For those of us in lockdown with our romantic partners – in each others’ pockets every second of the day – things are probably getting a bit intense at this point.
Now that we haven’t been able to see our friends, families or colleagues in the flesh for weeks, you might find that you’re turning to your partner to fulfill all of those needs.
But the different relationships in our lives serve different purposes. Your other half can’t replace everything you would usually get from a wide and varied social circle.
Maybe your best friends provide an outlet to discuss funny stories from nights out, maybe your mum is who you talk to about work problems – you can’t expect one person to do all of these different things for you.
So, it’s no wonder that some couples are struggling to define these boundaries now that they are spending all their time together – cut off from everyone else.
Amy*, 30, says she keeps getting mad at her boyfriend of four years because she is expecting him to act like her friends.
‘I keep suggesting fun things like cocktail evenings, and getting dressed up, or having a dance around the living room. But he just doesn’t want to do any of those things,’ Amy tells Metro.co.uk.
‘It’s frustrating because I feel like I’ve lost a big element of fun from my life. We’ve actually had arguments about it.’
Amy says she realises what she’s asking of her boyfriend are things she would normally do with her friends. But she isn’t sure how to stop feeling like she needs him to provide this for her.
‘It’s funny, because in life before coronavirus, we didn’t really do nights out together – it just wasn’t our vibe at all. Which was completely fine,’ she says.
‘All of a sudden I feel like I need him to be this different person who wants to down cocktails with me and dance around to 90s pop songs – when that was never who he was.
‘I guess I need to remember that he never used to do that with me, so I shouldn’t expect it from him now. But it’s difficult.’
Psychologist and life coach Lee Chambers says the ‘pressure cooker’ of lockdown is definitely contributing to relationship changes.
He says underlying anxiety, coupled with the restrictions on what we can do, our power of choice and autonomy in the few things we can becomes magnified.
‘That increases our expectation of our partner to provide a level of social support, as we are unable to access friends and family in the same way,’ says Lee.
‘This is also prevalent with working from home, as your workplace frustration that was normally reserved for your fellow employees, is gradually vented to your partner, who is unlikely to be as aware of your roles challenges.’
Lee says we get different levels of social support from different relationships, but the change of our normal routine can lead us to burden our partners with more worries and frustration.
‘We are not as empathetic when we are feeling that pressure, and we can become critical of each other, which dampens our intimacy,’ he explains. ‘This in turn causes us to become more defensive, and likely passive aggressive, further fueling tensions.’
This is something James, 27, has experienced with his partner. He says his boyfriend has a stressful job – which has only become more stressful since lockdown – and James is expected to shoulder a lot of that.
‘It’s understandable that he is going through stress, and I obviously want to help him as much as I can – but there’s only so much I can actually do,’ says James.
‘I don’t know how his company works, but he has been off-loading on me every night about all these intricate details, people I have never met, problems I don’t even understand.
‘It’s actually quite draining.
‘Before lockdown, I think all of these frustrations were vented with his colleagues – in the pub after work, or just in the office during the day. Now, he seems to need all of that from me – and I’m not sure I can give him what he needs.’
Lee says that it all comes down to communication. As with so many relationship problems, it stems from not being crystal clear with each other.
‘Part of making sure we communicate where our boundaries are is to talk and build a routine where you ensure you are navigating this crisis as lovers, not just friends,’ he explains.
‘Make an effort to communicate positives, praise and be careful of language that suggests they need to change.
‘Own your own feelings, and let your partner communicate theirs. Listen to each other without thinking what your going to say next.
‘Make sure you are both singing from the same sheet on how to approach your life at the moment.’
Expecting your partner to provide you with the same level of support you normally get from your friends and family isn’t feasible or fair on them.
It’s a sure-fire way to set yourself up for disappointment, and to make your other half feel inadequate.
Instead, think about what you do get from your partner – and what you provide for them. Figure out what else you need and where you normally get it, maybe it means giving a friend, colleague or family member a call before immediately turning to your partner.
‘One of the most important elements of a healthy relationship is individuation,’ explains agony aunt and psychotherapist, Lucy Beresford.
‘This is where you can survive as an independent person without needing to collapse into your partner for support or survival. They have not been put on this planet to solely meet our needs.’
Lucy says if we package up all the ways our friends or family help or nourish us, and drop it all into the lap of our partner, it is too much of a burden.
‘They can resent us, or lose interest in us for being too needy,’ she says. ‘We must never expect our partner to complete us or rescue us. We are complete already.
Lucy has some really practical tips for setting boundaries with your other half, and limiting how much you need them to support you.
‘Agree time limits when discussing certain topics,’ she suggests.
‘When your partner is talking or venting to you, put down other distractions so that you are fully present – but also keep to the agreed time limit.’
She suggests that if you’re living together, and have the space, identify a part of the home that is your sanctuary and a part which is theirs.
‘Be scrupulous about maintaining that physical boundary of having somewhere to go that is just for the two of you individually,’ she says.
‘Also, encourage them to maintain contact with people outside of your couple, by putting in the diary some weekly meetings, whether by phone, video calls or now, at 2-metres distance.’
Lucy says it’s important to strike the right balance between being sympathetic and sticking to the ground-rules that you set.
‘You are doing your partner a great service in the long run, encouraging them to develop resilience, and to not see you as the single constant prop,’ she says.
‘Sit down and talk about how you still love and admire them, but that boundaries are important – especially at a time like lockdown when our fears can make us regress and become needy.’
Ultimately it’s about listening to your partners needs and listening to your own needs.
When you understand the different types of support that you need to function right now, then you can figure out ways to get that support that don’t have to include your partner.
A romantic relationship should add to your life, but it shouldn’t be the only thing keeping you afloat. If you find yourself relying on your partner too heavily – speak to someone.
It’s important to develop strategies and coping mechanisms outside of your relationship.
‘Having space to breathe and develop resilience is also vital,’ says Lucy.
‘It’s important to maintain not just independent interests but also to maintain your external support circle.’
MORE: TikToker goes viral for ingenious tutorial on milking a cucumber to remove bitter taste
MORE: You can book this online male strip show for your Zoom hen do
MORE: Practical ways to help a friend who’s struggling in lockdown
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/05/15/relying-partners-needs-lockdown-taking-toll-12708150/
0 Comments