It was after my husband and I had lost a baby and were told it was unlikely we would ever have our own child, that we decided to look into adoption.
As my parents had fostered 200 children over 20 years, I knew a great deal about the care system and it took us two years to be given our son, a blue-eyed baby boy in the 1980s.
The agency had warned us that babies for adoption were few and far between but we were given a six week old boy, Simon (not his real name) – one of only 12 adopted in Sussex that year.
We were determined he would grow up knowing of his adoption.
I used to hug him, right from the first day, and call him my darling adopted boy, so he always knew adoption meant love and hugs.
As we live in a small village, everyone knew Simon was adopted. We felt it was important that we told him about his background and not some stranger.
Our son was nine years old before he really understood what adoption meant and by then we surprisingly had four natural children.
I remember having him and his sister in a double buggy when someone asked, ‘which are yours?’. I simply replied ‘those two’, but I knew that person was really asking which was my natural child, which felt quite cruel.
But the truth was – and still is – we genuinely forget Simon is adopted. We even speak about his inherited family genes; to which he laughs and reminds us that we’ve forgotten again!
When he was 12, we adopted a 14-year-old boy, who had been totally abandoned by his huge natural family.
Until then Simon had imagined all marvellous things about his birth family but the older boy brought him back down to earth by telling him that not all birth families were great.
His advice did more good than anything I could have said because it came from a teenager who had lived with a very inadequate birth family. He knew from bitter experience that they could fail you and wanted to make sure his brother was prepared for that outcome in case it happened.
It wasn’t until a few years ago, when Simon was in his thirties, that he decided to find his birth mother.
His third daughter had just been born and he realised his girls were his only blood relatives. This seemed to have started a need in him to find out more about his birth family.
Simon explained to me that it was not because our family wasn’t enough but he just needed to know. He admitted that he’d always felt different and wondered if this was because he was adopted.
As we’d always had a solid, loving relationship, I had no concerns that he wanted to meet his birth mother. In fact, part of me actually felt excited for him. But I also couldn’t help but feel anxious that it wouldn’t be what he expected and he would end up disappointed.
There was no guarantee that his birth mother would even want to know about Simon. We did not know her; all we had were notes from the adoption society 30 years before. She would be an entirely different person from that scared 18 year old, who gave him away as she had no family or partner to help her.
Although adopted children are advised to search for birth families through an adoption counsellor, Simon ended up finding his birth mother through Facebook, which also gave me cause for concern. I was worried it could go wrong and really hurt him, as he hadn’t been emotionally prepared for rejection.
I knew his birth mother had given him up for all the right reasons and thought she was a courageous woman making an impossible decision when only a teenager.
Her first question when he messaged her via Facebook was, ’have you had a happy life?’
She was 18, had no family support, the baby’s father was not on the scene, so she took the only decision she could. Her family was miles away and she had had to cope with divorced parents in her own fractured childhood. I knew she didn’t want this for Simon. She knew the adoption process was very detailed and trusted them to find her child a good home.
Her first question when he messaged her via Facebook was, ’have you had a happy life?’ and he assured her he had.
When he told me that was what she’d asked, I knew she was the same good mother who had given him up. Her thoughts were for him not herself.
They carried on messaging via Facebook for a while and then decided to meet up in 2018 at a hotel miles from his home in Sussex.
On the day, I took Simon to the train station for the journey to Derby. I knew he had to do this and wanted him to go, but I was so worried that it would all end in tears.
I was also surprised at how my feelings changed now that he was actually going to meet her.
Suddenly, it felt strange that another woman could call herself his mother. I don’t think my husband had the same fears as he wasn’t meeting his birth father, but I know he was worried Simon might get hurt.
I have always felt the same about Simon as my natural children so I found it hard to accept he had another mother. I knew it was illogical on one level as I didn’t give birth to him but I have looked after him since he was six weeks old.
He was my first child so he felt like a newborn to me.
I tried to keep busy throughout the day, but could’t stop myself from worrying whether it would affect our relationship. But any anxiety I had disappeared once he called me that night.
He told me that although they had got on well, she was still a stanger to him despite their blood bond.
I’m selfish enough to admit relief flooded over me when I heard that. I just need to know that I was still his mum and I hadn’t lost him. It was only then I realised I had been worrying about it a great deal.
She has thanked me for taking care Simon and giving him the life she could not at that time
It felt like I could let myself feel happy he had found her and that his need for a blood relative was achieved. His birth mother would be part of his life but not his whole life.
During their meeting, Simon told her all about us and his siblings, so she could see he was happy and that she’d achieved what she had set out to do when she had given him up for adoption. He also discovered he had a half brother and sister, which threw him a little.
They’ve stayed in touch ever since, exchanging gifts at birthdays and Christmas, and now it feels like his birth mother is more like a special friend or aunt than a mum.
She and I have even become friends on Facebook.
Her first message was to tell me I was a special person she thought she would never meet. She has thanked me for taking care of Simon and giving him the life she could not at that time.
Now, we text about our granddaughters and I tell them that she’s a special friend, as I think they’re too young to truly understand at the moment.
When Simon joined our family I wrote a book for him and included his pictures, adding a new chapter every time we had a new baby. I’d sit and read it at bedtime to him, while he was amazed that all his brothers and sisters were in a book not realising that it was just for him.
We still have the book and I will probably read it to my grandchildren eventually, to help explain his adoption.
I’d really like to see his birth mum in person her one day and we’d actually planned for our whole family to meet her this summer but Covid-19 put a stop to that for the time being.
I am so pleased my son was confident enough to find his birth mother and discover that the people who bring you up, care for you until you’re an adult, are your parents and biology is not the most important part.
And I feel strongly that adoptive parents should allow their children to find their birth families, if they want to.
I know of people who put off finding birth parents until their adoptive parents had died, but I think this puts such a burden on the adoptive child that it is ultimately very unfair. No one can take away the years of care the adoptive parents have put in so there is nothing to fear.
All adoptive children should know that adoption is equal to the greatest love a parent can give a child needing a home. My sons certainly do.
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Adoption Month
Adoption Month is a month-long series covering all aspects of adoption.
For the next four weeks, which includes National Adoption Week from October 14-19, we will be speaking to people who have been affected by adoption in some way, from those who chose to welcome someone else's child into their family to others who were that child.
We'll also be talking to experts in the field and answering as many questions as possible associated with adoption, as well as offering invaluable advice along the way.
If you have a story to tell or want to share any of your own advice please do get in touch at adoptionstories@metro.co.uk.
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/10/19/when-son-wanted-to-meet-birth-mother-hard-to-accept-13433797/
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