After hitting 40 and still finding herself still single, Jenny decided to adopt alone.
Throughout the process of applying, she always thought she’d have lots of support around her.
But the day before she was meant to meet her little boy for the first time, lockdown was announched.
The process was postponed but wanting to bring him home as soon as possible, Jenny (not her real name) isolated in June and was finally able to meet her son. A week later, he came to stay for good.
But with widespread restrictions still in place, adopting alone has been isolating.
Speaking to Metro.co.uk for Adoption Month, Jenny says: ‘Lockdown has really helped our bond and his attachment to me but the hardest part has not been being able to share him with friends and family like I had hoped to.
‘Social distancing and restrictions have made that hard, which takes away a little of the joy of becoming a mum.’
Jenny had always wanted to be a mum but relationships hadn’t worked out for her.
She explains: ‘I assumed I would meet a guy, get married and have children but life hasn’t turned out that way for me. I have done so much online dating in my time but relationships just weren’t right and I found as I got older that my desire to become a mum was greater than my need and want to meet a partner.’
Although she considered other routes, she decided that adoption was the right thing for her.
Jenny had some experience of the process as her sister and brother-in-law and some close friends had welcomed children into their lives.
She chose to go to an information evening with Coram Adoption Agency in November 2018, which was the agency her sister and friends had adopted through.
Jenny says: ‘I was the only single person there but they were very good at being very inclusive and focused on adoption being something for anyone regardless of relationship status, sexuality or ethnicity and I found that really encouraging.
‘I was also impressed that Coram offer lifelong support to adoptive families so I know that even when the legal parts of adoption is complete I will still have support as my little boy grows older.’
Just before Christmas 2018, she sent in the paperwork and was accepted onto Stage 1 in January 2019, which involved filling out more forms, a DBS check , a pet and home assessment and a full medical. By Easter, she was accepted onto Stage 2.
She explains: ‘Stage 2 is the more intense stage where I had weekly two hour meetings with my social worker and we spent time exploring EVERY aspect of my life.
‘It felt a lot like therapy and I am sure my social worker knows more about me than my closest friends and family.
‘I would need a good workout at the gym afterwards to try and let off steam or process what I had just explored during our sessions.’
In July last year, she finished Stage 2 and was sent to an approval panel in September 2019. After that, it was about finding the right child for her.
She explains: ‘In early December I got a call from my social worker to say that the family finder had found a child who she thought I would be interested in. I knew straight away as soon as I read his profile that this was my child and tried not to get too excited.
‘Due to it being Christmas everything got put on hold until January 2020 when we had the link meeting and I was linked with my little boy by mid-January.’
In January, no one had any idea of the huge impact coronavirus would have and Jenny prepared for her son to come home in March.
The matching panel took place on 11 March and Jenny was given a unanimous yes, with 25 March as the date for introductions to begin.
Jenny explains: ‘I had left work, my adoption leave had begun and everything was ready to bring my little boy at home but the global pandemic had other ideas.
‘Up until March 24 when lockdown was announced it looked like my introductions would go ahead but once the PM announced a lockdown, everything got put on hold. I was told that it was all on pause…indefinitely.
‘I was mentally, emotionally and the house was ready to bring him home. To have everything on hold with no idea when things might proceed was just heartbreaking.’
As a teacher, Jenny was able to go back to work and taught online lessons until May half term, where she started her leave again.
She also spent the time trying to help her son understand who she was, even though she could now bring him home. Her son was still under one so it was more difficult to explain anything to him.
She adds: ‘I recorded videos of me singing nursery rhymes, reading stories and introducing myself and our cat so that his foster carers could play these to him and start introducing “mummy” virtually.
‘I was sent photos of him clapping for carers, celebrating VE day, reacting to my videos and it was really lovely to be able to see him through videos and photos.
‘These helped me to keep hopeful that I would meet him and I really do feel that when we did finally meet he had a recognition as to who I was (mummy from the phone).’
With lockdown restrictions easing slightly in June and a realisation that coronavirus was going to impact us long term, they decided to look at ways the adoption could go ahead. Jenny and her son’s introductions were the first the agency went ahead with during lockdown.
Jenny and his foster carers had to isolate for over a week beforehand and had to follow strict rules.
A week after the first introduction, he was able to come home and has been with Jenny every since. She is now waiting for his adoption to be finalised.
Although she was delighted to finally have her son, coronavirus and lockdown made it very different to anything she had expected.
She says: ‘In hindsight, I am very glad that my little boy didn’t come home at the start of lockdown because your support network is such a huge part of adoption (and any parenting).
‘It’s been a struggle even with restrictions eased so it would have been incredibly lonely and hard without people being able to support.
‘A few weeks after my little boy came home, support bubbles were introduced which has been a godsend for me. Having friends around the corner who can be our extended household has been so needed.
‘When my little boy came home his sleep was pretty bad and so I had numerous weeks where I was struggling to get through the day so having our support bubble to go to for help was the lifeline I needed.
‘My support network of friends and family did provide me with frozen meals and were always at the end of the phone which has been amazing but not quite the same as having them visit in person.
‘I had no options of soft play or swim lessons or taking him to groups so it has literally just been the two of us for the majority of the time.’
Due to the unusual circumstances, her adoption team have made sure to check in on her mental health in the months since her little boy came home.
She explains: ‘I was told that it is very common for adoptive parents to get the adoption blues after the excitement of bringing your little one home has worn off a little and this could be even harder when the support networks you were looking to for help are no longer around due to the pandemic.
‘I definitely went through a few low patches, partly due to lack of sleep and missing family and friends. Single parenting is very lonely and life can feel incredibly monotonous when you are doing everything without many breaks.
‘I am fortunate that I have been able to exercise during the pandemic by working out in the local park with my PT and I was able to keep this up when my little one came home by taking him with me so I know that has helped me mentally and has been great for him to watch me and he loves being outdoors.’
Almost five months since her little boy came home, Jenny says it feels like he has always been with her.
She says: ‘He definitely knows I am his mummy and he gives the best cuddles…something I have really missed in lockdown.
‘We had a connection from the start but it felt odd referring to him as my son and my child. I definitely feel that now and I am in love with this little boy who has totally changed my life and completed me and my little family…our cat still needs a little more convincing but I think she secretly loves him.
‘I have submitted my paperwork for the adoption order and I cannot wait to legally be able to give him my surname, he is mine already but this will be the bonus.’
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Adoption Month
Adoption Month is a month-long series covering all aspects of adoption.
For the next four weeks, which includes National Adoption Week from October 14-19, we will be speaking to people who have been affected by adoption in some way, from those who chose to welcome someone else's child into their family to others who were that child.
We'll also be talking to experts in the field and answering as many questions as possible associated with adoption, as well as offering invaluable advice along the way.
If you have a story to tell or want to share any of your own advice please do get in touch at adoptionstories@metro.co.uk.
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/10/25/what-its-like-to-become-a-single-mum-by-adoption-during-lockdown-13463784/
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