When news broke of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry stepping down from their royal duties, many in their droves applauded the power move.
People commended the couple’s profound act of boundary setting against one of the most powerful institutions in the world, the monarchy.
Harry’s been a child of the spotlight and had to deal with public coverage of every milestone in his life. Since joining the royal family Meghan has been subject to a unique level of scrutiny.
But yesterday the couple said no more. In an Instagram announcement, they decided to set the ultimate boundary from their professional duties and do what’s best for them and their child.
To a lesser extent, we saw Pope Francis establish his boundaries when a fan grabbed him. Though he’s had to apologise for slapping the woman, it’s opened an interesting conversation about self-care and how people can feel entitled to our time and energy.
Despite these high profile figures having different ways to prioritise their own wellbeing, it’s important for the rest of us to remember that it’s okay to just say no.
For the sake of sound mental health, it might be time for some of us to follow Meghan and Harry’s example.
Because self-care, despite large corporations trying to capitalise on it, might be the most valuable concept we created in the past decade.
Relationship therapist Pam Custers, a relationship therapist tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Boundaries are the very thing that keeps our relationships healthy and maintains our sense of self.
‘Essentially we need to be clear about what we will or won’t accept.
‘Boundaries with our families help us to take care of ourselves in order to not be swept up into the dynamics that others create. To be in charge of our lives and “march to our own tune” and set limits.’
How to set boundaries
Pam says: ‘Firstly we have to become aware of ourselves. How we are being made to feel about ourselves by the actions of others. Once we become aware of how we feel, we can begin to notice if our boundaries are being crossed.
‘Secondly, saying it is ok to be bothered by something. It’s ok to want to change a situation. When we start talking or “naming” what it is that is bothering us rather than just an uneasiness then we are able to start deciding how to change things. We can do this by talking to a friend. therapist or even a journal.
‘Then start taking small steps to setting boundaries with family. These can be physical or psychological boundaries. This can be a challenge if we haven’t been taught healthy boundaries. But being clear about what we do or don’t want to accept from our families help us to make these boundaries. The secret is to do it without malice.
‘We can shift our boundaries without pushing people away or making them feel abandoned. The paradox is that when there are healthy boundaries then the relationship is put on a much happier footing for both concerned. The feelings of resentment or frustration are no longer there so this sets the relationship up for success. The way this is done is crucial and it is vital that it is done with everyone’s best interests at heart, and supports boundaries, not destroys them. ‘
But, as in the case of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, families tend to come with a set of expectations.
Due to proximity and blood-bound bond, we can be expected to offer unconditional love and support. This might make it feel like you can’t have boundaries with your family members – you’re one and the same, after all.
Dr. Elena Touroni, a consultant Psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, says it’s imperative to outline your limits.
She explains: ‘Boundaries protect our psychological wellbeing and ensure we don’t compromise our own emotional needs.
‘Family will always have expectations, so it’s about being able to manage those expectations whilst not losing sight of what really matters to you.
‘Ultimately, boundaries ensure that we’re always pursuing what is in line with our authentic self, instead of subjugating to the needs of others.’
That doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your compassion. You can be firm and direct without invalidating people’s feelings.
Dr Touroni adds: ‘It’s important to be clear that you’re not rejecting them and it’s not about not caring or not wanting to be close to that person
‘It’s very possible to still love someone and for them to be important to you, but for you to have other needs you want to pursue yourself.
‘It’s simply about being able to differentiate between what you need and what’s important to the other person.’
While ‘just do you’ might be an ageing mantra, it hasn’t lost its relevance in the new year.
In 2020, it’s time to reclaim our time, say no, and set the boundaries we need to stay sane.
MORE: As a woman of colour, I applaud Meghan for refusing to keep calm and carry on
MORE: Buckingham Palace says Meghan and Harry situation is ‘complicated’ as they quit royal life
MORE: I put off having kids until I got my mental health under control
source https://metro.co.uk/2020/01/09/2020-is-the-year-of-setting-boundaries-12030383/
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