Erin* froze her eggs at 40 when she hadn’t found the right partner to have children. When she defrosted them 4 years later, she found the eggs she froze had been poor quality and only half survived. She had a subsequent fresh egg round of IVF resulted in a pregnancy – and a miscarriage. Now 46, she’s accepted she will never have a biological child. She tells her story to Suzanne Bearne.
I’ve always known I’d like to have children but I also wanted to enjoy life. I never really understood the point of rushing to have kids. I assumed all the media reports about women failing to fall pregnant in their late 30s and early 40s were a lot of hysteria, really. I wanted to wait until I felt financially secure and had met the right person.
When I was 40, I was still single and felt that I should freeze my eggs. It cost me £5,000 – money I didn’t have – so I had to put in on my credit card. Four years later, I still hadn’t met anyone but I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t try to have a baby, even if I was doing it on my own.
I chose to go down the IVF route with a sperm donor. I opted for a more expensive clinic than the one I’d frozen my eggs at as I wanted a clinic with a higher success rate. As part of the process, I had to pick a donor, which is quite a crazy thing to get your head around – that you’re going to have a baby with someone you don’t know. I opted to go through a US sperm clinic as they offered a better selection of donors. It’s a bit like online dating, you picking a potential donor from a profile. You see a picture of them now and also as a kid. They are mostly 20-year old guys.
The clinic was very good; they encouraged me to pick someone I thought I might get on with and who has similar hobbies and interests. I chose a middle class guy with a university education who seemed to have similar interests to me such as reading and art.
The costs were horrific, though. I try not to think about it. It’s actually crazy to think you could go have a baby with a stranger for free through a one night stand to paying £5,000 on egg freezing and another £25,000 on IVF with a sperm donor. I had to take out a loan to pay for it.
I was convinced IVF would work but I was told immediately that the eggs I had frozen were of poor quality. I had 15 eggs thawed and lost half through the process.
I was convinced that IVF would work. But when I started the process, I was told immediately that the eggs were of poor quality. I had about 15 eggs thawed and lost half through the process. When I did a fresh egg harvest at 45, the embryos they made were of better quality. It did lead to a pregnancy but unfortunately I miscarried at eight weeks. It was an emotional and difficult time. The clinic said it was common for women of my age to miscarry but still, I felt they weren’t very sympathetic to what I’d gone through.
I was really upset that it was the end of the road. They did suggest another round of egg harvesting but the chances of success were very low. When I was younger I didn’t want to use my valuable eggs to make embryos with a random stranger but if I had done so that might have had a higher success rate. Now I’d also run out of money. I felt it would be like throwing money away. If I had spare funds maybe I would have put myself through it but it’s such a gruelling process.
It’s been 18 months since I miscarried. I was against using an egg donor but I’m open to it now as I have reconciled myself to not having a child that is biologically mine. I feel it’s still possible to have a connection with a baby you grow inside of you. I guess it’s that route or nothing. I don’t feel a massive rush to go through the process just yet because what is another two years when you’d already be an older parent? But I want to stabilise my life a bit. I’m just going through some renovations at home and so it’d feel a bit too much to go through a pregnancy at the same time.
Throughout the process my friends have been supportive. I didn’t mention anything to my family as I didn’t want all that extra stress and pressure. I’ve gone through those years of my parents wanting grandchildren and they’ve now accepted that’s not going to happen. I was also selective about who I told. I didn’t want any negative comments about being a single or older parent.
I do feel some pangs of upset when I see pregnant women and young families. It’s something I still need to process and in the end, if I don’t have children, I know I’ll be ok. I’ve still got my own life and money to live a full life without children. I haven’t really put myself out there in terms of dating but if someone asks me I’ll go. But honestly, I’m kind of sick of online dating and not that bothered about making a huge effort.
Given what I’ve gone through, my advice to women who’d like to have children would be to freeze your eggs as soon as you can and to go through several cycles of egg freezing to increase your success rate. And, if you are already sure you will use a sperm donor, go through that process and freeze embryos rather than eggs – then you’ll have a better idea of what you’re dealing with.
I just feel it’s just so unfair on women. They are forced to think about their fertility in their 20s and 30s before you’re even perhaps feel ready to even think about having children.
*Name changed to protect privacy
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/02/11/im-single-and-have-spent-30000-on-trying-to-have-a-baby-12216281/
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