My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and sex has become quite repetitive.
Although we orgasm quickly, we both feel it could be more exciting. I suggested introducing sex toys and his suggestion was talking dirty, which I wasn’t expecting from him.
We also like the idea of dressing up but I’m stumped on sex talk so we’ve agreed to compromise and build up to it.
There are plenty of books on improving sex but I think my issue is a lack of confidence. How can I improve that?
Compromise means finding things you like doing together so if talking dirty doesn’t feel good, don’t do it.
‘Is it the “talking” or the “dirty” that bothers you?’ asks James McConnachie. ‘Because dirty can mean degrading, which some people get off on but it’s pretty specialised. I don’t remotely see sex as something dirty.’
We would even say that repeating insincere lines is the opposite of embodying sexual confidence, which is the ability to give and receive the emotions that come with intimacy.
‘When faced with a dirty talker, I assume they’ve watched too much porn or they want to pretend they’re in a porn movie,’ says Rupert Smith.
‘This is an unpopular view but I wonder if people hide behind kink, costumes and dirty talk as a way of avoiding being truly, vulnerably present to another human being.’
If you’re after consensual fun, there’s nothing wrong with sex without any sort of deep connection but within the context of a relationship, it’s a problem.
Since sexual confidence also requires trust and experience, which is best built up in small, safe steps, we suggest you focus on the talking and drop the dirty aspect. For instance, ‘I love it when you…’ is a fine way to start a sentence.
‘Telling someone what you want, what you like and how it feels is a great route to higher-level, more honest sex,’ says McConnachie.
It also sounds like you’re missing the long, slow, meander through the different stages of arousal, so try different ways of having sex.
‘Stop just before you climax so you can prolong the time you have together,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘The intimacy and freedom this longer process gives you may help you feel more fulfilled.’
Although sex toys are fun, they’re nothing more than props that help tell a story but aren’t the full story, she adds.
‘The most important thing to work on is the story of you,’ she says. ‘Who are you and what do you like about yourself? Sex will improve as you connect with what is unique about you.’
The experts
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Rupert Smith is the author of Interlude (Turnaround)
Do you have a question that needs answering?
Send your dilemmas to lisa.scott@metro.co.uk.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/10/30/sex-column-dirty-talk-confident-sex-toys-13506196/
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