An unplanned pregnancy can be a massive shock.
It’s a huge thing to deal with and your emotions will be all over the place for a little while.
Another scary thing is telling your partner or the baby’s father, especially if you have no idea how they’ll react.
We’ve spoken to Dr Reeshemah Langham, a marriage and family therapist and psychologist, who has told us the best way to go about breaking the big news.
Dr Langham says the best way to talk to a partner about an unplanned pregnancy is to do it when you’re alone, when you’re feeling calm and rational.
She suggests first taking some time to process the information yourself because it’s a huge shock.
She then adds you should ask yourself the following questions: How does the news make me feel? Do I really want to have a baby? How do I think my partner will react? How will my life change if I decide to have a baby? How will my partner’s life change? How will our life together change? What are my options? And: What will be different and what will most likely remain the same after the baby is born?
Once you have processed your new reality, then it will be time to talk to your partner about the unplanned pregnancy.
Dr Langham continued: ‘Don’t try to talk to him after he has had a long day at work, or when he’s upset or angry about something. Wait until the mood is as “zen” as it’s going to get, then sit down with him and tell him the truth – you’re pregnant.’
Unfortunately, there is a chance your partner might not be happy about the news. Dr Langham says if this is the case, it’s important to press pause on your immediate emotions for a few minutes, just so you can analyse the situation.
She said: ‘Ask him how he feels about the news and why he feels the way he does. Don’t assume, and don’t put words in his mouth. Lastly, don’t base how he feels on his initial reaction to the news.
‘Remember, you’ve had time to process the information – he has not. So, give him time to think about how he really feels about being a parent.
‘After he’s had time to really think about the benefits and importance of being a father, he may change his mind. But, if you hound, shut-out, belittle, degrade, shame, or criticise him, you’ll damage your relationship to the point-of-no-return.’
So, how exactly do you make sure the conversation doesn’t turn hostile?
Dr Langham says it’s all about remaining calm, sharing your feelings and listening to what your partner has to say – but make sure they’re recognising your feelings, too.
The best thing you can do in this situation is to wait until the atmosphere is calm, so you can have a pleasant conversation without it turning into an argument.
Dr Langham says: ‘It’s also important that you be patient and allow your partner to also come to terms [with the news]. Try not to continually interrupt him while he is speaking.
‘Be respectful and allow him to talk – even if it hurts. Then, if you’re unclear ask questions, but don’t be condescending because you’re upset.
‘Ask genuine questions because you need clarity. Then, go over the pros and cons of having the baby together. Once you’ve come to an agreement on what to do next, reassure each other that you’re in this together.’
One of the most important parts of pregnancy is making sure you both know that you’re in it together and that you’re supporting each other.
There is the possibility that your partner may want you to get an abortion or may not want to be involved.
The truth is you can’t make your partner want to have a child with you and you can’t change someone else’s feelings.
Dr Langham says: ‘It is also important to understand that your partner doesn’t have to help you raise the child. He can choose to leave, just like you can choose to have the baby without his blessing. If you’re not sure if you want to have the baby, but can’t stomach having an abortion, there is always adoption.’
Ultimately, it’s all about doing what’s right for you – whatever that may be.
If you need professional advice, you can speak to your GP, or call someone at Marie Stopes, a charity that has been helping women and men across the UK to choose if and when they have children for more than 40 years. You can call them on 0345 300 8090.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2019/12/11/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-an-unplanned-pregnancy-11601932/
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