OK, so you want to move in with your mate. You’ve named the communal houseplant and are dreaming of the meatballs you’ll gobble down on the trip to Ikea. You love your friend and can’t think of anything better than spending all your time in their company.
You can’t even imagine how things could go awry.
It’s a lovely idea and it might be completely delightful. It could also become the ideal living arrangement, if you do it right.
Here’s the potential problem: a lot of people have secret at-home habits that you’re usually not privy to when you’re just meeting up with someone socially. People can be messy, smelly, neurotic, chaotic and annoying in all sorts of ways you might not be able to predict.
That, and of course living in close proximity to someone – anyone – can be challenging for plenty of reasons.
You’ve got to manage rent, bills, groceries, tidiness, dishwasher-stacking technique, chore distribution, emotional labour, personal space and general household behaviour compatibility.
If you move in with a stranger and it’s a total disaster, fine. Sort out your legal obligations, put up with it as long as you can, give up on a blossoming friendship and get out of there.
However, if you move in with a pre-existing friend of yours, there’s a lot more at stake. If you have a spat, discover you’re domestically incompatible and run out of patience with each other, you risk losing your entire friendship.
To give your friendship the best possible chance of surviving co-habitation, you’ve got to be smart about this.
Before you even suggest sharing a home, have a proper think about your compatibility. It’s worth being pragmatic, especially if you have drastically different budgets, definitions of cleanliness, social lives and general approaches to domestic life.
If you do decide to move in together, here are some things you can do to minimise the conflict and protect the friendship.
Get the awkward money chat out of the way before the move
Most of us find talking about money awkward and scary.
But if you’re planning on running a household together, you have to do it.
There will inevitably be shared expenses and it’s worth chatting about them upfront so you can manage everyone’s expectations.
If you’re going in on a lease together, have an honest chat about what you can afford. Don’t stretch yourself financially thin to keep up with someone else’s earnings, and don’t assume someone can afford the same amount of rent each month as you can.
You might not even know each other’s salaries as friends, so work something out that makes you both comfortable.
Then, decide whether you want to split any household maintenance costs.
Will you split the cost of cleaning products? Do you want to go in on a weekly grocery shop?
Who is going to set up a direct debit for council tax? Will you share the TV licence? Whose Netflix password do you need to memorise?
It’s great to hash all of this out from the start so you’re clear on who owes what.
Don’t be the slob flatmate
Your room is your space – you are entitled to live in as much filth as you like.
Communal spaces, however, should be kept clean and tidy. It’s a gesture of respect to keep the space that you share with someone else nice.
You’ll become unpopular very quickly if you’re always leaving dirty dishes on the kitchen counter and clothes on the living room floor.
Tidy up after yourself diligently and you’ll give your new flatmate no reason to secretly resent you.
It might be useful to put together a rota for cleaning the common areas, split chores evenly or pick a day each week or month to give the place a good going over.
You don’t want to be the one shocking your friend with your unexpected slovenliness.
Don’t forget to spend time together
When you’re living together, it’s easy to get quite complacent about actually spending proper time together.
You see each other in the hall, you watch telly together sometimes in the evening and you have a quick chat over breakfast, so you feel like you’ve seen each other.
But real, lasting friendship requires a little more investment than that. If you want to keep yours, make time and space in your life so your friend knows they’re important to you.
I recommend scheduling in friendship dates where you leave the house. You could go for a walk together, have dinner at the local pub or pop by the farmer’s market.
Whatever it is, just make sure it feels a little more special than brief, incidental interactions at home.
If there’s a problem, be open and honest about it
Try and have a policy of candour, kindness and transparency in your new household.
Be gentle and compassionate with each other. Listen properly. Check in on the other person and ask how they’re doing. Have proper, regular chats.
Be honest with each other, especially if something is quietly becoming a problem at home – it’s better to talk it out than leave an annoyance to simply fester over time.
If something your friend does bothers you, find a diplomatic way of raising it instead of just keeping your new resentment to yourself.
Be considerate, too, and notice how your friend likes to live.
Don’t play loud music if you live with someone who likes peace and quiet.
Don’t have loud sex if you live in a place with thin walls, or invite people over without warning.
Don’t eat your friend’s yoghurt without asking.
Be your loveliest self and you could just have the time of your life, living with a friend.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/14/how-to-live-with-your-friends-and-not-fall-out-11084019/
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