From a young age, I’ve expressed to family, friends and even strangers that I don’t want children – and for as long as I’ve said that, the responses have often been the same.
Any woman making the same decision is sure to recognise phrases such as ‘you’ll change your mind’, as well as the comments I’ve received about being too young to make such a big decision.
All of this changed at some point though, as people became more accepting of my decision. I wish I could say it’s because we are a more accepting society when it comes to what a woman chooses to do with her life, but sadly the change in atmosphere came about for a different reason.
So, what happened? Well, I became more visibly disabled.
As a disabled woman, I now experience a different stigma when it comes to the topic of children, as shockingly a large number of people still believe that disabled people are not fit to be parents and, therefore, people find my choice more acceptable.
Suddenly, it all makes sense to society. They see the wheelchair and use that as the reason for my decision, when in fact I’m just not maternal.
When I disclose my genetic condition I find people are even more understanding – surely I wouldn’t want to pass on my condition to my child, they think.
When I was younger, people loved to inform me that with the help of IVF I could now remove the ‘faulty gene’ from any future children, because to some that was the reason for me not wanting kids.
Thanks to ableism, I went along with this for a while – but I know in my heart that if I did want kids I would want them exactly as they are, without modifications to make them more socially acceptable.
However, since I became a wheelchair user, even those conversations have stopped. It’s all stopped.
Despite how far we’ve come with disability rights, there still remains a lot of harmful ideas about disabled people and their lives, one of which being the aforementioned belief that disabled people would not make fit parents, and this plays into these reactions.
Disabled people are seen as being unable to take care of themselves, so how on earth would they be able to take care of another human?
This was explored in the BBC drama Don’t Take My Baby, which showcased the issue.
I remember watching it and being shocked to my core. As a disabled person, I know that some of society believes we are less capable when it comes to parenting, but to witness the realities of this was a hard watch.
Disabled people are seen as being unable to take care of themselves, so how on earth would they be able to take care of another human?
I know multiple disabled parents in my own circles who are doing an incredible job, so to have my disability used as justification for my decision not to have children by other people really feels like an insult towards every disabled parent out there.
Increased acceptance of my decision is great and I definitely don’t miss people questioning my life choices, but to have that replaced by ableism and a different type of stigma makes for an even more unsettling experience.
Never did I believe that my choice would be accepted, but only because of my disability.
My choice has nothing to do with my disability and genetic condition, I simply just don’t want children. I love my nephew and spending time with him is one of my favourite things to do, but my other favourite thing is handing him back afterwards.
Growing up, everyone said that spending time around children would change my mind but it’s only solidified what I already knew – and that’s OK.
What isn’t OK is the ableism I now receive in response to my decision and it has to stop.
MORE: Don’t assume I have a carer just because I’m disabled
MORE: Socialising as a disabled person can mean forking out £70 for brunch
MORE: Hate crimes against disabled people are growing and abusers are getting away with it
source https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/02/my-choice-not-to-have-kids-has-nothing-to-do-with-the-fact-im-disabled-11019982/
0 Comments