I first met my girlfriend in an awful, sticky-floored nightclub during our first year at university.
Despite the knock-off Jägermeister and ill-fated carpets, we spotted each other while dancing to Kanye West’s Gold Digger. A less-than-impressive, drunken first kiss followed.
We didn’t see each other for a couple of months after that – she did her best to avoid me, out of embarrassment – until we ended up at the same house party, sheepishly making eye contact across the kitchen. It wasn’t exactly the classic start of a fairy-tale romance but the truth is, we became a couple very naturally.
She lived in the same block of flats as most of my mates so we saw each other every day. We bounced off each other instinctively, always laughing, never bored. When the time came to move back home for summer, we confessed that we loved each other.
We spent the next three years going between each other’s houses, before she and I moved in with another couple to complete a further year of studying. In total it was four years of cooking together, bingeing on Netflix, even helping the other one throw up after a night out. We essentially skipped the dating phase and went straight to weekend minibreaks.
It was almost seamless. Almost.
I was always aware that our relationship would never be that straightforward. My girlfriend’s parents are South Asian but moved to Britain before she was born and after the initial whirlwind, the subject of ‘meeting the parents’ soon came up.
I was happy for her to meet my family, who immediately welcomed her as I knew they would. Meeting hers was a bit more complicated.
The crux of it, she explained, was that her family might disown her for dating someone outside their culture. She’d seen her relatives’ disdaining looks and heard the hushed comments whenever anybody in her community married an ‘outsider’. My girlfriend was told she could marry whoever she wanted – as long as they shared the same background.
She wanted to be sure we were worth the risk before telling them, and to be able to stand on her own if the worst happened.
Even if her parents do accept me, we won’t be able to live together unless we’re married
It was a lot to take in at such a young age. I knew I loved her, but this was only ever her decision to make. I was just grateful that she believed we were worth fighting for. My only job was to help prove her right.
Over the course of our six-year relationship, she has had to hide a part of herself from her family. I couldn’t attend her graduation. I’ve missed out on countless family parties and the opportunity to build the same type of relationship that she has with my parents.
I’ve met her sister and her closest cousin – we’re even part of group chats – and I treat her sister like she’s my own but she was barely a teenager when we instructed her to keep our secret.
Even now, my girlfriend tells her parents that she’s ‘stopping at a friend’s’ whenever she comes to visit. Back at university, we managed to avoid unannounced drop-ins because they both worked seven days a week and never visited.
We talk about telling them every now and then but she needs her own place, true freedom and independence, before it happens – the logic being that, even if her parents do accept me, we won’t be able to live together unless we’re married. So she bids on houses while I plan a wedding and each time another house offer falls through, our future is delayed.
Meanwhile, the appearance that my girlfriend is single means that she receives marriage offers. So far she has managed to turn each one down but it’s at these times, more than any other, that we both feel the frustrated urge to announce ourselves to her parents and deal with the consequences.
For the last few years, I’ve worked in different cities, missing her and struggling to connect. I was made redundant during the pandemic, which is seemingly just another hurdle we have to pass. This has always been a race worth running, though.
Through being uncompromisingly honest with each other, and allowing ourselves to be completely vulnerable, our relationship has survived being a secret for so long
The years we spent living together at university were the best of my life. I’ve spent countless days wishing for a return to the domestic joy of eating cakes while watching Bake Off and shouting along to the radio on long drives.
It’s a type of happiness that I’ve not felt before or since. The memory of that tranquillity is the glimmer of brightness that has pushed through the dark clouds whenever they’ve loomed, giving me strength.
Equally, the secrecy that’s troubled our lives has also made us a stronger couple. Just as pressure makes diamonds, the relationship that we’ve formed feels unbreakable. Being able to live in our own bubble has given us a deep understanding of each other.
From the outset we’ve viewed our relationship as something long-term. Being aware of what’s at stake, learning to care for each other, and appreciating the other’s flaws has helped us create more stable foundations. Settling for anything less has never been an option.
Through being uncompromisingly honest with each other, and allowing ourselves to be completely vulnerable, our relationship has survived being a secret for so long.
Now however, aged 25, our friends are starting to buy houses, get engaged, and have kids. All of those are definitely in our future but trying to plan can feel like constantly treading water with the lights switched off.
My only hope is that, when the time comes, her parents can see that it has all been worth it.
Before I met my girlfriend, my idea of true love was limited to film clichés: big gestures and being there when it counts. I’ve since learned that it’s far more than that – it’s about finding the person you can truly call your best friend then creating your own idyllic world together.
Last week in Love, Or Something Like It: I cook to impress my dates – and to forget the ones that break my heart
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Love, Or Something Like It is a regular series for Metro.co.uk, covering everything from mating and dating to lust and loss, to find out what love is and how to find it in the present day. If you have a love story to share, email rosy.edwards@metro.co.uk
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/09/19/girlfriend-keeps-me-a-secret-because-i-am-white-13290241/
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