It’s Adoption Month at Metro.co.uk, so we are discussing anything and everything to do with the process.
Perhaps one of the biggest things to think about as an adoptive parent is how to tell your child they are adopted, as well as when to do so.
It’s only natural not to know how to go about this. So, we’ve asked psychologists and developmental experts to share their thoughts on how to make the conversation as easy as possible, for both parents and children.
While it might seem like an overwhelming thought, it needn’t be. Here are some key things to keep in mind, as recommended by experts.
Tell them at an early age
Child development expert and psychologist Dr. Amanda Gummer says: ‘Adoptive parents can find it difficult to talk to their children about the fact that they were adopted. The general rule is the earlier the better.’
If a child is told in simple, age-appropriate ways from the moment they are adopted, it means there won’t be a defining moment where they find out. Instead, they will simply grow up knowing this is the case and it will be more natural and easy for them to understand.
Dr. Amanda Gumme adds: ‘The issue only really arises for children who were adopted before they were two, as older children will have memories of a previous home(s). A lot of families have baby photos around the house and having a photo of the day the baby arrived can be a really natural way to introduce the topic of adoption.’
Having photos around a family home can be a great way to show the child’s story – so they are familiar with it as they grow up.
It’s also important to discuss adoption with a child regularly, so it feels normal and that the topic can be easily approached.
Explain the reason
Keeping communication as honest as possible is also a really key element.
Dr John Simmonds, director of research, policy and development at CoramBAAF, says: ‘They also need to be told why they were adopted and some of this information may include addressing some really upsetting issues, for example “Why did my mum give me away?”, “Why did my dad hit me?”, “Who are my brothers or sisters?”
‘These issues may be helped or hindered by the experience of having contact with their former family members.
‘The importance of these issues being addressed throughout the child or adolescent’s development cannot be under-estimated.’
Better to do this earlier, too – albeit in an age appropriate way for the child. This prevents there being an huge revelations later in life.
Role play with toys
‘Role playing with children can be a good way to introduce the topic – playing families with play sets such as Playmobil or Sylvanian families gives you the opportunity to create different family groups and talk naturally about adoption,’ says Dr. Amanda Gummer.
This less intense method helps children understand in a visual way, which is easy for them to digest.
It also allows parents to create the scenario which is relevant to their child and can be helpful for explaining the reason why they are adopted in a more informal setting.
Use books
To help you with the process, there are a number of books designed to make the conversation a little easier for children to understand.
Dr Amanda says: ‘There are also lots of books available to help talk about it – choose one that suits the child’s age and literacy level.’
These can act as a starting point for parents and they can address any questions their children might have in a relaxed environment.
Have a ‘family day’ as well as their actual birthday
If you adopt a child from a young age then having a special day every year where the family celebrates their adoption is a great idea.
It not only makes them feel special but also shows that their adoption is something to celebrate.
Dr Amanda Gummer says: ‘You can have a celebration of “Family day” as well as their actual birthday and that can be an annual celebration of when you became a family.’
A mother's experience...
Suzie Stanton, author of We Made A Wish, shares with Metro.co.uk how she went about explaining to her daughter that she is adopted.
She says: ‘We don’t want our children to remember the day they were told they didn’t grow in my tummy because we want them to feel like it’s all they’ve ever known.
‘They’ll grow up knowing they have two families and as they get older, we hope the distinction between the two will fade and they’ll see us all as just family.
‘We started life story work with our eldest daughter when she was about three. Her nursery teacher was pregnant so it was a good time to introduce the concept that she didn’t grow in my tummy, but in our hearts. We went through her life story book, showing her the photos and gradually introducing that she has a tummy mummy and brothers and sisters who live with other families.
‘We’ve used the book off and on since then. She looks at it whenever she wants, and asks questions about things whenever they pop into her head. She knows we write to her birth family every year to tell them how her and her little sister are doing.
‘We’ll involve both children in this more as they get older. We’ll be starting to introduce everything to our youngest daughter soon. She’s two and we hope that both girls will be able to support and help each other understand their birth history as they learn more about it.’
MORE: I adopted siblings four years apart
MORE: When my children left home I decided to adopt
MORE: Adoption myths that could be stopping you from starting a family
Adoption Month
Adoption Month is a month-long series covering all aspects of adoption.
For the next four weeks, which includes National Adoption Week from October 14-19, we will be speaking to people who have been affected by adoption in some way, from those who chose to welcome someone else's child into their family to others who were that child.
We'll also be talking to experts in the field and answering as many questions as possible associated with adoption, as well as offering invaluable advice along the way.
If you have a story to tell or want to share any of your own advice please do get in touch at adoptionstories@metro.co.uk.
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/10/05/how-to-tell-your-child-they-are-adopted-13303523/
0 Comments