If you’ve agreed to get married, you probably think you know your partner pretty well.
But one woman’s list of 20 questions to ask before walking down the aisle has gone viral with many people picking up on some things they hadn’t considered.
Saag Jaan, 21, from California, was previously in an arranged engagement but it ended before the wedding and she wanted to share some of the things she learned.
She told Metro.co.uk: ‘I was arranged in an engagement when I was 19 years old, but that ended due to irreconcilable differences because of my lack of commitment, educational ambitions and personal values.
‘I included what I thought was important all from personal experience.’
Saag's thread in full
DONT GET MARRIED BEFORE: a thread
1. Talk about DEBT
2. FULLY and WILLINGLY committing to one another. No “im not sure” and “what if’s” and “its not the right time.” you are either in or you’re OUT.
3. When/how many kids yall want (adoption? are one of you infertile? etc.)
4. Talking about STDs. Get checked. Seek medical help/informed professional knowledge. Keep those tests up to date and find ways to do so even within the marriage.
5. Talk about your 5-10 year timeline regarding career/education. Can you move? Willingness to relocate? etc.
6. Levels of religiosity. Openness to growth? Lack Thereof? Do you share fundamental CORE beliefs about life? VERY important.
7. Anger managements issues: do one of you struggle? Are you in therapy for it/taking it out on others? Seek help, bc it will destruct you and the future and the children….
8. Energy. Does it match? you decide. Follow your gut
9. CLOTHING: it may seem like a small problem but small things eventually ADD up. Make sure your expectations MATCH one another to full comfort
10. Sexual compatibility. Not going to go into details, but yall need to be on the same playing field. Consent wise, willingness to try things, traumas, etc… figure it out.
11. Finances: how do you intend on splitting bills? Gender roles? Taking the parents in during old age? etc.
12. Age doesn’t matter too much. In my experience it’s about the person & what their world views are. If you are young, make sure the person you’re with will allow you to keep growing at your own pace and in your own way. It’s called respect.
13. Opposite gender boundaries. Set what’s okay. What’s not okay. Hugs/handshakes/etc. I know it sounds tribal & trust should be there but you’d be surprised what people’s boundaries are. Better to know than not know
14. Social media: believe it or not, people WILL break up over this. Some prefer privacy. Some not. Get on the same page or you’ll be clowning on one another.
15. I mentioned this before, but SAVINGS. How much do y’all have earned & combined? How much is your intended salaries? Is it sustainable? Apartment? House? Condos? Etc. speak futuristically if it’s not smthing u can afford right now. Get on the same page.
16. What is cheating? Entanglements? Define your breaks? Breakups? Etc.
17. Physical and verbal abuse: what is and isn’t considered abusive language and decorum? Seek help, please. Professionals can always step in.
18. What are your dying wishes? Burial proceedings? What if one of you becomes paralyzed? God parents? Uncertain events? Death? Speak it. Speak on all of it.
19. Importantly, LOVE is not what keeps relationships going. An active commitment to LOVE, despite the downfalls, keeps it going. Get out the princess-king happily ever after mindset and you’ll be fine
20. I want everyone to notice how I failed to mention level of education, family or tribal background, ethnicity, job level, & all. It’s because none of this matters in the long run. Trust. you ain’t a good person based off superficial attributes.
Saag covers everything from money to ethics to STDs and your five to 10 year career plan.
After posting the thread at the end of last month, people started to share it.
It now has over 220,000 likes and 61,000 retweets and comments.
Some commented saying they loved the list and they wanted to bookmark it for when it came to getting married.
One person said: ‘I seriously love this. You mentioned so many points that are beneficial to a relationship that so many people miss going over before getting married.’
Another said: ‘This is AMAZING advice !! Someone posted on a fb group I’m on and I came to find the full thread wow it’s a gold mine of information for singles.’
One response said: ‘As someone who’s been married for almost 16yrs your thread is sound and comprehensive.
‘Good to discuss all of these things keeping in mind perfect match is impossible and compromise is necessary – a wise thread from someone who looks young. Well done.’
But others weren’t so sure and called the thread a little reductive.
One tweet added:’Not to sound carefree or irresponsible, but checking on literally every single possible thing just to make sure everything goes right afterwards doesn’t guarantee you won’t have issues later on. Marriage has its own learning curve and teaches on-the-job. This isn’t a PhD thesis.’
Another person said they felt these were things most people would discuss anyway.
Her tweet said: ‘I do love this thread as is mentions many great points but surely people talk about half of these before even thinking of getting married? Like I wouldn’t even think of marrying my partner if I didn’t already know half of this stuff.’
But Saag pointed out that it might seem obvious but she felt it was important to flag it all and give people something to think about.
In response, she said: ‘A lot of times young people aren’t developed enough to talk about half the shit I mentioned. Sometimes within family and culture, women’s desires are not respected or even asked about. It’s important for both individuals to have full say and ownership of their title.’
Although the thread meant a lot to her, Saag wasn’t expecting the response she got.
She added: ‘I didn’t think it would blow up. I usually talk to the wall with my followers because my engagement is a huge part of my current identity.
‘My followers and I usually discuss it on the twitter platform as a healing mechanism. I had no idea people would resonate with my words of wisdom but I’m glad they can learn from my past experiences.’
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch at metrolifestyleteam@metro.co.uk.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/08/06/woman-goes-viral-list-20-questions-ask-partner-before-get-married-13089090/
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