The first time I said it, you could hear a pin drop. The new friends I’d been talking to stopped talking and put their coffee cups down, speechless.
‘But you’re not even 30 yet,’ one gasped.
I was 27 and a successful journalist writing for newspapers and magazines. I was usually so confident. So why did I now feel like a total pariah for what I had said?
What I’d said was: ‘I’m divorced.’
Even a few minutes later, these new friends were still giving me strange, sidelong glances.
Divorce was something I never thought I’d do – certainly not in my mid-20s.
I’d met my husband when I was young, aged 20, and we’d married when I was 25. He was a wonderful man but we soon realised we had been too young. Certainly, from my point of view, I realised he should have been a first long-term boyfriend, not a husband. Within 18 months of marriage, we were growing apart.
We divorced when I was 27. At first, it felt liberating. After all, no one judges women who get divorced nowadays, do they?
Wrong.
I hadn’t counted on the fact that, yes, divorce is now socially acceptable – but only after a certain age.
Divorcing in your 20s, it seemed, was not something to shout about.
The responses I got were varied.
Some longer term friends were totally supportive. But I found meeting newer people difficult because the moment anyone asked me about my marital status and I said I was divorced, people’s attitudes towards me changed.
A divorcee later in life is someone who’s tried in marriage, and perhaps failed after a valiant battle.
A divorcee in her 20s is seen as flighty, non-committal, perhaps even a serial man-eater.
‘Aren’t you embarrassed?’ one married woman asked me, looking vaguely disgusted.
Another joked that the word ‘divorcee’ made her think of Hollywood wives or ageing kept women, not a woman in her mid-20s.
Soon, I realised that what I’d done was labelling me. I was a ‘divorcee’ – no longer a woman in her prime. Instead of being taken at face value for my career ability, or kindness, or sense of humour, the moment that dreaded word came up, my label stuck.
I began not mentioning it, certainly not until I knew people better. I found that worked. People could get to know me first, before knowing that I was a young divorcee, and could know the real me before the label altered their judgement.
When I began another serious relationship – to the man who is now my second husband – even he joked, ‘Will I be divorce number two?’ He was only talking in jest, but what’s the saying about many a true word being spoken?
When I hit my 30s, many of my friends were marrying for the first time. I’d attend their weddings and feel like a much older, jaded person as I talked to other guests over the wedding breakfast.
‘Are you married?’ came the questions.
I’d tuck into my wedding starter lunch and pretend I hadn’t heard.
In 2009, I married Cornel. We recently celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.
It’s only been in recent years that I’ve no longer felt ashamed of my label. In fact, I can see the comic side now, and even tell people proudly that I was a young divorcee and joke about it.
I think two things have made that easier – the first is that as I’ve got older, I no longer feel divorce is something anyone should be ashamed to talk about, including young women.
And the second thing is, I no longer feel I’m also labelled as flighty or non-committal because, as a woman married for 10 years with two children, I’ve proven that that’s not me.
When I see other young women admitting they have got divorced, I want to pat them on the back and tell them to say it loud.
We now talk not of mistake marriages, but ‘starter’ marriages: ones where you marry a person perhaps naively and too young as a practice run for the real thing.
It’s not uncommon, either. According to ONS figures, 12,000 people in England and Wales who divorced in 2017 were in their 20s.
Now, if I have to refer to the fact I was divorced early in life, I don’t feel like mumbling or changing the subject.
My divorce early on meant I had time to meet my life partner and start again. Instead of feeling it was a flighty or embarrassing thing to do, I now feel it was brave.
Julie Cook’s book The Titanic and the City of Widows it Left Behind will be printed on March 30 2020 by Pen and Sword Books.
Labels
Labels is an exclusive series that hears from individuals who have been labelled – whether that be by society, a job title, or a diagnosis. Throughout the project, writers will share how having these words ascribed to them shaped their identity — positively or negatively — and what the label means to them.
If you would like to get involved please email jess.austin@metro.co.uk
MORE: My Label and Me: I have 10 children, but I refuse to let motherhood define me
MORE: My Label and Me: You may think I’m ‘loud’ but that won’t shut me up
MORE: My Label and Me: I became homeless at 24
source https://metro.co.uk/2019/12/19/my-label-and-me-i-got-married-and-divorced-before-i-turned-28-11757710/
0 Comments