In any relationship, your formerly separate lives can become inextricably tangled.
Who would get to keep the cat after you break up? What about the sofa you bought together? Or the friends that you made when you were together?
Once you’ve worked out the minutiae through measured conversation (or screaming each other about the fact that it was you who bought that record player and storming out with it) you’re both left picking up the pieces – not just emotionally, but financially.
Breaking up isn’t just an emotionally messy time, it can be seriously expensive, and even leave you in debt.
I know this better than anyone.
A few years back, I found myself in an intense relationship that, when it ended, changed my whole financial future.
Things moved quickly, and when my lease ended a month into us being together I moved into the house he owned, paying him towards bills and his mortgage.
It wasn’t a cheap relationship to be in. He would suggest going to fancy places constantly, and if I’d say I couldn’t afford it he’d promise to pay. However, when the time came for my round, he’d look at me expectantly, and I’d go spend money I couldn’t afford so I didn’t humiliate myself in front of his friends.
The constant over-promising and under-delivering, coupled with him leading a rather fast lifestyle that I felt I needed to keep up with took its toll on my bank balance. By the end of the ten months we were together, I had no savings.
Then, when we broke things off, I had to find a new place to live – with all the expenses that came with that. Rental deposits (even just for a room) can be upwards of £1,000, and that’s before you’ve even counted moving expenses and the essentials you need for a new home.
In the end, I had to borrow a large chunk of money from a family member, and have spent a very long time paying it back.
It’s no surprise, then, that nearly one in five people – a fifth of the population – have remained in a romantic relationship because financial concerns have prevented them from leaving.
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For Alfie, a PR manager from London, the price of breaking up with his partner was £9,000. Being on his own after a number of years in a couple was a shock to the system money-wise.
‘I was in the relationship for three years – three years too long!’ he tells Metro.co.uk.
‘We owned a property together so when we broke-up because he found someone else I wasn’t in a position to pay the mortgage on my own, so had to move out. The plan was for him to buy me out.
‘I had to rent a room until the payment came through, as well as pay a deposit and six weeks in advance on the room.
‘I needed a credit card to survive (rent was more than my monthly mortgage payments and the cost of living doubled. I wasn’t splitting food, electricity and other bills.
‘I ran up a credit card bill of £9,000, and I had to use the money my late father had left me until I received the money from my half of the sale. It took months.’
According to Relate, over a quarter of people (26%) experiencing money worries in their relationships, and a third (32%) of Relate’s couple counselling clients say that money worries are causing tension in their relationships.
‘If it has been a co-dependent relationship then with the ending of the relationship the reliance on the other person can strongly effect the person that has been left – leaving them vulnerable to mental health issues, especially depression,’ Peter Saddington, a Practice Clinical Supervisor at Relate, tells Metro.co.uk.
Co-dependency, he explains, is ‘a way of describing a pattern of behavior between a couple where one person has an excessive reliance on the other person particularly for approval and a sense of identity. It is often associated with a couple where one has an addiction but this is not exclusive, couples can be codependent in many ways including financially.’
You may not think that you’re financially co-dependent, but if your financial freedom is tied to whether they provide for you (or not) then it could be a sign.
This is why a number of people have decided to create so-called ‘fuck off funds’.
The idea initially stemmed from an essay written by Paulette Perhach in 2016. She tells the story of a woman stuck in a terrible relationship and terrible job, with no funds to leave, and advises that we should all save up as much as we can, so we can ‘fuck off’ to pastures new if need be.
Granted, it’s certainly not as easy as just planning to save. Peter says: ‘Woman are often the ones that can find themselves in a financially compromised position as a result of a break-up – often because of having a family and not having the same financial back-up because they have not worked as much or developed their career because of the commitment to the child/children.
‘Woman will often not have been able to maintain a pension because of breaks in their career because of starting a family.’
Alternatively, he says, ‘Men can find themselves struggling as a result of supporting more than one family. If they go on to have another relationship then they may still have responsibilities to a previous relationship and so he is not able to use all of his money in the new relationship.’
These situations can make saving for a rainy day hard, not to mention that when you’re in the good times of a relationship, leaving isn’t a top priority.
Financial abuse can muddy the waters even further. Peter says: ‘Financial abuse involves someone using or misusing money which limits or controls the other person’s current and future actions and more importantly their freedom of choice.
‘It can be running up debts in the other person’s name, using and misusing credit cards without permission and gambling with the other person (or family’s) assets. Financial abuse rarely happens in isolation but is often characteristic in an abusive or coercive relationship.’
All of these things add to the importance of saving – if that’s an option for you – in a bank account that can’t be accessed by your partner.
It’s not about not trusting them, but about giving yourself the freedom to leave a situation if it becomes toxic. Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.
If saving isn’t something you can realistically afford, or you’re in an unexpected break-up debt situation, there is help out there for you.
‘Your bank or building society will want to know and consider what options are possible,’ says Peter.
‘Looking at Mediation can be extremely helpful as it can enable all the relevant information about the financial situation of you and your partner to be explored ensuring that all the facts and figures are revealed and included in a settlement.’
He adds: ‘Debt agencies play a really important and valuable part in helping to make sense of your options and where further support is available. Citizen’s Advice are a really good first port of call especially as they are free. They will get information about benefits, how to deal with debt and what you are entitled to if you are losing your job and most importantly who to speak to if there is a threat of losing your home.’
Put simply, you are never alone, and other agencies such as National Debtline and StepChange will also be able to help you get out of your current situation, and signpost you to further services if need be.
You might not be able to splash out on unlimited tubs of Ben & Jerry’s to drown your sorrows, but your financial situation will improve, and so will your broken heart.
Debt Month
This article is part of a month-long focus in November all about debt.
Scary word, we know, but we're hoping if we tackle this head on we'll be able to reduce the shame around money struggles and help everyone improve their understanding of their finances.
Throughout November we'll be publishing first-person accounts of debt, features, advice, and explainers. You can read everything from the month on the Debt Month tag.
If you have a story to share, a topic you want us to cover, or a question that needs answering, get in touch at MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/15/reality-breakup-debt-11149560/
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