When I first got together with my partner, Nick, we were both divorced and while I didn’t have children, he had two daughters, who he clearly doted on.
Trying to forge a relationship when there are children involved is difficult. It certainly doesn’t help that we are surrounded by so many negative references to step-parents – especially step-mothers.
Wicked and evil are words often used to describe us and it’s something Fearne Cotton rightly kicked off about on Twitter recently. She’s been a step-mum to her husband Jesse Wood’s children for nine years, in which time the couple have added to their blended family with their own two children. When an author came to her son’s school and read a new novel that featured an evil step-mother, Fearne said enough was enough.
I feel the same.
When I was first introduced to Nick’s daughters 13 years ago, there was a lot of apprehension.
What if Ellie, 10 and Amelia, eight, didn’t like me? What if they tried to turn their dad against me? Like most people, I’d heard horror stories about spiteful ex-wives and bratty step-children, but I also knew that Nick adored his girls and although it was never said – I wouldn’t be able to come between them. I wouldn’t have ever wanted to either.
I met the girls in a local Nandos and I remember feeling sick with nerves. I asked Nick what we’d do if they didn’t like me. He reassured me it would be fine and that no matter what he wouldn’t be going anywhere, but we both knew that wasn’t true.
An author visited my sons school this week to read a new novel where once again the step mother featured as an evil character. Isn’t it about time we represented step parents in children’s fiction in a more positive way. I’ve been a step mum for 9 years now…
— fearne cotton (@Fearnecotton) February 1, 2020
While Ellie and Amelia were understandably quiet over lunch, they were lovely. Ellie has since admitted she was determined not to like me and felt quite disappointed that she couldn’t stop herself.
It helped that they were young. I knew I couldn’t try and be their friend and I also knew I could never be their mum.
That didn’t stop it from being terrifying, though, when I first met the girls’ mother, Nicole, as we dropped them back home. I’d expected her to be bitchy towards me, sceptical of our relationship – but she was neither. Instead, she came running over to introduce herself with a big smile. Needless to say, she was as lovely as her children.
It was like there was an unwritten rule that no matter what had gone on between Nick and her, the children were clearly the most important thing in the world to them and were not to be brought into arguments or used as pawns – this still applies.
Ever since that day, I’ve felt like part of their team, not an unwanted outsider. Nicole always included me in any decisions or questions around the girls, such as which GCSEs to take or chats about boyfriends.
Nick has also always backed me up if I needed to speak to the girls about their behaviour or manners – not that it happened often to be fair.
Initially, I was frightened of chastising them in case they kicked off and told me they hated me, but at the same time I knew I had to be the grown up and stand my ground. Thankfully, they never reacted horrendously when I told them off and always took it as well as they could.
In 2012, I got breast cancer. I remember being stood in a supermarket queue and asking the girls if they would still stand with me like this when I lost my hair. Amelia admitted that she’d feel a bit embarrassed, which Ellie gave her a kick for. Later, Amelia apologised, but I told her I’d always rather her be honest and feel like she could talk to me openly about anything.
When the day came and my hair fell out, Amelia told me I looked beautiful. Then she added that it brought out my eyes – something I knew her mum must have told her to say!
In that moment, I knew our family would be okay. They didn’t sign up for this but without prompting the girls helped me through all stages.
I have since been diagnosed with a further condition caused by the cancer that affects my balance and my step-daughters are superb. They look out for me, as on the face of it you can’t tell I’m disabled. So on trains or buses they fight my corner when I’m being jostled. Ellie has even designed a badge to wear, so people know to give up their seat for me as I’d never dare ask.
I am so very lucky to have such lovely step-children and they also say they feel equally fortunate. They’ve admitted that they did wonder if I might try and turn Nick against them or acted jealously of their mum and make things difficult. But Nicole and I have become such good friends over the years – some days I speak to her more than Nick does.
Admittedly, it hasn’t all been easy. Sometimes things could get heated with the girls – especially when they were teenagers. It was hard to know whether they were just being stroppy due to hormones or whether it was a genuine reaction to something I may have thoughtlessly said or done. I certainly think that when they’re not your children you do have to be more considerate of the consequences before just jumping in.
But we’ve also learned not to be afraid to say sorry, something that has stood us in good stead.
As a blended family, I think we’ve got it right. A lot of it stems from keeping the children out of any arguments and making sure we respect each other. But it’s also because from day one, we refused to buy into or fall into any step-family stereotypes.
I imagine we’re far from being the only ones, which makes it all the more sad that society still paints step-families in such a negative way, as for so many of us, it really couldn’t be further from the truth.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/02/06/calling-stepmothers-wicked-is-lazy-ignorant-12194607/
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