Beyond the cute dog photos, the half-naked holiday pics and the flirty smiles, there is one particular aspect that catches our attention when perusing a dating profile: common interests.
From a shared love of travelling to having boozy brunches on Sundays, we are often drawn to people who like the same things that we do – but what happens if we date someone who is the complete opposite of us?
One area that seems to divide people more than others is fitness, or specifically when two people have different attitudes towards working out.
Perhaps your other half goes to the gym every day, is part of a local sports team or just generally likes to be very active, while your idea of working out is going for a walk every couple of days.
Before we continue, note that there is no intention to shame either party; not lifting weights before work at 5am does not make you a lesser person – nor does the opposite. However, not sharing this particular passion could potentially have a detrimental effect on your relationship.
For instance, if your partner’s gym schedule is quite rigid and they are unwilling to compromise, it could cut into the time you have together or the lack of interest in each other’s private lives might cause you to drift apart.
Some people also experience body insecurities – though this doesn’t apply to everyone.
‘My partner is a runner,’ Rachel, 46, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘All of his friends are also runners. He helps organise our local park run and he runs for fun, often at weekends.
‘I am a size 20 food lover who is fairly fit (I have two dogs that I have to walk every day), but definitely not an athlete, and I am not part of that mindset or “clique”.’
Not sharing a love of running hasn’t impacted their relationship negatively, but it has affected how Rachel feels about herself at times.
She says: ‘He’s always been a runner so it’s not like I have had to adjust, just accept that sometimes (especially at weekends) his running friends – many of which are female – see him more at the weekend than I do.
‘I frequently have body insecurities over not being a fitness person, but he comes home to me every night! I would love to have a better body but my weight fluctuates and he has a very good appetite, which is fatal for a feeder like me!’
You do not need to be a copy of the person you’re dating, nor should they expect you to be, but if you are struggling with confidence issues due to your partner being more active than you, there are ways to counter-act these emotions.
Start by talking to your other half. Sit down in a neutral space (never in bed or when one or both of you are naked) and explain how you’re feeling.
Share your concerns and listen to theirs, but try not to focus the conversation on ‘weight’, but rather on how you can both improve the dynamic of your relationship.
‘If you’re dating someone who works out more than you it’s important to remember – a balanced person is dating you because they’re attracted to as you are,’ Nichi Hodgson, author of The Curious History of Dating, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘All kind of people fancy all kinds of bodies, not just the kind that society presumes they should.
‘However, if someone you’re dating encourages you to work out more, you need to assess where that is on the scale of support to boundary push, e.g if you’ve expressed that you’d like to work out more and they invite you to do so with them, that can simply be a sign they’re keen to share their interest with you and support you to look after yourself, not necessarily that they’d like you to lose 10 pounds.’
Be open to hearing their thoughts, but be cautious, too – they shouldn’t belittle you for being less into fitness.
‘However, if their eagerness for you to get your sweat on is expressed in terms of you improving your appearance or a need to “match” with them, you have two choices: hold a really strong boundary and tell them firmly but politely you’ll take care of yourself on your own terms and see how they react (a respectful person will back off) – or stop seeing them.
‘Someone trying to mould you can be a sign they don’t respect your autonomy and this can start to play out in other areas of the relationship in due course.’
A recent study by the dating app, Plenty of Fish, revealed that 33% of singles feel the need to take on interests and hobbies of the person they’re interested in.
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being open to new experiences, be careful not to lose your sense of self in someone else’s personality and lifestyle.
Tom Thurlow, sex and relationships expert and founder of the sex toy brand, Ricky, explains that it’s more important to focus on the positive aspect of having different passions – and finding a way to combine them.
‘If you are a gym bunny with a partner adverse to fitness or vice versa, by no means does this have to have a negative impact on how successful your relationship is in the long term,’ he tells us.
‘In fact, finding common ground and meeting each other halfway is one of the biggest challenges a relatively new partnership can face, and can ultimately strengthen a union.
‘If you or your partner have a particular workout schedule, then attempt to stick to it in a bid to also schedule in quality “couple time”. If you and your partner are able access a “joint calendar” you can each see when the other is busy and then fit in workouts around this.
‘Technically, you’re still working out if you’re having regular sex, so that’s a win-win, but having a partner that’s a slave to the gym might become a problem if one of you is suffering emotionally from a lack of quality time together.
‘Try swapping a gym session for a romantic walk in the park, it’s still a workout. Or you could even join them; you might even find a new hobby.’
You could also take turns in planning surprise dates.
This way, you both get to do the things you love, with the person you love.
Dating someone who works out a lot (or doesn’t like to work out) doesn’t need to spell the end of a relationship.
Just be open to compromise and remember that you are more than your muscles – or lack thereof.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/01/deal-dating-someone-works-10998852/
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