‘You’re just too much, I can’t handle it,’ said my ex-boyfriend.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked him, puzzled.
‘This, you, your energy, your vibe,’ he replied. ‘It’s all too much…’
You could have heard a pin drop. All I had ever been was myself so it felt like a personal attack. ‘What am I supposed to do to make you comfortable then? Try to be less of what I am?’ I asked. He shrugged.
Was I gutted? Very much so. Surprised? No.
I’m excitable, talkative, curious, and have a zest for life. I love a good therapy session with an Uber driver after a night out, and dancing like nobody’s watching on the streets of London on the way to work.
Since I was child I was always known as the vivacious, ambitious one out of my sisters and friends – the ‘loud’ and ‘crazy’ one. My family told me that I wouldn’t just be able to date ‘any’ bloke, that he would have to be a ‘specific kind’ to be able to handle me.
Handle what? A woman who is confident, honest, and comfortable in her own skin? Since when has that been a crime?
But if you’ve always been upfront and honest about your standards, the phrase ‘too much’ will be a term that is all too familiar and it can almost feel like a punishment of some kind. I’ve been told I’m ‘a lot’, that I’m ‘over the top’ and had people make comments like, ‘you just wear what you want without a care in the world’. It always interests me who decides what’s over the top – what are we comparing that to?
I’ve always had big hair, loved big prints and mini skirts, and enjoy reinventing myself from time to time like a modern Madonna, as it’s an outlet for me to express myself. I genuinely wear what I like with zero consideration about what people may think. I am not seeking people’s approval for my outfits, but from the comments I get sometimes, it feels like I should be.
It would be so easy for me to believe these comments as I’ve heard them all my life, and maybe they have a point. Perhaps I am too much. I am reactive, extroverted, fearless and never afraid to speak my truth, whether people want to hear it or not.
But it’s not my burden to bear. If we live by other people’s opinions, we’ll never truly live a fulfilled life. I believe listening to other people’s opinions on the way we choose to live our lives will restrict us of a happiness we all deserve to feel. We shouldn’t let people decide who we are. I mean, who knows you better than you?
What I’m clear about is that it is an insult. At its core, ‘too much’ is an accusation that means you are not acting according to how society believes people – especially women, and even more so, black women – should behave.
Women are constantly being categorised and stereotyped for speaking our truth. Stating a point can make us come across as being ‘bossy’ or a ‘bitch’. When it comes to relationships, we are ‘the clingy girl’, ‘the psycho ex’ or ‘the cat lady’. When we stand up for what we believe, or express our identity, and don’t fit the mould expected of us, it can result in being subjected to the ‘too much’ label.
As a black woman, it is even more problematic. Black women are characterised as having larger than life personalities in a pejorative manner, from the ‘angry black girl’ to ‘hyperemotional’ and ‘sassy’.
Black women are not supposed to push back and when they do, they’re deemed to be domineering. Aggressive. Threatening. Loud. Confrontational. These phrases are used to silence black women like myself and tell us, in short, that we are overreacting and hypersensitive – that we are too much.
People often respond to the emotions of black women ‘from a place of perceived fear’, which means we become somewhat paranoid and go above and beyond to make people feel comfortable around us.
An article in the Harvard Business Review on black women’s experience at work quoted one woman saying, ‘My mentors talk to me about dimming my light. I always thought I had to bring that down to make people comfortable.’
These women tended to feel that their organisations ‘weren’t ready’ for them. The piece, written by a New York University researcher continues, ‘and they felt like they couldn’t be their authentic selves in the office at the risk of making others feel uncomfortable or hurting their chances of professional advancement.’
This is damaging because many black women train themselves to be anything but themselves in order to be deemed ‘professional’, when we should be able to be whoever we choose.
When someone calls me ‘too much’, I remind myself that it says far more about the person delivering the message than it does about me. They are restricted and confined by what they believe society deems acceptable, out of fear, shame and embarrassment, so they place their insecurities and fears onto me.
On the other hand, the ‘too much woman’ is confident – a mindset that not everybody can attain. It’s powerful and freeing to speak your mind in a society where the tradition is that women should not be heard. We have a voice and we are not afraid to use it.
The British way is ‘keeping calm and keeping quiet’, especially on the tube. Londoners have a reputation for being unfriendly and impatient on public transport, but I challenge the status quo of sitting in silence by disrupting it.
I actually met one of my strongest supporters of my career, Danny, in an Uber Pool, which most people sit in in pure silence and awkwardness. I want to change the dynamic and talk, I even got the driver to sing and dance with us!
Not a tube or bus journey goes by where I haven’t had a great conversation with someone new, or started bonding on the 43 to Angel with a tired-looking mum and her baby, who has gone from looking at me like an alien to wanting to high-five me.
I’m proud to be a ‘too much woman’, and I embrace every single part of me – leopard print leggings and all.
We must remember that there’s something unique about each and every one of us and the day we stop caring what people think of us and our too much-ness, we set ourselves free. Because being too much is being unapologetically yourself.
Affirming yourself is a gift. Being you, standing tall and owning who you are is something money cannot buy. To me, it’s being a person who’s proud of their imperfections – because that is what makes them perfect – and owns it with style. Why conform when you can be yourself?
I believe I am never too much. I am just right, like a nice cup of tea with no sugar needed because I am sweet enough.
Labels
Labels is an exclusive series that hears from individuals who have been labelled – whether that be by society, a job title, or a diagnosis. Throughout the project, writers will share how having these words ascribed to them shaped their identity — positively or negatively — and what the label means to them.
If you would like to get involved please email jess.austin@metro.co.uk
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MORE: My Label and Me: I’m tall and do not want to stand out from the crowd
source https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/21/my-label-and-me-call-me-too-much-if-you-want-i-know-im-perfect-11175234/
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