I waited nine years to come out as bisexual. I can’t say a lot of people were surprised – and I’d already had enough years of falling for best friends and idolising Megan Fox to know I wasn’t heterosexual long before that.
But it wasn’t until I was 21, had met a girl I liked and possessed a firm friendship group of university mates that I decided to be open about my sexuality.
I’ve had both girlfriends and boyfriends since and I’m incredibly comfortable with who I am. While my sexual identity is important to me, it’s not something that defines me.
Yet after getting into a relationship with a man, the most common question I’ve been asked is: ‘So are you straight now?’
I’ve had an old family friend ask whether I’m over the ‘girl phase’ at the supermarket, because they’ve seen my boyfriend on social media.
I’ve listened to one of my oldest and closest friends say they always knew I’d turn out straight and that they really like my boyfriend – as if that’s supposed to be a compliment.
They may seem like small comments but each one reduces my sexuality to the gender of the person I’m with. It’s almost as if coming out as bi was irrelevant – my identity is completely erased because I happen to have a boyfriend.
‘Coming out’ is often portrayed as a big, dramatic, emotional talk – one that only happens once. In reality, it can be numerous conversations on a daily basis and when you’re bi with an opposite-sex partner, it can be incredibly emotionally draining and disheartening.
I realise there is privilege in being perceived as heterosexual, and that I benefit from this by being with a cisgender, heterosexual man. ‘Passing’ allows me to be open in my relationships without feeling the threat of a judgemental gaze – or worse.
One in five LGBT people have experienced a hate crime or incident because of their sexual orientation and/or gender identity in the last 12 months. A 2019 report from LGBT domestic abuse charity Galop revealed that one in 10 people still think that LGBT people are ‘dangerous’ to other people and could be ‘cured’.
Since being with my boyfriend, I haven’t been asked once about what exactly we do in the bedroom and what I constitute as sex – something my male acquaintances seemed super interested in when I was with a girl. Turning up at my local pub in my hometown over Christmas, I don’t really want to discuss whether scissoring is a ‘real thing’ with the boy I sat next to in my year nine maths class.
We don’t get mistaken for siblings, before it clicks that we’re in a relationship – and I don’t get asked if I think I am going to end up marrying someone of the opposite sex, like I did when I was with women.
Once, after introducing a girl I’d been casually dating to my flatmates over coffee, one turned to me in front of her and actually said: ‘But you’re going to marry a man, right?’
Heterosexuality is so heavily ingrained in our social conscious as the dominant, default sexual identify, that whenever I am with a man, I feel like my bisexuality is erased.
I am very conscious, too, that bisexuality is often stereotyped as an attention-seeking phase, or a stepping stone to becoming gay – but there is so much more to it. I find something so special and beautiful in being able to connect and fall in love with people regardless of their sex. It’s connected me with a community that’s so open and accepting.
Coming out is hard enough without having to explain your sexuality every time you have a new partner.
I feel proud of how I identify and sensitively asking questions if you don’t understand something about someone’s sexuality is a way to better educate yourself. You’d never ask a straight acquaintance what they do with their partner in bed, or whether their relationship is ‘real’ – so don’t do it to me.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/02/12/bisexual-identity-erased-every-time-boyfriend-12206033/
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