Polyamory can be a difficult area to navigate.
If you’re not familiar with the term, let us explain: it relates to a scenario where people are in multiple romantic relationships, with all parties aware of what’s going on and having agreed to it.
In other words, you’re not cheating, but you have more than one serious partner.
Once a hush-hush topic never to be discussed in public, this is now more widely accepted. Though there isn’t much research around it; one study in 2016 revealed that one in five people in the US have been involved in consensual non-monogamy (which is different to polyamory in that you might not necessarily be in love with your other partners) at some point in their life.
If you’ve been playing with the idea of an open relationship or feel that you are polyamorous, tread with caution when bringing this up to your other half.
To help you start what could become an awkward conversation (but hopefully one with a happy ending), here’s a handy guide on what to say, when to say it and what to do if your partner reacts negatively to the idea.
How to tell your partner that you want an open relationship
First, be absolutely sure that you want to do this.
Polyamory works for a lot of people, but mentioning your desires about this to your partner could change the dynamic of your relationship, so don’t blurt it out after a few drinks in the pub or use it as an excuse to enjoy threesomes (that’s a completely different conversation).
And take some time to think about why you want a polyamorous relationship – and if you want emotional connections with other people, as well as physical (or purely want to sleep with other people, which isn’t the same thing).
Clinical and counselling psychologist, Dr Martina Paglia, recommends waiting for the right moment, when you are both in a good mood and the relationship is stable enough to handle the potentially explosive ‘can we date other people?’ question.
‘Start this conversation at a good time when both you and partner are feeling OK,’ she tells us.
‘Don’t start this conversation while having an argument, or when you or your partner are feeling nervous, worried, sad or frustrated over something, otherwise the situation may escalate and get out of control.
‘As a result, you will likely achieve emotional disconnection and misunderstandings rather than what you actually aimed for.’
But… where to start?
‘Sweetheart (or use a pet name), I have something to tell you,’ is how Duchess Iphie, a relationship, sex and intimacy coach recommends that you start the conversation.
‘I love you very much but I have been exploring the idea of us being in an open relationship. This is not because you are not enough, but I want to explore my desires outside the confines of monogamous relationship.
‘I know this may have come as a shock to you but I have been dropping subtle hints. Can you tell me what you think?’
(If you haven’t been dropping hints, obviously don’t say that).
This is an intimate chat, so have it in private, and be prepared to give your partner some time to take in what you’ve said.
You can’t force someone to react in a way that you’d prefer, so let them react just as they do – and then wait for them to reply.
‘If your partner becomes angry, let them have their say and give them time,’ adds Duchess.
‘Just let them know that you will give them time to digest what you have said and would appreciate it if you can both discuss it when they calm down. If they say no, then ask why they have said no and have a discussion.
‘The discussion is for both of you to understand each others view points further and reach some sort of understanding of what happens next.’
What to do if you regret asking your partner for an open relationship
Sadly, once the words have been uttered, you can’t take them back (like we said earlier, be sure that this is what you want before you bring it up).
If your other half takes it very badly, step away from the situation and take a breather.
Dr Paglia says: ‘Talk about it, be flexible and approachable, try to understand their point of view.
‘Romantic relationships are often about being able to negotiate on what can work for both. If your partner gets angry, take a time out – do not continue to engage in a conversation at that time – as we often say things we don’t really mean when we are angry and so this can escalate quickly and may damage your relationship.
‘Take a break, and go back to this conversation in a calm and relaxed manner once your partner has calmed down.’
‘If you regret asking it, go back to the topic and share your new thoughts with your partner. It’s OK to have second thoughts on something and it’s crucial you have an open and honest conversation about it.’
If the answer is yes, however, and you’re both happy to move forward with the idea, don’t jump in head-first.
Talking about sharing each other and actually doing it are two very different experiences, so it’s a good idea to make some rules on what you’re OK with and what you’d rather not do.
Discuss whether you want to be each other’s primary partner, if there are any particular days/times/holidays/other events where you absolutely don’t want the other person to be with someone else (birthdays or Christmas, perhaps).
Do you want to meet each other’s partners before another relationship begins? Do you want to share a partner together?
There are a lot of areas to talk about, and you might find it useful to write the rules down, so that they are fixed on paper (or not – do whatever works best for you as a couple).
On the other hand, if the answer is a clear resounding no, there are alternatives that you could explore.
For instance, you could double-date or if you’d prefer to have an consenual non-monogamous relationship, and have sex with others but not relationships, that might work as a compromise.
Alternatively, if all you’re really looking for is to spice up your relationship, why not visit a sex club or a sensual dinner event, where you can both enjoy other people and each other at the same time?
Be honest and communicate your wants and needs.
As Duchess says: ‘Most importantly and regardless of the outcome, a discussion must be had to gain clarity on the next phase of your relationship.’
MORE: Another man creates billboard to find a date after Mark Rofe had thousands of applications
MORE: Can condoms protect you from coronavirus during sex?
MORE: Get your dick pics ready, the penis gallery is returning to London
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/02/28/tell-partner-want-open-relationship-12321867/?ITO=squid
0 Comments