As I was mindlessly scrolling through social media this week, desperately searching for something positive to keep my mind off the state of the world, I stumbled upon a story that really lifted my spirits.
It was a video of Jennifer Lopez talking about her ‘nibling’ (a gender-neutral term to replace ‘niece’ or ‘nephew’), Brendon Scholl, a young non-binary person who has made a beautiful and timely film about their journey to family acceptance and what it’s like to be transgender today.
As a non-binary person myself, I am always thrilled to see people have the opportunity to come out and be themselves – let alone get support from someone as influential as J-Lo.
To hear her use they/them pronouns, as well as the word nibling, with such confidence and ease, is a huge step – not just for Brendon but for anyone who is non-binary.
It proves that having a loving and supportive family is possible. I have no doubt that it will help non-binary people feel seen and affirmed.
Unfortunately, not everyone has that level of acceptance from their relatives.
Language is a huge part of gender identity – and transitioning.
I’ve often struggled with finding words to describe myself in the English language, in particular when it comes down to relationships or family.
Most of these words available are incredibly gendered, i.e. girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, mum, dad.
They are intrinsically connected to being a man or a woman, so it was particularly great to hear Jennifer use nibling.
In the past few years, I’ve been fortunate enough to have my life enriched by three little nephews. When the first one was born, my sister-in-law wanted to know how to refer to me and my partner, Fox – who is also non-binary – when talking about us.
‘Aunkie/onkie’ and ‘unty/untie’ are perhaps the most common gender neutral familial terms, so we settled for either of those.
Having words like that has a significant impact on those of us who are non-binary and need words to be able to describe how we feel accurately.
To us, and to our family, they have never been a problem to use – but society isn’t always as open to new phrases.
When I first got together with Fox, we made a video where we talked about what to call each other. The clip was shared by a troll on a public hate forum, and resulted in over 6,000 comments of vitriol – showing us that we still have such a long way to go in terms of acceptance and understanding.
In the end we decided to call each other ‘partner’, but since then we’ve heard some pretty good suggestions such as ‘theyfriend’ and ‘baefriend’.
Gendered language isn’t just used to describe those you’re close to, but many jobs too. Terms like ‘fireman’ and ‘postman’ seem to suggest that only men can hold these positions – something we all know not to be true.
Thankfully, society has evolved and we are now using terms such as ‘fire officer’, ‘fire woman’ or ‘post delivery person’. It shows us that language can change and accommodate more people, so why shouldn’t we afford the same to non-binary people?
Our language is constantly evolving, and non-binary people getting a chance to describe themselves in a way that they relate to can only be a positive thing.
My mother-tongue is Icelandic, which is way more gendered than English is. Not only do we have male and female pronouns, but nouns are gendered, and all adjectives take a specific ending depending on who they’re referring to.
Despite this, Iceland has made important headway on gender-neutral language. It has introduced pronouns such as ‘hán’ and adapted adjectives to be gender-neutral. This has been hugely important for me, and means that I can continue using Icelandic to describe who I am. In English, this is even less of an issue.
Adding more options to language doesn’t mean that gendered terms are being replaced by gender-neutral ones entirely – it means that non-binary people are finally being included in conversations that impact them. People can still be themselves, whatever that means, and we should afford that to everyone.
So before you brush this off and complain it’s too complicated to use certain names, pronouns or terms, put yourselves in the shoes of the person you’re thinking of. All they want is to be seen and recognised as who they really are.
Transgender people already face discrimination and violence at disproportinate levels in almost all areas of their lives – you having to make a bit of an effort to use different words to refer to them really isn’t a big deal at all.
In the end, you’ll have a much stronger and whole relationship with that person, and they’ll know that you respect them and are compassionate towards who they are and what they’re going through.
Like Brendon, transgender people as a whole just want people to show kindness and understanding. It might require a little forward-thinking at times, but the results are a better, kinder and more equal society, where everyone is recognised and supported.
That’s the type of society that I want my nephews to grow up in, and I know that it’s the same for most people in this country. We all want a more open and free world, where everyone has the chance to live their life to the fullest.
All we have to do is try.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk
Share your views in the comments below.
MORE: Using gender-neutral language benefits everyone, not just non-binary people
MORE: Can we have gender equality if we’re still using gendered language every day?
MORE: I love reading transgender conspiracy theories – because they’re just so ridiculous
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/08/26/jennifer-lopez-gender-neutral-language-nibling-13177707/
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