Baby Reau Singh-Okasili is over two months old but she still hasn’t met her grandparents.
Born on 22 March, the day before lockdown was introduced, her extended family have had to stay away to keep her safe.
When her mum Kay fell pregnant, this wasn’t what she imagined. Instead her family can only see her milestones through FaceTime.
Kay, 28, from Manchester, says it has affected her mental health and she is worried about the impact this time will have on the whole family.
Across the UK, Grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings and even parents having been missing out on seeing little ones grow.
Others have missed big birthdays and sadly, some haven’t been able to say goodbye to loved ones who have passed away.
But on the other side of the coin, people are spending more time than ever before with the family members they chose to isolate with and that also has difficulties.
Going forward, experts say that the impact of some families being separated while others being forced together will leave a long-lasting sense of trauma.
Missing big moments
Speaking about Reau’s first few months in isolation, Kay explains: ‘It’s been difficult.
‘We have been able to keep in touch with them all as she grows with daily updates and milestone pictures.
‘But I do worry about her bonding with her wider family – we are all very close and it seems as though the opportunity for her to build relationships has been put on hold.
‘She is still very young and I worry that by the time we are back to normal she will be at an age which will take time to develop a bond with her grandparents and other family. Will FaceTime be enough?
‘I have often felt desolate thinking how I have been unable to share these early days with our closest loved ones and show her off. That’s all you want to do when you have a new baby, let the world see them. She is growing into her character each day and it saddens me that it is all behind closed doors.’
Other families agree that missing out on these moments have had a huge impact of their mental health during this time.
Christine Earle’s youngest grandchild was born during lockdown but she hasn’t been able to see any of her four other grandkids during this time, even though they all live nearby.
Christine Earle: ‘Etta was born during lockdown and we haven’t met her properly. We’re hoping to be able to sit in the garden from a distance with her but we don’t know when we will be able to cuddle her.
‘We’re missed all the grandchildren during this time and we have seen them on Zoom but it is not the same.
‘I do worry about how it might impact us and for them it is hard to understand. I know we all have to do it to stay safe but it has been difficult to be apart from them.’
Ammanda Major, Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice at Relate, explains that this is something that could continue to affect families even after the pandemic ends.
She tells Metro.co.uk: ‘There is a sense of loss there for families who have been apart. Often grandparents would see a new baby as soon as possible, but during the pandemic, they will have missed out on that initial bonding.
‘In the grand scheme of things, lockdown hasn’t been for a really long time but it’s understanding to feel that sense of loss for not being able to connect with a grandchild in those early days, or for families missing important celebrations together.
‘It is important to talk about that and your feelings around that going forward.
‘The fundamental thing is that there is a loss, about which, you know, that experience may go on to torment people and some people will have been traumatised by that. I don’t think that’s too strong a word to use. I think we’re going to be looking at a lot of trauma-based issues for people coming out of this for all sorts of reasons.’
Grieving families
Over 40,000 people in the UK have died from coronavirus during the pandemic, while many others have been seriously ill.
Many other people have died from completely unrelated conditions but families have been unable to say goodbye or have a proper funeral because of the restrictions.
Ammanda adds: ‘People died alone, whether that be from coronavirus or something else.
‘Families were not able to be there, hold their loved one’s hand and tell them they love them. Funerals were restricted and many people weren’t able to attend because they were isolating.
‘With that comes a sense of guilt for families. Even though it couldn’t be helped, it doesn’t stop people feeling terribly guilty and have regrets about those situations.’
Tensions amplified
For families that are together, being around each other all the time can bring underlying tensions to the surface.
Reports from China suggest a rise in divorce rates following the lifting of lockdown and law firms in the UK have said that they are preparing for a similar trend here.
But tensions aren’t always between couples – it may be older children struggling with parents, or problems with adult siblings.
Ammanda explains: ‘For lots of families, there will be a realisation that the covid experience has exposed the problems in family relationships.
There will be a realisation that the covid experience has exposed the problems in family relationships.
‘A normal thing that families do where there is a conflict with each other is create space, that might be naturally occurring space like going out of the home to work, or going to school or going to college or going out with mates or just drifting around the shops.
‘All of those things are ways that we create distance, which helps us to cope with difficulties in relationships. People haven’t been able to do that and things are magnified.
‘There will be questions about how they deal with those. People will need to think about how to have those conversations in the best possible way that makes sure that nobody kind of feels blamed or, or sort of emotionally isolated by them.
‘Coming out of this, people will need to talk about what they have noticed and what changes they want to make.’
For some, that may be something as simple as reorganising the morning routine but for others, this experience will have meant a complete reassessment of their family situation and what they want going forward.
Family roles
With home, work and school environments being merged together into one space, the roles that families were used to may have become slightly muddled.
Families have had limited access to childcare and are at home with their children all the time.
Many are trying to balance homeschooling while continuing to work.
But research shows that it is still often women who are carrying out the bulk of childcare and housework.
A study by the Institute of Fiscal Studies and UCL Institute of Education which asked 3,500 opposite gender families about their experiences between 29 April and 15 May, found that:
- Mothers are more likely than fathers to have left paid work since February.
- Among mothers and fathers who are still in paid work, mothers have seen a bigger proportional reduction in hours of work than fathers.
- Among those doing paid work at home, mothers are more likely than fathers to be spending their work hours simultaneously trying to care for children.
Alison Andrew, a Senior Research Economist at IFS, said: ‘Mothers are more likely than fathers to have moved out of paid work since the start of lockdown. They have reduced their working hours more than fathers even if they are still working and they experience more interruptions while they work from home than fathers, particularly due to caring for children.
‘Together these factors mean that mothers now are only doing a third of the uninterrupted paid-work hours that fathers are. A risk is that the lockdown leads to a further increase in the gender wage gap.’
Mothers are doing more of the childcare but the study also highlighted that fathers are doing more childcare than before and it may encourage them to keep this up going forward.
Sonya Krutikova, a Deputy Research Director at IFS, said: ‘Fathers, on average, are doing nearly double the hours of childcare they were doing prior to the crisis.
‘This may bring about changes in the attitudes of fathers, mothers, children and employers about the role of fathers in meeting family needs for childcare and domestic work during the working week. It may serve as an impetus for a more equal sharing of childcare and housework between mothers and fathers after lockdown ends.’
Homeschooling
Although teaching kids at home has been stressful for many parents, it has helped get them more involved with their kids’ education.
Many children who might struggle in a classroom environment have been able to learn in a different way with the support of their parents at home.
According to Emma Davidson, co-director of Centre for Research on Families and Relationships, this can be positive moving forward.
‘Children will have benefited from closer care and intimacy with their parents and carers
She says: ‘I think in the circumstances many families will come out into the new ‘normal’ (whatever that may be) the same, or indeed better than before.
‘Children will have benefited from closer care and intimacy with their parents and carers.
‘Many children, especially younger age groups where the stress of exams and futures is not so pressing, will have experienced greater flexibility in how and when to learn, and parents will have a better insight into that learning process too.’
Coming together
With some, particularly older and vulnerable, family members facing weeks inside, there has been a sense of coming together to help those who need it.
With busy lives slowing down, people have had time and are more aware of checking in on these people, even though they may not be able to do it in person.
In an Office of National Statistics survey published on 5 June, 86.9% of those over 70 said that they were keeping in touch with family and friends remotely and it was helping them cope during lockdown.
Ammanda, from Relate, adds: ‘There has been that as a positive for some families as they speak more to each other and I hope that that is something that we can take forward from this but we will wait and see what happens when life gets busier again.’
The Office of National Statistics survey also gave a sense of how communities are coming together to support those who do not have family nearby to help.
50% of people over 70 strongly agreed that their community would support them if they needed help and a further 30.5% said they somewhat agree.
For those with health conditions, 41.8% strongly agreed their community would help them and 27.5%.
In this sense, neighbours are coming together, getting to know each other and giving support to those who need it, creating a wider sense of connection beyond just those within their household.
Lower income families
Emma Davidson highlights that the CRFR is particularly concerned about the impact of the pandemic on lower income families.
The economic effects of the lockdown mean that we are expecting to see more people struggling financially, even when restrictions are lifted.
Emma explains: ‘Our greatest concern within CRFR – and where our research will focus in the future – is on the inequity of this pandemic.
‘It will, to a much greater extent, be middle class families that will fit the oft repeated mantra “we will get through this together”.
‘Like the programme of austerity that preceded it, middle families are more likely to have the capital – economic, social and cultural – necessary for navigating the worst effects of the lockdown.
‘As I wrote on our blog “More affluent households typically have larger houses and gardens, better access to the internet and technology, and greater social and digital capital through which to access practical and emotional support (on-line deliveries, home-based exercise, home school resources). So, while some households are enjoying Waitrose home deliveries, the functioning of our society continues to be reliant on the lowest-paid workers who are not only unable to quarantine themselves, but are also less likely to have secure employment or stable housing”.
‘Already, there is a growing body of evidence that shows that many families are already struggling to meet their financial commitments, with levels of poverty likely to increase significantly without government intervention.’
What comes next?
Parents, kids, couples, and grandparents, have had their relationship dynamics changing completely overnight and after months of lockdown and restrictions, this will have a long term impact.
For some, there is that loss as a cherished loved one has died and they have been unable to grieve in the way we all expect.
For others, they might not have faced a death but they feel a sense of loss for the time and events they had planned and missed out on as a family during this time.
Being together has also amplified tensions and coming out of this intense period, many families with have difficulties to work through and some might find that those conflicts will never heal.
Going forward, families need to work together to understand how to process everything they have learnt from this unique time and address any of the problems that this experience has highlighted.
Although there may be some positive elements for some families, many will have an ongoing sense of trauma and loss that they need to work through together.
What Comes Next?
After months of strict lockdown measures, isolation and anxiety - we're beginning to look to the future.
What will life look like when we emerge into our new normal?
Can things ever be the same as they were? Do we even want them to be the same?
What Comes Next is our series of in-depth features unpicking the possibilities for the future.
Every day for two weeks, we will look at the future of work, dating, mental health, friendships, money, travel, and all the other elements that make up our existence.
Our lives have been turned upside down, but change doesn't always have to be a bad thing.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/06/11/what-comes-next-apart-will-have-lasting-trauma-family-relationships-12803410/
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