A few days ago, a woman shared a relationship dilemma on Reddit.
She revealed that her husband’s parents had given him a photo album for Christmas, which was filled with photos from his life (so far, so nice) including several photos of his ex-girlfriend (not as nice).
OK, group shots might have been acceptable – but there was even a portrait photo of his ex.
The woman didn’t make a fuss at the time, but later regretted not having raised her concerns, and asked others on the online forum whether she should talk to her her husband’s parents about their peculiar gift.
Most of us want to maintain a good relationship with our in-laws, so it makes sense that we avoid rocking the boat for fear of what might happen if we do.
This dynamic is fragile, but not speaking up could also cause problems, especially if your significant other’s parents are constantly talking about how much they liked his or her ex.
So, what should you do?
What to do if your partner’s parents can’t stop gushing about his or her ex
While it might be difficult, you need to respect that they have a relationship with the ex – especially if they were in each other’s lives a long time or if there are children involved, explains Dr Becky Spelman.
‘It can be very difficult to cope if you have a partner whose parents can’t seem to let go of their relationship with his or her ex,’ the psychologist and clinical director of Private Therapy Clinic, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘Your partner has moved on, but their parents haven’t! So, how are you supposed to cope with this situation?
‘Up to a point, you need to accept that the relationship they had with your partner’s ex is separate to the relationship they have with your partner. It is OK for them to miss someone who used to be in their lives a lot more than now, and it is OK for them to still have feelings of fondness and affection towards them.
‘If your partner and his ex had children together, then your partner’s ex is – and always will be – a member of their extended family, and this is a reality that you are just going to have to deal with.
‘Remember that, when they talk positively about your partner’s ex, they are trying to remain on good terms with one of their grandchildren’s parents.’
That being said, this doesn’t mean you have to put up with anything they throw your way.
You are now a part of their lives and they should respect this.
Becky adds: ‘However, it is not fair of your partner’s parents to continuously talk in glowing terms about their ex in front of you.
‘They may not mean to have a negative impact on you, but the result is likely to be that you will feel as though you are being compared and found lacking.
‘You may feel less loved and less appreciated.’
Any friction between you and the parents could also cause problems in your relationship with your partner, so it’s important to tread carefully.
Lara Asprey, who runs a matchmaking agency, believes that how you proceed depends on the severity of the situation – and that the best thing to do is to talk to your partner about it, and for them to raise the issue.
‘If your partner’s parents do relentlessly gush about how well she cooked, or that time she bought them the most amazing Christmas present, the best thing you can do is to smile politely and ignore them,’ she tells us.
‘It’s not something you need to raise directly with them, it’s something you need to talk to your partner about when you are alone.
‘Pull him aside and explain that their comments make you feel uncomfortable and undervalued, and that his parents should want him to be happy.
‘Don’t ask him why he thinks they do this, but work on the solution to making them stop.
‘Explain that you understand they thought highly of her but in time, perhaps they too could grow close in a different way. Tell him that you would really like the opportunity to be a part of their lives too and ask him to support that.
‘He should in turn, explain this to his parents, which will only make you come off respectful and tolerant. After all, they may well be testing the boundaries with you too to see how you react.’
Dr Spelman also recommends being patient – but says that if this doesn’t make things better, then it’s better to tackle the problem head-on.
In other words: stand your ground and demand respect for yourself.
‘Firstly, be positive. It takes time to build a relationship,’ she says.
‘If your relationship with your partner is relatively new, you probably do not know their parents very well yet. Look on this tricky situation as an opportunity to develop your own relationship with them.’
‘Secondly, if the situation persists, rather than letting things come to a head, wait for a calm moment to say something along the lines of “I know that [partner’s ex] had a really good relationship with you, and I’m glad their split hasn’t caused hard feelings for you, but I wonder if you could try not to talk about him/her too much when I’m around because I’d love to have a close relationship with you too and I worry that you’ll never be as fond of me.
‘Before having this potentially tricky conversation, get your partner onside to support you in a manner that is patient, kind, and non-confrontational.’
Hopefully, your partner will have parents who take this feedback on board and stop gushing about his ex in front of you.
And while you’re dealing with this delicate situation, remember that you do not need to live up to whatever expectations they have of you.
Develop your own relationship with them, don’t try to copy what they had with the ex or force a relationship on yourself that you don’t want to have with them.
As Dr Spelman says: ‘You are not in a contest with your partner’s ex.
‘Your partner has moved on; they love you, and there is room in their parents’ hearts for both you and their ex.’
Above all, remember that it’s OK not to love your in-laws, not everyone does, but you deserve to be respected and heard.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2020/01/03/partners-parents-wont-stop-gushing-ex-11975639/
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