After meeting in their early 40s, Gareth and Clare quickly realised they wanted a family together.
Gareth wanted lots of children – six or seven – but they managed to compromise on three.
But as they were older, they knew having three kids was going to be difficult.
So instead, they decided to adopt – and they ended up welcoming a group of siblings, age four, three and one, in one go through adoption.
Speaking to Metro.co.uk for Adoption Month, Clare explains: ‘Gareth really wanted lots of children, he was talking six or seven but we finally managed to agree on three.
‘Obviously, due to our ages, we realised it was probably unrealistic to think that we would have the family we wanted the usual way.
‘Bringing up children and enjoying family life was the main driver for us rather than creating a mini-me or passing on our genes, so adoption seemed the natural route for us to take.’
They started the process in 2015 and for them, it was a very positive experience.
Clare adds: ‘Historically, there’s a lot of negative thinking around the adoption process and we’d heard so many scare stories, we’re hoping we can dispel that myth having been through it.
‘We were allocated a fantastic social worker, Lorraine, who was very thorough. Although the process can be intrusive, we never felt that.
‘I can honestly say I really rather enjoyed the process – how often do you get to sit and talk about yourself for hours on end and the other person just sits and listens intently?! It’s also somewhat of a voyage of discovery about yourself – your values, your upbringing, what has shaped you into the person you are today.’
They were approved as adopters in mid March and were committed to welcoming a sibling group.
Clare explains: ‘We felt we’d already waited a lifetime for our own family. We knew we wanted three so thought “let’s just get on with it”.
‘We also knew that sibling groups wait longer for a family. We also considered that when you adopt and then look to adopt again, the social workers are keen to keep ‘the natural order of things’ where possible in that any other children need to be at least nine months to a year younger than the previous child, as happens generally.
‘People are often amazed that we took on our three littles all in one go but as we always say, we’ve never known any different, so I doubt we’re any more bewildered than any other first time parents who had just the one.
‘I remember the chair of the adoption panel walking over to give us their recommendation, looking all serious, his words were: “Three? We think you’re mad, but you’re approved.”‘
They were added to the adoption register for Wales (Linkmaker), which assists with finding families for children and quickly realised how often sibling groups can wait longer.
Clare explains: ‘We put all our details in and by the time we were matched with our three in early April, we’d been contacted by 11 different family finding social workers looking for forever families for their little gangs.
‘We found it emotional that so many young children needed families, but also heartening that such efforts were being made to keep siblings together. It’s so important.’
Almost 12 months exactly from when they started the adoption process, their children came home.
‘We certainly believe that having that continuity and connection helped our children to settle into their new home more easily,’ Clare says.
‘The whole introduction and moving in phase is just a blur – best word of advice is to keep lots of instant porridge pots to hand as we were so wrapped up in the children, we would forget to eat!
‘The first thing our son said to us was, “oh it’s mummy and daddy” which just blew us away and the second thing was, “do you have food at your house?” which is a sharp reminder of the hardships these children have often endured in their journey towards a safe, secure and loving family environment, which is every child’s right.’
From there, they quickly got used to life as a family of five and the couple began to understand more about being adoptive parents.
Clare adds: ‘There are challenges and benefits to adopting a sibling group. For some, their established connection can make it easier for them to settle into their new family.
‘I think there’s always that primaeval safety in numbers thing – they’re not on their own, suddenly living with two people they don’t really know, calling themselves mummy and daddy.
‘In saying that, the bond they have is also a reminder of the shared trauma they have suffered in the past.
‘There is a lot more awareness now of the impacts of trauma and adverse early life experience and there is support available to help in terms of therapeutic intervention such as attachment therapy and life story work, which is invaluable and available to adoptive families via your post-adoption social worker.
‘Parenting adopted children is different and there can be added complications, so make sure you get the support you need. It is out there so shout for it. Thrive, not just survive.’
Now, four years on since the children came home, they are a very happy family.
Clare adds: ‘Our children have come on leaps and bounds since they came to us, they have adopted us and are super keen to absorb as many people as possible into our family love bubble – we liken them to Star Trek’s The Borg – you will be assimilated, resistance is futile!
‘They are 100% our children, no doubt about it. My son gave me a hug the other day, smiled and said to me that he wished he’d come out of my tummy, I felt tremendously privileged and thought I must be doing something right!
‘We are in constant awe of their bravery and resilience. They’re truly inspirational. I saw two posters the other day one that read: “Welcome to our beautiful chaos” and the other: “Our family is one tent away from a full-blown circus”. I laughed out loud and thought, yep, that’s us and we love it.’
You can hear more about Gareth and Clare’s adoption journey in the National Adoption Service’s new podcast, Truth Be Told: adoption stories. Listen to the latest episode here.
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Adoption Month
Adoption Month is a month-long series covering all aspects of adoption.
For the next four weeks, which includes National Adoption Week from October 14-19, we will be speaking to people who have been affected by adoption in some way, from those who chose to welcome someone else's child into their family to others who were that child.
We'll also be talking to experts in the field and answering as many questions as possible associated with adoption, as well as offering invaluable advice along the way.
If you have a story to tell or want to share any of your own advice please do get in touch at adoptionstories@metro.co.uk.
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/10/26/we-couldnt-wait-to-have-a-big-family-so-we-adopted-three-kids-at-once-13474444/
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