When Courtney Nokes met Blaine at a bible convention, they quickly fell in love.
Courtney was 16 and Blaine 18 but they had lots in common including a religious upbringing.
As their relationship grew, they agreed that they both wanted to wait until they were married to have sex.
But the couple had no idea that it would be well after their fifth wedding anniversary before they were able to have penetrative sex because Courtney has a rare condition called vaginismus, where the muscles in the vagina involuntarily tighten up when anything is inserted.
Courtney, now 26, from Texas, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Though my religion does encourage sex only within the confines of marriage, I was never forced to believe a certain way and my parents were never overly strict. I chose to remain a virgin until marriage because that’s what I wanted to do.
‘My husband was also a virgin, so when we couldn’t make it work, I just assumed that it was because we didn’t know what we were doing and we would figure it out. Weeks went by though, and I knew something was wrong.’
Before trying to have sex, Courtney had noticed that it was difficult to insert anything into her vagina, particularly tampons, but she didn’t think much of it.
She says: ‘It made me squeamish to think of anything going in there. I did try on a few occasions to insert a tampon so I could swim while on my period, once even having my mom insert it for me. It was pretty traumatic.
‘Once I even had my younger (by a decade) cousin trying to coach me on how to get it in.
‘But I never thought that it would mean I wouldn’t be able to have intercourse in the future.’
Blaine and Courtney got engaged in July 2013 and started planning for their wedding on 26 April 2014.
As well as planning for the ceremony and making a commitment to each other, the couple planned that after saying their vows, they would have sex together for the first time.
‘When our wedding approached, I was ready and though nervous, I was excited and determined to take that step,’ Courtney says
But on the night, they found they weren’t able to have penetrative sex.
Courtney adds: ‘We chalked it up to both being so inexperienced that we had no idea what we were doing, plus being exhausted.
‘I remember actually speaking to my mom on my honeymoon and telling her we still hadn’t been able to “do it” all the way, but I was sure we were just still figuring it out.
‘We continued to try almost nightly for a month before I really started getting worried something more was going on.’
Courtney went to see her doctor who she says just told her to take an anti-anxiety tablet before having sex, but it made no difference.
A few weeks later, while searching online for answers, Courtney came across the term vaginismus and realised it fitted with what she was experiencing.
She found a specialist doctor but unfortunately, there was a six-month waiting list so while waiting for her appointment, she ordered a home treatment kit containing different sizes of dilators – tube-shaped devices used to stretch the vagina by inserting them and moving them around – but she says it took a lot of work to insert even the smallest one.
Eventually, she saw the specialist doctor, who referred her to sex therapy and physical therapy. Unfortunately, Courtney found the physical therapy difficult and it put her off getting further help.
‘Initially, I really felt motivated by my appointments and optimistic that it would help,’ she says.
What is vaginismus?
According to the NHS, the condition is the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration.
If you try penetration with any object, the vaginal muscles tighten up.
People with the condition have no control over it.
It usually happens before you have penetrative sex but you can get vaginismus even if you have previously enjoyed painless penetrative sex.
Vaginismus does not necessarily affect your ability to get aroused and enjoy other types of sexual contact.
‘But around my third appointment or so, I was still very sensitive to having her examine me internally. She just seemed to get exasperated and said she didn’t know if there was much more she could do since I still couldn’t stand her being inside.
‘I was really taken aback because I felt like I was making some progress at least, however slow. But she hadn’t given me any coping mechanisms, nothing to ease the discomfort.
‘She was really just reinforcing my condition by putting me through the internal exams without giving me a way to make it easier on me.’
For the four years that followed, Courtney continued to struggle with her condition and she was reluctant to try more treatment. Now several years into her marriage, she and Blaine had still not had penetrative sex.
She adds: ‘At first, it was surprising to me that it actually bothered me more than it did my husband.
‘I thought, as a guy, he would really be upset about not being able to do that but he always said that he didn’t know what he was missing.
‘I was able to do other things for him intimately, but unfortunately, my fears extended to even being touched down there. So for five years, I really didn’t get anything in the way of sexual pleasure from him, through no fault of his.
‘I started to have a problem myself with pornography and masturbation, trying to feel all those things I thought I was supposed to be doing as a married woman. I got in my head a lot, always thinking about how others were able to when I couldn’t, and feeling guilty about taking matters into my own hands and not having that intimacy with my husband.
‘But all along, we stayed strong in our emotional relationship. He was always very supportive, never pressuring or impatient. And because it became something we had to overcome and get through together, we believe it made our relationship so much stronger.’
Last March, a month before their fifth wedding anniversary, Courtney found a Facebook support group for people with vaginismus. After seeing how other people were overcoming the condition, she decided she wanted to try treatment again.
She says: ‘We started really wanting a baby a couple of years ago, and we knew I needed to address this first.
‘My old doctor was no longer on my insurance and the only other doctor I could find was booked until May. I started trying to dilate again on my own with pretty little success.
‘I found the original vaginismus support group and I was blown away to find out there were so many others suffering from this condition.
‘Through the group, I was able to find a pelvic floor physical therapist who worked out of her home in my area.
‘I also decided to purchase a set of silicone dilators, which turned out to be so much more comfortable than my hard plastic ones.’
A few weeks later, she saw the therapist for the first time, which was a huge turning point.
Courtney says: ‘My PT was wonderful but when she tried to do her first exam, I tensed up so much. She barely touched the outer rim of my entrance and I almost passed out.
‘She suggested I buy Releveum brand 4% lidocaine aloe cream. The lidocaine totally dulled the burning and pain sensations so that I could put the dilators in and move around and poke around and hit the muscles but only feel pressure which told my brain it was okay.’
She also taught Courtney breathing techniques to help her relax and slowly she started to make progress.
‘By the following week I was able to let her do her exam with the lidocaine and breathing, and get D3 in,’ she says.
‘She then told me to go home and keep practicing and also to massage my upper and inner leg muscles, and she would see me again after my gyno appt.’
Courtney’s original doctor’s appointment was cancelled but her insurance changed and she was able to see her old doctor in late May.
She says: ‘In the meantime, I got all the way to D6 and half of D7, always using the lidocaine and a vibrator, with deep breathing.
‘During that time my husband always was in the room to help me, washing my dilators and holding something for me. I got him to start removing the dilators, and then graduated to him moving them in and out slowly for me.
‘My gyno appt came around and she was just amazing. She let me use my lidocaine and dilate while she left the room for a few minutes with no rush at all. Then she let me use my vibrator and insert the speculum myself.
‘She was able to complete a full pelvic exam and pap smear and said I had progressed 10000000% since last time. I just wasn’t mentally ready for treatment before, I guess.’
The gynaecologist recommended a new vaginal Valium compound and some CBD lube to help her make more progress.
With those and everything that she had learned, Courtney and Blaine were able to have sex for the first time.
She says: ‘It was uncomfortable at first and took a lot of focus for me to relax, so it wasn’t especially romantic or intimate, but I got through it and it was not painful, and became pleasurable by the end.
‘It has brought us closer. When we finally had intercourse, my husband said he felt close to me in a way he never had before. To have our bodies literally connect and work together and be in sync like that was really something special.
‘It’s helped me to become more intimate in our relationship and enjoy that aspect of our marriage in a way I never could before.’
Since then, the couple has continued to have sex and work on what is comfortable for Courtney.
She says: ‘I still have to use lidocaine cream and a vibrator when inserting anything. My therapist was able to do a full exam without those things, so we know I’m capable of doing it without, but I’m much more comfortable and it’s easier with those things.
‘I also have to dilate before intercourse, to kind of stretch things out so it doesn’t feel so uncomfortable for something that big to go in. We have tried other positions besides my standard “dilating” position where I’m on my back and totally relaxed, but haven’t quite gotten the hang of it.
‘This past month I was able to use light flow tampons successfully, so that was a big step for me.’
They want to have a baby but falling pregnant is more difficult because Courtney also has polycystic ovary syndrome – a common condition that affects how a woman’s ovaries work.
She says: ‘It is proving harder than expected because I have PCOS and I don’t ovulate regularly.
What is polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
The 3 main features of PCOS are:
- irregular periods – which means your ovaries do not regularly release eggs (ovulation)
- excess androgen – high levels of “male” hormones in your body, which may cause physical signs such as excess facial or body hair
- polycystic ovaries – your ovaries become enlarged and contain many fluid-filled sacs (follicles) that surround the eggs (but despite the name, you do not actually have cysts if you have PCOS)
If you have at least 2 of these features, you may be diagnosed with PCOS.
‘I’ve been having fertility treatments done, which includes getting vaginal ultrasounds. I’ve gotten through three of those so far, varying in comfort level from not bad at all to extremely uncomfortable.’
Courtney has helped to set up a smaller support group for people with vaginismus on Facebook and feels it is important to have somewhere for people to talk about the condition.
She wants to speak out about it because so many people struggle to open up around topics like sex and periods but it means they don’t get the help they need.
She says: ‘Most women don’t discuss this with anyone other than their spouse.
‘We’ve always been told the first time is painful, so when it continues to be uncomfortable, we just accept it and assume that’s how it is for everyone.
‘So many women likely go YEARS without even knowing what they are dealing with is an actual condition, something treatable that other people deal with that is not normal.
‘Sex does not have to be painful or uncomfortable and it definitely isn’t supposed to be. Using tampons and having pelvic exams should not be this hard or this scary or this uncomfortable or impossible.
‘This needs to be something that women can talk openly about without it being TMI. And more
‘Every doctor who treats women should know what vaginismus is, know that it is a real condition, and know how to treat it. “Just relax” “Use more lube” “Drink some wine” are not acceptable answers that should be given by a medical professional.’
Do you have a story about living with a rare condition? Let us know at metrolifestyleteam@metro.co.uk.
MORE: Woman who hasn’t had sex due to painful vaginismus gives birth naturally
MORE: Having vaginismus does not mean the end of your sex life – and you are not alone
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/01/23/woman-waits-five-years-sex-husband-rare-condition-vaginismus-made-vagina-seize-12110145/
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