I absolutely adore Christmas. I moved to the UK three years ago, but over the festive period I go back to Iceland to spend time with my family in the rural north west. It’s a time for us all to spend quality time together, cooking, playing board games and watching TV.
But as a trans person, Christmas also makes me anxious.
Rewind to last year. I’m visiting my aunt and as I reach for one of her homemade Icelandic Christmas cookies, her new husband asks me, ‘Are you still living in Brighton then, dear?’
I look towards my partner, who doesn’t speak Icelandic and is oblivious of what’s just happened. The problem is, the Icelandic word for ‘dear’ is gendered as male, and my aunt’s husband has misgendered me. No one says anything so I put on a smile and nod, before taking a bite.
For the remainder of my visit, my aunt’s husband misgenders me at least five times – despite never having known me before my transition – and every time I ignore it. And each time, no one says anything. I console myself by being grateful, at least, for my aunt never misgendering me.
A few days later I attend church with my father and am sat near an older couple from a neighbouring farm. Just before mass starts, I hear them referring to me with my old name, which I haven’t used for over 10 years and which is no longer legally applicable. I turn around and smile at them and no one says anything again.
Many trans people have been disowned simply for being themselves, while others face serious rifts at home.
I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt when people use my old pronouns or my old name. It’s not like they’ve not had enough time to get used to it – it’s been over 10 years since I transitioned. When it happens I feel a familiar pit opening up in my stomach and my whole body stiffens. It’s hard to describe the feeling, but it is a mix of embarrassment, shame and knowing you’re being disrespected.
Despite this, I know I’m fortunate. Members of my family might misgender me, but most of them accept me and celebrate who I am. It’s not really an issue.
But not everyone is as lucky as I am and Christmas, a time when most people go home to see their families, can be especially tough for trans people. Many trans people have been disowned simply for being themselves, while others face serious rifts at home. According to a report by Stonewall released last year, more than one in 10 trans people (11 per cent) who are out to their family, aren’t supported by any of their family members.
A friend of mine recently told me that their mother simply refuses to use their new name, despite the fact that they changed it both legally and socially years ago. The holidays are really tough for them.
I have other trans friends who simply can’t spend Christmas with their families because their families don’t want them there or they don’t feel understood.
And some of those who do go home feel forced to play a role that isn’t really them to appease their family or to make them feel comfortable. The Stonewall report also revealed that one in seven trans people aren’t open about their gender identity to anyone in their family. It can be soul destroying having to pretend to be someone you’re not.
No one should feel estranged from their family simply for being themselves. They should be accepted and celebrated by them.
Trans people face discrimination on many fronts already, with hate crimes against trans people on the rise in the UK – up 81 per cent in the last year. Not having the support of your closest family can therefore be absolutely crushing and can have a serious impact on your well-being.
So if you know a trans person who is estranged from their family, please offer them support and check in on them. And if you’re someone who is struggling with accepting a family member who is trans, please set your reservations aside and embrace them – they need you.
And making an effort to use the right pronouns and name will mean the world to them. I promise that if you do, you’ll have deeper, more authentic and gratifying relationship with them than you’ve ever had. You’ll get to know the real them.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2019/12/04/christmas-is-a-time-for-family-but-when-youre-trans-that-can-mean-rejection-11262259/
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