labyrinth to Amphibian Man in The Shape of Water to The Unknown in the Glasgow Shambles – what a career.
Claudia Winkleman
She’s got the dark hair, she’s no stranger to gliding around in a cloak, and she can up the tension with just a few words – The Traitors star Claudia has got to be in the running.
Tiffany Pollard
We know from her time on Celebrity Big Brother that Tiffany Pollard can command a room (to absolutely disastrous effect) – and her David’s Dead mixup was one of the biggest viral videos of all time – until The Unknown came along.
The Unknown
Aka 16-year-old Felicia, who played the now-iconic character in the original Glasgow… is production the right word?
The Unknown became an iconic character because of her acting in those few tiny second clips – why mess with perfection?
Give her the role.
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