With IRL dating and sex with people who don’t live in your household not currently a possibility, the ability to sext (that’s sexy messaging, all you cool cats and kittens) is all the more important.
Dates over video chat and long drawn-out phone calls are all well and good, but eventually in the world of romantic relationships, you’ll want to make things sexual.
That’s where sexting comes in.
But the art of turning someone on through messaged words alone doesn’t come easy to everyone. Sexting can feel awkward and uncomfortable, and it can be tough to find the right words.
Mia Sabat, a sex therapist at the audio-based intimate wellbeing app Emjoy, knows her way around a good sext, and so we’ve chatted with her to get the essential tips we all need to get started.
Start with consent
Last year we did a feature on whether you need to ask someone for their permission before you drop a nude into their DMs, and the general consensus was yes, you do.
This doesn’t need to be a formal arrangement that feels like a cold contract.
Mia recommends trying one of these phrases to ‘signal that you’re keen to spice things up a little, but also allow someone to easily say no without pressure’:
- Do you fancy a little dirty talk?
- Do you want to take this up a notch and give sexting a try?
- I love when you talk dirty to me – could we try it over text?
- Are you turned on right now? If you want, I’d love to hear more
Keep it relaxed and breezy, but do always make sure a person actually wants to get sexual before you send over sexy messages or images.
And if your partner doesn’t fancy it, respect their ‘no’.
‘Unsolicited dirty texts (or even worse – sexual images) might seem funny to some, but make no mistake – they are offensive, upsetting and can even be classed as harassment,’ says Mia. ‘Avoiding them is the best way to keep yourself and any prospective partners happy and safe.’
Establish ground rules
Before you get going, it’s worth chatting through what you’re both comfortable with.
Mia suggests asking some questions: ‘Are you going to share pictures or videos? If so, how suggestive or explicit will they be? Are you comfortable incorporating toys? Will you allow your partner to tell you what to do or how to touch yourself? What platform are comfortable sexting on, and does it protect your privacy? Do you want to explore more wild or vivid fantasies? Where is your line with dirty talk – do you like to be called names, and if so, what is on, and off, limits?
‘Before moving forward, make sure you’re on the same page to ensure you both have the most enjoyable and pleasurable experience possible.’
Again, don’t stress about this being a super rigid checklist – just a few brief questions to make sure everyone’s comfortable will make a world of difference.
Plus, once you know everyone’s personal boundaries, you can get on with sexting without worrying your messages may be poorly received, getting rid of a lot of nerves.
Keep it simple
Trust us, you don’t need to get too poetic. Sometimes simple is best – especially if you’re feeling a bit uncertain.
Mia recommends: ‘Tell your partner what you wish you could do with them: where you want to stroke or lick them, how you want to touch their body, how you want them to touch themselves. You can also ask them to do the same.
‘Alternatively, you can narrate what you’re doing to yourself, how your body is responding, and what you’re wishing they could do, if they were there with you.
‘You can also try exploring fantasies that you’ve long-dreamt of sharing with your partner – just be sure they’re comfortable exploring them, too. Ultimately, don’t be afraid to vocalise your wants, needs and desires. This is an intimate experience for you to enjoy together, so leave your inhibitions at the door.’
Use the phrase ‘I want…’ as a starting point. What do you want to do? What would you do if you were together right at this moment?
Don’t force it
This ties into keeping it simple, but if you’re someone who experiences a full-body cringe at certain sex-related terms (pussy, for example, which makes many people shudder) or tone, you don’t have to use those words.
Don’t force yourself to take on a smut-filled persona if that feels deeply unnatural. And don’t worry about your words being perfectly written – it’s not important and if your partner is going to judge your sentence structure, they don’t really deserve the joy of a nice sext.
‘Just express yourself comfortably, in a way that feels sexy and exciting to you,’ says Mia. ‘If you’re uncomfortable with using more explicit words, establish terms that you and your S/O like to use when getting intimate.
‘Like all forms of intimacy, sexting is at its best when communication is clear and carefree.’
Go slow and be responsive
Tune into how your partner is responding to your sexts and respond based on their responses. This is supposed to be an interactive conversation, not a monologue with one person loving life while the other one grimaces at their phone screen.
Respect those boundaries you discussed earlier and make sure you’re thinking of your partner’s pleasure and turn-ons, not just saying whatever you want to get yourself off.
Mia advises: ‘If you have agreed to incorporate raunchier dirty talk into your sexting session, it’s best to start off slowly, rather than jumping right into the deep end.
‘Like any sexual experience, it’s important to understand and cultivate a positive connection between the two of you while sexting.
‘Know your audience, ask questions to help bring them up to your wavelength and let them decide what they would, or would not, like to engage with.
‘Asking questions like: “Are you naughty or nice?”, “Do you like it soft, dirty or hard?” or even simply stating “I’m wet/hard/horny” can help you gauge the context to see if it’s best to pursue the topic, or simply play it off and move on to something the both of you find stimulating.’
Have fun
This whole sexting thing is supposed to be fun – if it’s filling you with anxiety and dread, you don’t have to do it.
Anyone you’re sexting with should want you to enjoy the experience, too, so shouldn’t make you feel judged or uncomfortable. Relax into it and try to have fun without worrying whether you’re doing sexting ‘right’.
‘Remember that sexting is primarily a tool to help you and your partner build intimacy and enjoy a positive, fulfilling sexual experience together,’ Mia adds.
‘Don’t get too caught up on figuring out the perfect thing to say, or even in executing every detail of each others’ fantasies. It’s okay to fumble, be spontaneous and keep things fun and light!
‘Once you are on the same wavelength, see where the conversation goes and focus on pleasure, exploration, and desire. The best sexting sessions will come out of excitement – so lie back, relax, and have fun with it.’
MORE: How to have great video sex
MORE: What you need to know about safely sending nudes
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/06/10/how-sexting-game-make-dirty-talk-feel-less-awkward-12832336/
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