In late 2018, I ‘did the splits’ at a hen do and had to be dragged off the dance floor like an injured manatee.
It was there, while lying in a darkened room, nursing a bag of frozen peas and a potentially pulled hamstring, the idea crystallised that this year I was going to learn to do it properly.
So, 2019 was the year I learnt to do the splits.
Last Christmas, at a rowdy Boxing Day lunch, we started shouting out our New Year’s resolutions and it was suggested that everyone be made to write one ambition down and properly commit to it.
Was it me who made this suggestion and then over-zealously forced everyone to get on board? Maybe. But I had recently read about SMART goals and I was very into it.
Sometime in the 1980s, as business psychology was exploding, the idea of SMART goals arrived on the scene. The thinking is that just writing down a vague list of goals like ‘write a novel, learn a language, be healthier’ is never going to work. These are wishy-washy, ill-defined dreams that are destined for failure.
Instead your goals need to be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive.
In that spirit, the Boxing Day goals I forced everyone into writing down had to be something that they could show off by Easter. I chose the splits and I was out-classed on the day only by Debbie Coates, with her rote-learnt rendition of the Welsh national anthem.
I started my preparations by downloading an app called One Second A Day, which records one second of video and then sticks them all together so you can see your progress in a montage. I used it to record myself sliding, increasingly painfully, towards the floor.
Next, I got myself a yoga mat, and then some fancy leggings. After that, there’s really nothing to do except start stretching.
If learning the splits is a venture you’re keen to emulate, here’s the first thing I recommend: get yourself a sports massage.
If, when you stretch, you use words like ‘Oh yes that’s a good stretch, oh yes, lovely’ then you’re good to go. If it’s more like ‘Ow, oh gosh no, that’s tight, that feels like something is going to break, that’s like a hot knife, I’m going to be sick’, then chances are you’ve got some years of tension and nerves wrapped tightly around your muscles and refusing to let go.
I took myself to man called Zoltan in Soho, who put his elbow in my butt for an hour while I screamed, and that was it, I was good to go.
If your muscles aren’t ready to stretch, then you’re like a cold piece of Blu Tack: if you try and bend it, it will just break. Instead you need to roll it around in your hands, get it warm, then you can work.
Once your muscles are taken care of, it’s just about putting in the time. There are about 10 ‘stretches to do the splits’ that you can find all over the internet. I did 30 minutes of them every morning as soon as I woke up. (I’m just kidding; all I did was start stretching when I was watching TV).
After a while, the stretching turns from something tedious and uncomfortable into something addictive. We’re holding so much stress and fear in our muscles even when we don’t realise it – and feeling it leave is magical.
Stay there, breathe, stay a bit longer. Watch your body stop panicking, and let something go
Make yourself a pillow pyramid and sit on it, then you aren’t worried that your arms will give way and you’ll collapse and something will prolapse.
Learn not to push yourself. Instead of forcing your head to your knees or whatever you’re trying to do, get yourself into a comfortable position where you could still beam at a hypothetical camera. Do try actually beaming if that’s helpful.
Stay there, breathe, stay a bit longer. Watch your body stop panicking, and let something go. And then the next day, go a tiny bit further.
And isn’t that just sort of life? Breathe, let something go, and the next day, go a tiny bit further.
All it takes is time. Time, commitment, and the realisation that it’s not going to happen overnight.
I’ve never actually achieved a New Year’s resolution before. I’ve never stuck with something and not just bailed two days in, the moment it got boring. Truly, a big part of that was knowing that my Easter deadline was looming and I’d really shot my mouth off telling everyone I was doing it.
It feels every bit as good as you think it might to complete a challenge. That was all the way back in April, and I’m still riding the high.
What’s my 2020 goal, I hear you ask? To do a backwards walkover. You know, like a really slow back flip. The one where you bend over backwards and then kick your legs over your head.
Is it smart? No. But is it SMART? Also no.
See you at Easter.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2019/12/31/new-years-resolution-learn-splits-11916585/
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