‘You’ll meet someone soon, I’m sure’, ‘you must be lonely’, ‘How long has it been since your last relationship now?’ – all phrases many single people have heard over and over again.
If you’re used to friends, family or colleagues continuously questioning the idea of you being on your own, you’ve been single-shamed.
While you might be enjoying not being in a relationship, they seem to believe you can’t be happy without a partner.
And it seems with everyone having to narrow down who they’re able to see during the pandemic, it is on the rise.
According to a survey for Match, over half of the 1,000 people asked said they had experienced single-shaming, and 37% of people said this had increased since the start of the pandemic.
Ella has been single for 18 months and a year ago (just before the pandemic started), she decided to delete dating apps, feeling she didn’t want to focus so much time on finding a partner.
Ella says: ‘I’m really happy not being in a relationship. I live with two other friends who are also single and am trying to set up my own business, and honestly I don’t think I have the time or energy for a relationship.
‘Even during lockdown, I felt perfectly fine being cooped up with my two best friends, but other friends and my family would call me up to make sure I was ok because I was “on my own” just because I don’t have a partner,’ she says.
‘It’s so frustrating seeing family and rather than wanting to talk about how well my business is going or the hobbies I enjoy, they just want to ask about when I’m going to find someone and get married.
‘I’m only 29! If I met someone and it was the right time, I’d love that but my life is about more than just finding a relationship.’
While your loved ones might not mean any harm by their comments, they can grind you down over time.
Zoe says it’s something she’s put up with for the last three years since her last relationship.
The 34-year-old, from Oxford, adds: ‘It might be nice to be in a relationship but I don’t feel it’s integral to my happiness.
‘People say things like “you deserve happiness” and I don’t think they realise how patronising that is. Do they just assume that I’m utterly miserable? Because that’s not the case. Lots of people in relationships are still very unhappy.
‘Another one that really annoys me is “you’ll find someone someday”. It makes it sound like I am just sat around waiting to find someone.
‘I’ve had lots of situations where I could have been in a relationship but I’ve chosen not to because that person wouldn’t make me happier or improve me life.
The top 10 most common single-shaming phrases heard by singles
- You’ll find someone soon – 38% of those surveyed had heard this phrase
- You must be so lonely – 29%
- I can’t believe you haven’t met anyone yet – 26%
- Have you met anyone nice recently? – 24%
- Are you seeing anyone special? – 24%
- How long has it been since your last relationship? – 24%
- Let me set you up with someone! – 20%
- I feel sorry for anyone who’s been single during this pandemic – 18%
- Don’t you want some company? – 18%
- Why do you think you’re still single? – 18%
‘I’d rather be single and in control of my own life and happiness than compromise it for anyone else.’
Zoe says she thinks the shaming has got worse since the pandemic started, as people struggled to accept she was content being in lockdown alone.
‘I had one friend who I actually fell out with because he kept saying he was “checking in on me”,’ she said.
‘The way he talked about it made me feel sad or unstable just because I was alone.
‘I didn’t like the tone of it and asked him to stop doing it like that but he carried on.
‘I think it’s fine to see how your friends are doing but frame it as just a catch up or a chat, rather than “checking in”. Just be a normal friend – you don’t need to make them feel like you’re treating them differently just because they’re single.’
Match’s dating expert, Hayley Quinn explains it’s ok to feel a little irked by comments questioning your choice.
She says: ‘Being single isn’t a waiting room for something better to happen in your life. Whilst a lot of singles will be actively looking to meet that special someone, many will also be really content with their life as it is.
‘That’s why single-shaming is so annoying; it assumes that we all want the same kind of relationship, at the same time. Most people wouldn’t dream of asking someone, “so you still haven’t bought a house yet?”, however when it comes to our love lives, it can feel like suddenly everyone has an opinion!
‘Finding a meaningful relationship is an amazing thing but being single can also be one of the best of times of your life. You’ll never have so much time for personal development, self-care and to go after your goals. If those goals involve finding commitment, then having a fantastic relationship with yourself first will mean you go on to make better choices as to who you share your life with.
‘So, it’s high time that we became aware that there’s not just one way someone can be happy and dropped the single-shaming.’
Hayley’s tips on how to handle single-shaming
- Remember being single is always a choice, so hold your head up high!
- When most people single-shame, they’re just trying to show that they care. So even if how they express that is annoying, this often isn’t their intention
- When you respond, avoid apologising or making self-deprecating statements like ‘I’m not very good at keeping them interested I guess..’. Instead speak positively about your life.
- You don’t need to justify your love life to someone else, so it’s okay to give a vague response
- Don’t be afraid to change the topic to something else that you’re passionate about, there’s more to life than just relationships.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch at metrolifestyleteam@metro.co.uk.
MORE : Couples believe their relationships are stronger thanks to Covid-19
MORE : Bubble-sharing is a new milestone in pandemic dating
Rush Hour Crush - love (well, lust) is all around us
Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm.
Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here, and you could see your message published on the site.
source https://metro.co.uk/2021/03/12/single-shaming-is-getting-worse-because-of-the-pandemic-study-says-14228945/
0 Comments