My partner has always gambled. Like many sports fans he would put an accumulator on the football at the weekend, or play the slot machines on his iPad.
Gambling has become so normalised, such an innate part of watching sport, I never for one second considered it would become a problem. But it was about to turn into an addiction that nearly broke us financially and almost shattered our relationship.
When I first noticed outgoings from our joint bank account to betting sites, I assumed my boyfriend had put on a few bets here and there.
It was only when I looked further down the account statement that I realised he’d spent over £500 in a few weeks.
We lived together and shared all our funds, which meant he hadn’t just spent his money but mine as well. I got annoyed, told him I was upset and made it clear he shouldn’t gamble again.
It was months before I discovered he’d also been gambling from his own accounts. He had lost more he had bet more, hoping to win it back before I found out.
In the seven years we have been together, my partner has spent around £3,000 on gambling sites.
He’s had long periods where he hasn’t gambled as well as several relapses. I’ve tried to bargain with him, promising that if he stopped gambling I would stand by him, and threatened to leave if he ever gambled again.
One of the hardest parts of the situation has been finding ourselves in debt. My partner not only gambled away our money, but he also lied about having paid our bills and we ended up owing over £2,000 to several utility companies.
It was frustrating to work all month long and still not be able to pay our bills. Initially it would always lead to arguments but after a while I realised that bickering wasn’t going to solve things, so we sat down and worked out a strategy to get our finances back on track.
My partner not only gambled away our money, he also lied about having paid our bills and we ended up owing over £2,000 to several utility companies.
We called every company we owed money to and explained we couldn’t afford to pay then and there.
Instead, we asked for a 12 month payment plan. Most of the companies were understanding and very helpful and put payment plans in place.
In the shorter-term, we ended up borrowing from the bank and taking out a credit card for any bills that couldn’t be spread over a few months. It meant racking up more debt but we didn’t have a choice.
Three years on and by sticking to the plans and monitoring our outgoings, we’ve finally paid off most of our debt.
The money aside, realising my partner is a gambling addict shocked me to the core.
I just couldn’t picture him as that. It was a world away from the kind, funny, generous man I fell in love with and I have to be honest, I have considered leaving.
Trust should be at the core of every relationship and when that is broken it leaves a mark that taints every aspect of what you and your partner share. It’s intensified when it comes to something as important as money.
His addiction hasn’t changed how I feel about him, however. I still love him and can now picture a future with him.
Seeing him in floods of tears after a relapse made me understand how significantly he had been impacted by the mental illness of addiction. As he cried, I knew that finally telling me the truth was a weight lifted and I saw the person I had fallen for.
His addition is under control at present but it will be part of our lives forever. He contacted a gambling support community that helped him close every last betting account and he has been banned for life with every UK company he could find after self-identifying as an addict.
He also chose to grant me access to his bank accounts, which has given me peace of mind and improved our trust. He has worked hard to stay on track and hasn’t gambled since his last relapse, something I am grateful for every day.
Trust should be at the core of every relationship and when that is broken, it leaves a mark that taints every aspect of what you and your partner share.
We are so used to the idea of relationships being the solution to stress and loneliness, but relationships are hard. Challenges arise for every couple at one point or another, but when they come I’ve learnt just how important it is to tackle the problems together.
We now talk far more openly and frankly than we previously did. There are no longer boundaries to our conversations and we are completely transparent with each other.
We have always spent a lot of time together but now we also plan day trips and weekends away.
Addiction can be isolating, not just for the person going through it but the people that love them, too. I stayed with him because I understand that addiction is an illness and something he isn’t in full control of. I have anxiety myself so I’m no stranger to mental health problems. He has supported me, so I want to be there to support him.
No relationship is ever perfect, despite how it might appear to the outside world. Before I met my boyfriend I was far more naive about what true love was.
It isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. Real love is being there for someone no matter what. It’s about supporting them, even when your heart is breaking.
Last week in Love, Or Something Like It: The love of my life got married and it gave me the closure I needed
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Love, Or Something Like It is a new series for Metro.co.uk, covering everything from mating and dating to lust and loss, to find out what love is and how to find it in the present day.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/23/gambling-addiction-2k-debt-shown-me-true-love-11188686/
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