When it comes to sex, people tend to focus on the good stuff: mind-blowing orgasms, positions, partners – that kind of thing.
However, the other side of sex (the complicated side) is just as important to talk about, such as sexual anxiety.
Does the thought of sex leave you with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach? You’re not alone in feeling this way.
Sexual anxiety or rather, anxiety around sex, is actually quite common.
To get more insight on techniques to tackle this issue, we talk to Dr Katherine Hertlein, a couples therapist and sex educator.
What is sexual anxiety?
Let’s start by defining what sexual anxiety actually is and what can cause it.
‘Anxiety associated with sex or sexual activity can be experienced by people of all ages in all sorts of relationships,’ says Dr Hertlein.
‘Whenever it happens and whoever it happens with, it’s often rooted in fear or discomfort of a sexual encounter.
‘Feeling anxious about sex can manifest in different ways, predominantly through symptoms of sexual dysfunction.
‘For example, those who suffer from sexual anxiety can report an inability to hold an erection (for men) or the inability to climax, even if you find your partner sexually appealing.
‘Sometimes it can also cause premature ejaculation or a disinterest in sex.’
Our bodies are controlled by our minds, so why someone becomes sexually anxious is very subjective.
There is no clear-cut answer, but often this relates to issues of intimacy with can be linked to body image, low sexual confidence (feeling like you can’t please the other person in bed) and loss of libido.
Stress often plays a big part, too – when your thoughts are focused elsewhere, it’s difficult to stay in the moment and just enjoy your, and someone else’s, body.
If you’re in a relationship, this can cause pressure to perform or provide sex on a regular basis, even if you don’t feel like it.
Subsequently, you might feel anxious around your partner.
Dr Hertlein adds: ‘Sexual problems can also be the result of an underlying medical condition, relationship factors, power struggles, fears, mood disorders and other mental health issues, cultural or religious factors, a side effect if you’re taking certain medications, or lots of other things.’
It can be incredibly frustrating or nerve-wracking when every sexually-loaded moment comes with a pang of anxiety, but don’t worry – there are ways to cope with it.
To help you along, Dr Hertlein, who also works as an advisor for Blueheart, a sex therapy app, shares a few techniques.
Improve your lifestyle
Stress is often the catalyst for negative behaviour.
In other words, the more stressed you are, the more likely you are to not look after yourself.
To counteract these feelings, focus on changing your lifestyle for the better.
Dr Hertlein says: ‘Our life events can sometimes cause us to feel stressed or anxious, leaving our minds running even when we’re trying to relax.
‘You might experience stress or anxiety because of something that happened at work, an argument with your family, or perhaps something else.
‘Unfortunately, we cannot always take the stress out of our lives, but you can make lifestyle changes to help with how you deal with them.
‘Some topline advice is to make sure you’re getting the advised seven to eight hours sleep every night, having a healthy balanced diet, and regular exercise, even if it’s just an hour of walking per day.
‘These lifestyle changes sound simple but they enable us to put our best selves forward to deal with whatever the day throws at us.’
Try anxiety-reduction techniques
OK, so you’re eating more vegetables and going for a run every day, but it’s not doing the trick. What next?
Try anxiety-reduction techniques.
Dr Hertlein says: ‘The goal here is to move away from focusing on the anxiety around our body and sex.
‘General anxiety-reduction strategies include mindfulness, breathing, and getting grounded.
‘There are many resources, books, and apps that can help you to become more grounded and less anxious, especially if you stick with them for a period of time.’
If traditional routes – meditation, yoga etc. – aren’t working, find something unique to you that might help, whether that’s baking, gardening or having a cup of coffee in the park at lunch every day.
Take the pressure off
By taking sex off the table, you might find that your anxiety naturally lessens.
Dr Hertlein says: ‘Try to move away from making sex a goal-oriented experience.
‘ It’s about taking your time, enjoying each other and finding intimacy and connection.
‘Not only will this take the pressure off of yourself and your partner, but it’s also a chance to learn what you find sensual.
‘Think of it as a blank slate and a chance to explore what you enjoy without the time pressure or end goal.’
Talk to your partner
It can be difficult to open up about sexual anxiety, but doing so could actually be key to overcoming it.
Dr Hertlein says: ‘Anxiety in your relationship is likely not a comfortable thing, but it may be helpful to talk to your partner about your anxieties, especially if your initial reaction is to avoid sex.
‘This will help them understand what you’re experiencing so you can work through it together.
‘The more clarity and communication you have around the topic, the easier it will be for you to both work through it.’
If none of these techniques work (or you are worried that medication is the cause of the sexual anxiety) have a chat with your GP.
They might tweak your meds, refer you to a therapist or offer alternative solutions.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
Do you have a story you’d like to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/08/28/sex-therapist-reveals-techniques-use-suffer-sexual-anxiety-13190697/
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