It’s really easy to take a cynical approach when it comes to Valentine’s Day.
This man-made, Hallmark holiday is nothing but a consumerist scam. And you don’t need to spend £100 on a dinner and wilting roses to prove your love, right?
A lot of that is true, sure – but whatever your views on the origins of V Day, surely it can also just be used as an excuse to show your other half some love and spend some quality time together?
This gets even more important when you’re in a long-term relationship.
The longer you’re with someone, the easier it is to take each other for granted – and that’s when the passion can start to fizzle, and you can start to drift.
But, relationship expert, psychologist and therapist, Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, thinks that planning a perfect Valentine’s Day date can actually make your long-term relationship stronger.
She has given us her top five tips for a perfect date to make even the most jaded and cynical of partners melt into a puddle of romantic goo:
Think outside the box
‘Plan a novelty experience,’ suggests Dr Kalanit. ‘In a long-term relationship, you’ve probably exhausted the dinner and a movie date option.
‘Think about a time when you were more adventurous and look for high-energy, fun activities that create an exciting shift in energy.’
She says this is a fantastic option for active people in particular.
‘But even if you’re not – the bonding hormones can kick in with a joint activity,’ she explains. ‘For the adventurous ones, research shows that when we feel fear and excitement we often fancy the person we do it with.’
Think from your partner’s point of view
This tip is all about being selfless and really thinking about your partner’s needs and desires.
‘We often give to others what we would like to receive ourselves, but the key to a meaningful gift is to plan something you know your partner will really appreciate,’ says Dr Kalanit.
‘And if you’re not sure, it’s ok to ask the other person before assuming (in a subtle way of course).’
She says opening up these kinds of conversations can bring a couple much closer together.
‘You might be more sociable than your partner who prefers something more intimate,’ she continues. ‘You may want to go away as a couple for the weekend, but your partner would prefer a physical gift to open.’
Start noticing little hints or nudges from your other half – if they say something telling, jot it in your Notes app so you don’t forget.
Commit to growth and development
‘If things aren’t going smoothly in your relationship, use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity for growth and development, rather than a symbolic one-off event,’ suggests Dr Kalanit.
‘There are some great relationship workshops out there that can be game-changers for couples who aren’t sure where to start.
‘For instance, the Imago educational weekend for couples, or my “Ready For Love” online courses for couples at all different stages.’
She also suggests books that include exercises you can do by yourself – Getting The Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix and Hellen Lukkely-Hunt, or Hot Monogamy by Pat Love, are good places to start.
‘Committing yourself to a process that will rejuvenate your relationship – you might just fall in love with your partner all over again,’ she says.
Look for a gift with meaning
A gift can be so much more than something that will make your partner happy for a few minutes. Carefully choosing something bespoke and meaningful can make your other half feel really seen and appreciated.
‘Think about your relationship and ask yourself if there are any pieces missing,’ says Dr Kalanit. ‘Use what you come up with to guide you in the direction of a gift with meaning.
‘For instance, if you feel that you take each other for granted, make a list of all the things you love and appreciate about your partner, and be passionate about it. Include all aspects of your life: career, finance, physicality, intimacy, parenthood, social life and so on.
‘On the morning of Valentine’s Day, share the list with them, and you can both start the day feeling positive and full of love and appreciation.’ We love this idea.
Fun, fun, fun
It’s easy for long-term relationships to have the fun sucked out of them.
Whether you’re preoccupied with childcare, bills or daily chores – loads of couples forget just how important it is to laugh and be silly together.
‘In my experience as a couples therapist, I can tell you one thing for sure; in long-term relationships, couples rarely have the right balance between shared responsibilities and fun/romance,’ says Dr Kalanit.
‘Having fun not only serves you by creating a ground on which to flourish and overcome challenging times, but it is the essence of who we are.’
Dr Kalanit says the joyfulness of relationships can be dulled by daily stresses and responsibilities – so many of us think that we don’t have time for fun.
‘It’s not about finding the time,’ she explains. ‘It’s about being mindful and prioritising, and you can find opportunities for this throughout every day.
‘Something as small as welcoming your partner home at the end of the day with a level of over-excitement, as if you hadn’t seen them for a week, can help bring back the feeling of excitement and lust you felt at the start of the relationship.’
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/02/07/plan-valentines-date-will-actually-make-relationship-stronger-12199395/
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